


Pam beasley is doing her best

by iamawriter



Series: Manager!Pam [1]
Category: The Office (US)
Genre: #everyones a little depressed, #fluff and angst, #fluff and crack, #humor and angst, #impliedbisexuals, #jim halpert isn't a total douchebag, #jim has Jan's job, #pam getting actual character development, #pam not existing just for jim, #romance and angst, #this is not going to go the way you think, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 04:03:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 72,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20923853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamawriter/pseuds/iamawriter
Summary: An alternate version of the office. Pam as manager. Jim has Jan's job. Michael is the top salesman. Erin as the receptionist. Holly as h.r. rep. (Also Toby doesn't exist).Pam's been manager for a while, ever since...an incident, where one of the salesmen left due to...personal love life drama....and she's , well she's not great, but she's managing.Holly flax is in love, and everyone knows. Shes in love with an idiot named Michael Scott. And Michael Scott, the idiot, has been in an abusive relationship for ten years, so he's not exactly available.Andy and Erin don't know what they're doing.Pam and Jim are two childish individuals, who keep finding each other at the wrong times.Kevin is happily married.





	1. pilot

**Author's Note:**

> Just an alternate version of the office. What if Jim had been a little more ambitious and landed himself jan's job? What if Pam also had been more ambitious and landed herself a job as manager? What if Michael wasn't the manager because he was good at sales and was married to Jan Levinson. What if Erin was the receptionist because she just wandered in with no where else to go. What if Toby didn't exist? And of course Dwight is still a god.

"All right Your quarterlies look very good.How are things at the library?"

"I told you. I couldn't close it." Pam grinned and sat back, running a hand through her hair. "So you've come to the master for guidance?"

Michael chuckled. "I guess so. Teach me your ways. I am a young grasshopper."

Pam smiled and brushed the hair out of her face, accidentally knocking over a stack of books. "Oh goodness." Pam said. "Let me just-" pam reached over to pick it up and ended up dropping her mug too

"Um ..." Michael said, briefly looking into the camera. "I can uh, get it."

"Just leave it." She said awkwardly.

PAM "Hi. My name is Pam Beasley and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years. The last four as regional manager. Um, this is our sign. They recently got it redone. I actually was going to paint it but... "Pam fiddled with her hair "um, this way to see the rest."

Herface lit up when she observed Erin. "And this is our lovely receptionist Erin."

Erin looked up and smiled. "Hello!"

"Man Erin has been with us forever . What's it been, like, since you were in diapers?"

Erin's smile faltered. "Pam I swear I have never worn diapers to the office. I am not a child. I am a sophisticated grown adult with a real job."

Pam laughed. "Erin itwas just a joke. ." She patted Erin on the head a few time while Erin looked into the camera awkwardly.

"Oh." She said, reaching into the filing cabinet. "Um corporate sent these in."

"Oh god, um, why didn't you give me it sooner?"

Erin frowned. "I was um, with Michael doing important business work. Not making duct tape airplanes. Definitely not."

Pam sighed and rubbed her forehead, then grabbed the papers "Am I in trouble?"

Pam looked up and forced a smile. "Oh ...no it's okay." Erin's smile faltered when Pam patted her on the forehead again. "Ugh your still the same little girl who wondered in here all those years ago looking for a job."

Erin smiled in a painfully awkward way. Pam went into the office and groaned against the desk, taking some aspirin. Erin looked at the camera awkwardly.

PAM I'm kind of like, the cool mom of the office. People come in here they're like wow , it feels like I'm watching a family. And that manager. So ...cool...and... fun... I mean this says it all." Pam held up a mug that said office bitch, with the word bitch crossed out and replaced with Mom. "Ain't it cool, I mean, they didn't get it for me , but, I imagine it's what they would have, if they remembered my birthday at all...but I mean who keeps track of birthdays anymore. I don't know Michael's birthday ..and I mean I've known Michael for like, since I started working here, he's been here forever. Yep, ten whole years of Michael scott. Oh and Erin's been here forever too. One day she just wandered in. And oh Dwight's like -" Pam paused as the operator asked a question."Do I have a family of my own? Um... " The camera zooms in on a picture in the background of her, her mom, and someone who's body has been cut so we can't see the face. " mean, it's just me and the mom...no kids...or...fiance..." Pam stared off into the distance. Someone said something off camera. " Hmmm? Sorry what?"

Dwight drummed parummpapummpum in front of Michael, while he stared off glumly into space.eeventually he joined in though.

MICHAEL SCOTT "My job? Um. In a way it's like, salesman at Dunder Mifflin, selling paper and stuff. But in a...much more important way, it's to make people laugh. "

It shows a clip of Michael pulling a prank on Dwight. Erin dies of laughter while everyone else looks on in annoyance. Dwight rolls his eyes and sits down. 

MICHAEL SCOTT I mean, people rely on me to make things interesting. Especially Erin.Without me here, what's Erin gonna do for fun? Holly all well is a big fan of my comedy. I'm like, the Chandler of the office. Holly is uh, rachel, Dwight is...kramer.. oh Erin's pheobe."

While he talks about Erin, it shows a clip of them pranking Dwight by attempting to drop a watermelon on his head before he falls asleep. Pam runs in and stops it before they do. Scolding them both.

MICHAEL SCOTT "I mean, I've known Erin since she wandered in here one day with no where else to go like a um, superhero origin story. I mean that basically was our origin story. I mean, she's definitely a weirdo at times but ...you know actually she's probably Kramer. Dwight's that weirdo at the bar who's obssessed with rachel."

Dwight walks in on Michael drawing a dick on the wall. "Really Michael? We all expect so much more out of our top salesman." He walks away leaving michael to think over his actions. He doesn't.

MICHAEL SCOTT. But I mean, he has his moments.

Michael walked in to see Dwight watching a movie. "Dude, is this lethal weapon 6?" "Definitely. "

"nice!" Michael said.

He sat down and Dwight shared his popcorn. "Finished all my work. Now I get to watch. You'd understand the rewards of working hard if you weren't always goofing off with Erin or talking to holly."

michael rolled his eyes. But they shared a Coke.

~~~

"Jim halpert, here to see Pam Beasley?"

"Oh um, she's...busy doing... important..." Erin couldn't hold back her laughs. "Business work."

Jim raised an eyebrow and heard a crash. "What was that?" He walked towards the kitchen.

"No don't go in there!" Erin said, hurrying after him. He ran in and there was pam , holding up a large knife to Andy's head, which was inside a pumpkin. "What is going on here?!" Jim said.

Pam looked up." Jim!" She put down her knife and walked over to him. She grinned and ruffled her hair, smiling in an over the top way. "How um, how are you. How's the Mrs.?"

Andy walked over to jim, holding the pumpkin on his head. "Jim this is all my fault. Me and Erin were playing-"

Jim held his hand out."oh I don't care." Jim bitchfaced Pam. "And there's no Mrs.halpert anymore Pam. Remember? You recommended me to your parents divorce attorney?"

Pam blushed snd looked at the camera for a second. "Right."

Jim folded his arms. "Now we all need to have a little chat. God I wish I had come in here five minutes later. Or went to law school."

~~~~

"I'm paying you to run a branch Pam! How hard is to control a couple workers. They should not be behaving this way!"

"I don't know! Why don't you fire them!"

Michael ran in. "Um, what was that?"

Pam sighed and closed the door.

Jim groaned. "Much as michael's methods are, unusual, he brings home the bacon. We can't fire our best salesman. That'd leave us with Dwight as our best. I don't know about you but personally I think Dwight is an unbarable asshead who can't be relied upon. Also we can't fire Andy because he was sent here on an anger management program and we can't legally fire him unless he acts out in anger or messes with the company. Erin...well honestly we could probably fire Erin but she's not so bad when you keep the others away from her. Also another thing, why does Meredith keep sending me nudes on her computer? I blocked her on everything she shouldn't still be able to-" Pam grimaced. She looked into the camera as Jim continued to rant. 

PAM BEASLEY

Jim halpert, God , where do I begin with him halpert. God, what to say.. I mean there's really nothing to say other than...We hate him.

Pamis joking around with phyllis and michael and the others when jim walked in and they all stopped. 

PAM BEASLEY

He's just, how do I put this delicately...he's ..an insane scary person. Not that I'm scared of him...

DWIGHT SCHRUTE

He's a jackass

ERIN HANNON

I heard he's sleeping with Meredith. Also he's always hitting on Pam, and me, and... Dwight maybe?

JIM HALPERT

Jim said while rubbing his forehead. "No I am not sleeping with Meredith, or Dwight! I don't...what?!

Jim sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Um, Pam, obviously we a lot more to discuss, but do you have anything to add to the agenda?"

Pam bit her lip. "Um..." Jim squinted. "Look, there was a lot going on...and ...Erin just got it to me today.."

"What!" Jim said. "That is...well frankly Pam it's unacceptable. We can't have workers here who don't work."

Pam flinched. "Well, she was...busy with other work." Jim crossed his arms. "Such as?"

"Well being a receptionist is a lot of work. I used to be a receptionist so I would know. Remember, back in the good old days. Remember your old hair."

Pam tried for awkward humor. Jim looked up. "Oh yeah. Man how times change. I was married to karen. And you were .. . "Jim trailed off.

There was an awkward silence.

Pams brows furrowed and she stood up. "Um, if thats all, I'll-"

Jims faltered and he adjusted his tie. "no, um, that's not all actually. This is um, kind of a difficult topic, but we can't justify a Scranton and a Stamford branch anymore."

"What? This already happened a few years ago and everything worked out." Pam said, sitting down.

Jim bit his lip. "Well, actually it only worked out because I was married to karen filapelli and I got her to back down. And..since she now works at a different branch that makes twice as much as Scranton and Stamford... It's really put a damper on things."

"Oh god." Pam said, sitting down.

Jim stood up and dusted himself off. "Well, I think that's all the time we have today. I have a meeting with someone. Make sure to email me about the downsizing."

"Downsizing???" Pam said.

Jim stopped at the door. "Um, yes downsizing pam. Obviously." he rolled his eyes and left.

Pam's eyes were blown wide with concern. She looked out the window to see Erin and Michael goofing off.

PAM BEASLEY 

" Sometimes I miss being the receptionist"

~~~~

I bet it's gonna be me." Angela said to Kevin. "Yeah probably." He said.

~~~

Michael came by to talk to holly. "Um, hi."

Holly turned around and grinned. "Oh hey."

Michael got a serious face. "I was wondering if you were by any chance going to Angela's cat party on Saturday."

Holly and him both laughed as he broke his serious face.

"Oh of course." She said. "Right after my orgy."

Michael's eyes grew wide" wha-"

"Kidding." She said.

Michael laughed again.

"Oh once again you are a riot." She laughed and said something while the camera zoomed out to see erin, watching from behind Ryan's desk with a smug expression.

Ryan looked up her, she was on his desk on her knees.. "Can you please get off my desk. This is so old knews anyways."

"Yeah Erin." Kelly said, putting on lip gloss. "We all know about Michael and holly. It's sad and tragic and awkward now please leave so me and Ryan can make out."

"Oh sorry." Erin said, looking into the camera sheepishly. 

RYAN AND KELLY

"Downsizing?" Ryan said. "Honestly wherever life takes me, I'll be fine, because I've got-"

"Meee!" Kelly said. Ryan frowned.

"Um, I was going to say the ABCs of business and explain them all but fine let's go ahead and do your thing." Ryan moved to stand up but Kelly pulled him down. "Me and Ryan are like, in love. So whenever I go-"

Ryan bitchfaced the camera. "Anyways, i mean bring it on. We've been here forever."

"Exactly, it feels like a whole lifetime we've known each other." Kelly said ,wrapping herself around Ryan.

Ryan winced into the camera. "Oh it definitely feels like a lifetime."

ERIN HANNON

"Honestly, getting let go would suck. I love it here." Erin said eagerly."Besides, i think Pam would take it really badly if any of us left. Even like, Meredith. Or the warehouse guys ...well...maybe not them. She only really knew Roy...I mean we're kind of all she has now."

PAM BEASLEY

"Did Erin really say that? Pffffff! I've got...so much. I...well I mean I don't paint anymore but I've got a lot of old paintings around the house that someone would probably buy."

As she said that Dwight walked by and shook his head.

DWIGHT SCHRUTE

" False. Pam's paintings are...well they're not bad. Just, very plain. And dull. But pleasant, if not slightly depressing and ineffective. Kind of like Pam herself."there was a pause as the operator asked something." Downsizing? Oh normally I'd say bring it on , but I have a feeling halpert would be involved in the decision...so...yeah I'm a little concerned. He is, not a fan of me. Or anyone really , except Pam maybe, but who isn't."

You have new messages from yesterday." Erin said to Pam on the phone.

"Hmmm? Oh yeah."

Erin frowned. "Pam are you crying?"

"Hmm? No. No. Everything's under control. I'm...gonna go answer the messages"

PAM BEASLEY

"I mean, yeah did people find out about the downsizing? Yes. Is everyone panicking?...Yes. But I mean everyone makes mistakes. Um, I heard our last manager Ed helms got decapitated."She laughed and then looked off to the side, worried.

"Attention all employees. Pam just texted me there's a meeting in the conference room." Erin said. "Why doesn't she just tell us." Erin faltered. "She's obviously having a breakdown." Dwight said. "Okay everyone in a single file line. Keep your voices down as not to upset Pam's fragile mental state." 

MICHAEL AND ERIN

"Pam's....got issues." Michael said.

"One time I saw her eat an entire cake out of the trash." Erin said seriously.

Michael nodded. "To be fair it was chocolate. I mean would have too."

"Which is more proof of her issues."Erin said innocently as Michael tilted his head in confusion at her indirect insult.

PHYLLIS"Well I dunno about issues. I mean , she probably should have taken a break after...the whole roy thing."

STANLEY

"The woman needs therapy so she can stop making everything our problem."

Pam stood up in front of everyone, who were watching her earnestly. "Um, I feel like I should set the record straight."

"As assistant regional manager I should know first." Dwight said.

"Thats..." Pam rubbed her forehead as Dwight leaned close to her.

She whispered in his ear.

"There is going to be-" he started to say but Pam clammed her hand over his mouth.

"There is now...a possibility, of downsizing this branch, or Stamford." She took her hand of his mouth and rubbed it on his jacket, to which he barely reacted.

Everyone started shouting things. Pam couldn't keep up.

"What if they downsize here?" Phyllis said. "Not gonna happen. Not if I have anything to do with it." Pam said unconvincingly.

"You won't." Dwight said. "The decision will be in tbe hands of , god help us, halpert."

Everyone groaned. Pam winced. "Now don't panic. I don't think he has the final say."

"Course he does." Dwight said. "Pam I love you like a sister but you are willfully unequipped for such a job and don't know what your talking about, like my sister. Although, you have nice hair. And a moderately attractive body. You could pull a Karen and seduce halpert at the very least."

Pam bitchfaced the camera. " Thanks ."

"Your welcome." He said good naturedly.

"That's true, Jim halpert is the scranton mattress." Angela said.

"Look who's talking " Erin mumbled.

"Actually pam might have a point. Not about seducing Jimbo, cus he's always tearing through them hoes so it wouldn't even matter if she slept with him."

Once again Pam bitchfaced the camera.

PAM BEASLEY

"I mean they're not wrong about Jim being a slut. They are definitely wrong if they think I'll be seducing him though."

The final call is ultimately going to be David Wallace." Michael continued. "So I think we'll be fine. Me and David go way back."

Erin shook her head no at the camera.

MICHAEL SCOTT 

Man me and David Wallace are like, soul brothers man. Like I'll call him and he'll be like "how did you get this number, stop calling me" and I'll be like "oh David." It's part of our hilarious back and forth. Like Chandler and...george costanza. "Michael laughed. "Yeah we have fun. Me and Jimbo too actually. Hes like...ross." Michael laughed then then his frown instantly went away. " don't tell Pam."

ERIN HANNON

Yeah David's filed multiple restraining orders against everyone here.

Dwight looked around at the chaos. Then at Pam. He stood up. "Guys I think Pam wants to say something."

Pam looked around flustered. "Um.." her heartbeat rang in her chest. She looked down.

Dwight sighed in dissapointment and pity and stood up. "Guys, look everything will be fine."

"Yeah I mean, if they try, Pam will just say 'you can mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillun'." Michael said.

"Yeah. I mean probably not that exactly that, I doubt Pam could pull of that level of blind confidence but something like that" Dwight said. Pam facepalmed.

"Um, how about we just like, all don't come to work, that way they can't fire us all." Meredith said.

Oscar looked into the camera. 

OSCAR

"Yeah I'd say I'm pretty worried."

"Um guys-" Pam said, trying to get everyone to shut up with little success.

"Maybe if we intimidate Karen she'll back down." Kelly said. "I'm really good at that."

KELLY KAPOOR

"In middle school I used to fight bitches like Karen. Well, not to their face, they were too scared to talk to me. Not 'cus I was like weird or anything."

Guys nothing we say will effect anything." Oscar said.

"Guys oscars right." Dwight said.

"Thank you."

" We have to take action against halpert so he ends this."

"No that's not what i-" oscar tried to say.

"Yeah we could light his car on fire! That's what I did to my bitch of an ex-boyfriend who tried to take custody of my son-"

"Meredith!" Pam said.

"Yeah no one wants likes to hear about your weird kids !" Andy said.

"Andy!" Erin said. "...what I meant was ...you see...because...we love...your kids, not just like them." Erin smiled. She looked back at Pam . Andy looked at her with a soft smile as everyone else continued to shout. Pam frowned and walked out in frustration.

ANDY 

"How do I feel about all of this? Well honestly we could probably pull it off. I'd distract Jim with my hilarious jokes and Meredith with get the gasoline- "there was a pause as the operator said something "Oh you meant about the downsizing? Well, I mean downsizings a bitch but, I mean, this job, isn't... exactly the best . Then again I don't really have anywhere but else to go. I mean...what am I gonna do with all this information...like Erin's favorite food, which is strawberries dipped in chocolate dipped in whipped cream dipped in more chocolate."

ERIN HANNON

"Andy knew I like strawberries dipped in chocolate dipped in whipped cream dipped in more chocolate?? " Erin smiled wide. "That Andy. Such a weird stalker, keeping track of what I eat...oof, watch out for that guy." She smiled like all was right with the world.

~~~~~~

Dwight sighed. "Damn it. Which one of you did this!" He pulled out his stapler in jello.

Pam ran up to him. " Dwight we've talked about the shouting!"

"I wouldn't need to shout if people wouldn't keep putting my stuff in jello!"

Pam sighed. "Michael?"

"Yeah don't look at me." He said. "I never repeat a joke."

Pam rolled her eyes. "Erin?"

Erin was struggling to hold in her laughter. "No but I wish I had."

"Well than who?" She paused and rubbed her forehead.

"Really Andy?"

Andy struggled to hold in the laughter.

"Why do you assume it was me?"

Angela facepalmed.

"Your literally eating jello!" pam said. " I'll deal with you later ." She turned to Dwight. "You can borrow my stapler. And I'll take ...this."

she took it with one hand in disgust.

"Um, pam, shouldn't he have to eat his way through it?" Erin said.

Pam glared in dissapointment and Erin frowned and sunk down.

"That's true! I mean there are starving people in the world." Michael said.

Pam rubbed her forehead and threw the jello in the trash on the way inside her door. 

"Um, would you like to go come with us for the end of the week get together drink?" Andy said.

"Um, yeah that sounds totally awesome. When is it?" Erin said.

"...at the end of the week." Andy said.

Erin and him both laughed.

Angela walked up to them. "Andy, why are you out of your seat again? After pulling a childish prank too? It's like you don't even wanna make money for us."

Andy faltered. "Angela sweetheart I've finished all my work. Don't you worry about a thing." As he said it he booped her on the nose and she frowned in disgust.

Erin's smile vanished and she looked away as Andy kissed her forehead. Angela softened up and said "don't let it happen again."

She walked away. "I hate to see her go...but I love to-"

"Actually I don't think I can make it." Erin said, looking down and speaking in a strictly business tone.

"Oh that's...um maybe another time."

"Yeah." She said, "you should get back to your seat so your fiance won't yell at you anymore."

Andy looked at her sadly. "Right."

He walked away. Erin stole a glance, then looked away.

ERIN

"Angela and Andy have been engaged for a while now. They were supposed to get married in September, then June, and well, it's autumn now so." erin said shrugged. There was a light grin on her face.

ANDY

"You know winter weddings are really coming back into style." Andy said awkwardly. "And um, there's always next spring."Andy looked around with unease. "Angela kind of , refuses to talk about it."

ANGELA

"Um, who knows really, I don't like to plan ahead. Gods will naturally play out. If we get married in three years, or um, tommorow, or possibly never even though I want to obviously. I mean who knows. I think it's blasphemy to try and predict the Lord's plan."She looked down and noticed her shirt was unbottoned. She buttoned it up and shifted awkwardly.

Angela looked at Dwight. Dwight nodded and they left the room 30 seconds apart.

Pam watched from her office.

PAM 

"Yeah this office is like summer camp. Everyone's doing it with everyone. Also I think I should clarify I would rather have sex with Meredith Palmer or a muppet than Jim freaking halpert. Not...not that im gay or attracted to puppets."

Michael stood up and walked over to holly's desk. "Hello mrs.flask. I was um, wondering if you wanted to carpool to Andy's thing."

She looked up. "Um, sure, but won't you be already taking Jan?"

"Oh Jan's going to be meeting hunter to discuss business on a weekend trip with Hunter. Just.. you know strictly business stuff"

Holly looked into the camera for a brief second as if to say: poor michael.

MICHAEL SCOTT 

"Who's Jan? Well..." Michael pulled a picture out of his wallet of him, her, and a girl. She was pushing him out of the photo. "She's my wife of, gee I dunno, like 10 years maybe...ten whole years of jan. " Michael looked off into space. "Um that's our little girl, Astrid. I...wanted to name her Leia. Like um, princess Leia from star wars, but you know, happy wife happy life."The camera zoomed in on Michael's face. "And I am, so... happy..."He said with a distance gloom in his eyes.

HOLLY FLAX. 

"Oh Astrid and Jan? They're great. Jan is....such a cool woman. Yep....oh and Astrid is adorable. " Holly said the latter much more earnestly. " When we all heard Michael was having a kid i figured Michael would have chosen something from star wars....like um, oooh Leia. After princess Leia. Awww. But no Astrid's great. I mean it's not my baby......."

~~~

Pam sighed and drummed her fingers on the desk. She called Erin. Erin wandered in.

"Hey Erin I was gonna ask-"

"Its alright pam! I understand!"

"...what?"

Erin burst into tears.

Pam looked at the camera in distress. " Erin what-"

"I'll pack my things and go. I understand-" She ran out.

"No Erin wait!" Pam groaned.

"Dwight catch Erin before she leaves and tell her she's not being let go and I just wanted to ask if she had any extra post it notes."

"On it." He said, he ran out of the building.

Pam sighed. She ran her fingers through her hair and walked towards the window. Sighing again she dialed her mom.

Hermom answered. "Hey honey how are you."

"Good. I'm good mom." She said as tears fell down her face.

"What's wrong sweetie?"

"Nothing, just, um, wanted to hear a comforting voice."

Pam blinked the tears away and took a deep breath as her mom talked.

"Ahh honey, you know you can always talk to me."

"Yeah I know. Um, tell me about your day."

Her mom started talking and Pam noticed Erin running outside. Dwight caught up to her and carried her away on his back like she was a trash bag. It was an assuming sight and it made her chuckle slightly. Her mom finished talking.

"That's nice mom." Pam said. "I gotta go. "

"Oh okay bye. i love you so much sweetie."

"Alright bye. I love you too." She brushed away the tears and turned around to see none other than halpert standing there, grabbing his phone off her desk.

"Uh, forgot my phone. "

Pam stiffened. "Did you hear anything?"

"Um, all i heard was I love you too." Jim looked away awkwardly. "Who's the lucky guy?"

Pam laughed. Halpert always acts above it all but deep down he lives for the drama.

"Maybe that's for me to know. And for you not too." She said with forced confidence.

Jim smiled in a way that made Pam feel like she was witnessing a very bad stand up routine, or like she was in one of those documentaries where the girl is murdered by some sociopath. "Well hopefully they don't work with you. God knows how badly that worked out for both of us."

Pam smiled briefly, but it was forced. She mostly wanted him to leave. He took the hint. "Have a good day Beasley. Bye"

"Will do." She said with sarcasm.

She sat back down when halpert ran back in and threw yogurt at her.

She caught it and bitchfaced him. "Had an extra. " He said shrugging.

Pam raised her eyebrows. "When people say bye they usually leave." Pam said with sarcasm, but her lips were tilted up at the corners, a ghost of a smile. He noticed and grinned.

"Right." He tapped the door awkwardly and left. She looked down at the yogurt. It was mixed berry. Pam rolled her eyes and tossed it in the trash.


	2. health care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting a health care plan proves harder than it should for Pam. Also Dwight is a "lion" and Erin is a "drugstore version of Pam"? -holly flax

  
Pam walked up to Erin's desk . Erin looked up

"Oh hey Pam." She said.

Pam smiled. She spoke in a soft tone. "Erin I was wondering if you could send me that thing about the new health care plan."

"Hmm? Pam I can't here you your mumbling?"

Pam leaned in a little. "The health care plan!"

"Pam did you loose your voice? I have some cough drops-"

"THE NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN ERIN! " Pam screamed. Everyone looked at her and she groaned.

"Okay okay no need to scream! I'll send it."  
Erin mimicked Pam in a mocking tone.

Pam bitchfaced the camera.

"Have you decided on the new health care plan?" Jim said, sitting in front of her. His hair was sparkling with whatever fancy conditioner he was into now, his cologne stunk up rhe room and he was wearing, for whatever reason, a blazer unbuttoned far too low and he also had sunglasses resting in his hair, and theres only two types of people who wear sunglasses in their hair, douchebags and blind people, and although Pam would love it if Jim was blind, since that means he probably wouldn't work with her, he was definitely the latter.

Pam tried not to let her annoyance at Jim's general existence show on her face. "Um, there's a problem I have with these, they're all, really cheap? They cut way too much."

"Pam , that's why we have a new health care plan, to cut the budget. Your already spending way too much money fixing...damages caused by your employees."

*It shows a clip of Michael about to jump off the roof onto a trampoline with Erin. Pam ran up to them and stopped them, but knocked over the camera onto a car. There's a loud crash.*

"I mean, when I worked here i remember Dwight used to do all kinds of stupid-"

"Well things have changed Jim." Pam said rather harshly. "Things are not as destructive as you think."

Jim raised his eyebrows in disbelief and Pam flustered at being caught in an obvious lie.

"Look, I don't like upsetting people anymore than I have too. "

Jim rolled his eyes. "Your the manager. It's your job . Figure it out." Jim stood up and walked out.

Pam looked into the camera in annoyance.

PAM

*It shows a clip of Stanley yelling at Ryan while a terrified Pam tried to spilt them apart.*

PAM

"But I mean, hopefully we won't have to cut too much. I-"  
Pam heard a loud crash. She ran out of her office.

"Oh my god!" She said at the sight she saw before her.

Andy was on top of the copier. It was making noises and none of them could mean anything good. Erin was screaming in shock.

she pulled him off. "what the hell Andy!"

"Wow no: are you okay no :what's wrong-"

Pam slapped him.

"Yeah I deserved that." He mumbled.

She looked at Erin.  
"They were goofing off like children." Angela said.

Erin blushed."no...."

ERIN

  
"Yeah, we were seeing who could do the best cartwheel."

ANDY

  
"If I wasn't for the copier I would have definitely won."

ANGELA

  
"Does it bother me that my fiance is always goofing off with a drugstore version of Pam? Well no. She doesn't threaten me. Have you seen what she's wearing." Angela said, laughing.

ERIN

  
Erin awkwardly covered up her shirt. "It was on sale."

Pam grabbed her face and groaned. "My office, now!"

~~~  
Pam crushed up a couple pills and put them into a glass of water. She drank it. She stood up and walked over to the window, banging her head against it.

Erin and Andy looked at each other.

ERIN

  
"Yeah, when Pam gets like this it's best not to talk, or speak, or breathe. " Erin said.

ANDY

  
"If Pam isn't talking and your in trouble then you know something is horribly wrong. It's worse than getting yelled at." Andy said.

"Um, Pam-" Andy said. Erin shushed him.

Pam held up a finger, the universal sign to "shut the hell up".

They did for a few more minutes of Pam's pacing around when Andy couldn't take it any longer.

"Pam I'm very confused right now."Erin said .

ERIN

  
"Usually when Pam does this I crush up some antidepressants and put them in her 'happy drink'. But it appears she's started taking them on her own."

Pam groaned and sat in her chair, banging her head against the desk.

"Pam, was that copier like, really important to you or-" Erin said.

"Oh you don't get it do you!" Pam said, flailing her arms. "Of course you wouldn't. "

"That's mean, but fair." Andy agreed. Erin nodded.

Pam stood up and took a deep breath. She stood in front of them.

"Look, this is , and I'm not exaggerating, the worst possible day this could have happened."

"How so?" Erin said.

"Well, you know the knew health care plan? "

Erin nodded. Andy looked between them and also nodded.

ANDY

  
"When I don't know what's going on I usually just copy Erin. She's so smart."

Pam sighed. "Well, they already wanted me to make a lot of cuts to save business, and...now that out copiers gone, and that copier is company property, we are going to have to make some serious budget cuts and that's going to effect the overall cost of the healthcare plan!"

Erin and Andy looked at her with blank expressions. Then at each other. Than back at her.

"Okay, it's not that we're not hearing you, we just..." Erin said.

"Pam what the fuck are you saying?"

"IM SAYING WE'RE FUCKED ANDY!" She said. Erin and Andy drew back. She groaned into her hands, then let out a slow pained laugh.

"Pam, do you...do you want me to recommend you to a therapist?" Erin said.

"I can too." Andy said.

ERIN AND ANDY

  
"I don't wanna brag, but I'm kind of an expert at therapy. I saw a lot of them after I got out the hospital from being in there from ages 3-6. I don't think I needed it but the hospital and several of my foster home friends seem to think so."

"Yeah and I'm like, also an expert, given my extensive stay at anger management camp."

Andy and Erin high fived.

~~~~  
"Wait!" Pam said, startling both of them. "If I buy a new copier, than no one has to find out about this."

"Well there you go!" Andy said.

"Can we um, leave now?" Erin said.

ERIN  
"When Pam starts maniacally laughing we usually give her about 30 minutes of alone time to cool off."

"Oh no your not! This is coming out of your paychecks too!"

Andy and Erin incoherently complained.

"YOU GUYS BROKE THE COPIER!" Pam screamed.

Andy and Erin nodded. "Thats fair." Andy said. "But do we have to ride with you because your giving off some serious Harley Quinn vibes right now."

"Oooh yeah and Jim's the joker!" Erin said. They high fived and Pam looked into the camera slowly and painfully.

~~~~  
Oscar knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Pam said.

Oscar opened it.

"Hi." He said awkwardly.

"Oscar Martinez. " She said with forced happiness. She stood up and gave him a hug. "How the heck are you!"

"Um...the same as I've been every day i work here."

"Funn!" She said. "Sit have a seat."

"Oh..okay." he said. He mouthed "what??" To the camera as he sat down across from Pam.

Pam poured them both glasses of apple juice. "So, how are you, how's....Gill."

"Hes fine. I'm sorry did you need something-"

"Oscar!" Pam said. "Can't two friends just talk! Like old times!"

"What times? Pam what are you...are you doing drugs." Oscar whispered. "Do you need money?"

Pam bit her lip and looked down awkwardly, the forced smile fading. "N...no I'm not on drugs Oscar. Um, I need a favor, can you watch the office while I'm gone."

Oscar winced." Pam, I'd love to help, but...no."

"Oscar why! Your the sanest person here! Pleasseee! I can set you up with this really cute guy at my gym-"

"I'm not gay." Oscar said quickly.

Pam bit back a laugh "oh um, that's my bad i-"

"No no it's cool." Oscar said , standing up, "I should probably go back to my desk now."

"I mean, or i could try and convince you-" Pam said as Oscar shut the door.

Pam frowned and crossed his name off a peace of paper.

~~~  
Phyllis knocked on the door.

"Come in." Pam said.

"Um, hey?"

"How are you Phyllis."

"Um, good? Did you need something?"

"Phyllis." Pam said with forced cheeriness. "Can't I just talk to my good friend. Sit, have a seat."

"Oh, okay." Phyllis said with a smile. She sat down across from Pam, who poured them both drinks.

"So , how are you and Bob?" Pam said, she was grinning so wide she was worried her face would get stuck that way.

"Good." Phyllis said. "We recently purchased a pair of sex dice-"

"Wowwwww um, that's fantastic, uh, that's-"

"They've really spiced up our morning routine-"

"Oh um, you know we don't actually have to talk about-"

"We've also been taking some sex therapy classes,not that the sex is bad it just felt like we weren't connecting-"

"You know I never noticed how well the color of the walls matches the carpet-"

"And now we're closer than ever. It's a shame you didnt come to me when you and Roy were having problems, all this really could have helped you-"

"You know Phyllis actually I am ...very busy...um," Pam stood up and motioned for Phyllis to stand up too.

She did. "Oh okay, but if you and halpert ever work out your lingering sexual tension we should all double date." Phyllis said as Pam pushed her out the door.

"Great will do." Pam said, she shut the door and sunk to the floor in agony.

~~~~

"Come in!" Pam said.

Stanley opened the door.

"What is it?" He said.

"Oh Stanley, can't a friend just-"

"What do you want?"

"I was wondering if you could be in charge of the office while I'm gone-"

Stanley slammed the door.

She sighed and crossed his name off the list.

~~~  
"Come in!"

Holly walked in.  
"Um, hi."she sat down.

"Oh holly, sweet holly flax. You know I used to be like you, happy, weird, in love." She laughed.

Holly laughed awkwardly too and looked the camera in distress before saying "Did you need something or...?"

"Well holly, I was um, wondering if you could watch the office while i was gone."

Holly looked into the camera with panic. "Oh I don't think-"

"It would just be for a few hours-"

"I mean, I have so much work to do-"

"Mmm, but you don't though-"

"I mean, what's if there's an H.R. emergency-"

"Has there ever been though?"

"I just...don't think.... I'm going to be doing ...what your asking me right now. You could try Michael."

"Oh god, Michael Scott as manager, can you imagine?" Pam laughed.

Holly laughed awkwardly. "Um, how about Dwight?"

Pam laughed even harder. "I think that would be worse. Who else-"

When she looked up holly had already left her office.

Pam sighed. No other choice then.

~~~  
"Come in!" Pam said.

Dwight walked in.

"Dwight I was wondering if-"

"Yes, absolutely, I'll do it."

"Do you even know-"

"You want me to be acting manager while you go buy a new copier so Jim doesn't find out Andy broke Pam we all saw." Dwight walked up her and looked around tbe office."yes this will be just fine."

"Um, no Dwight you can't use my office."

"Well then I won't do it." Dwight said, walking out.

"Wait!" Pam said. "You can use the conference room, as a _temporary_ **working space."**

"Nice! My own office! Boy if mose could see me now-"

"Um great just...don't do anything."  
She said, but she didn't think he heard over his rambling. She looked at the clock.

"Oh god, um, I gotta go, please don't make things worse." She ran out.

"Andy , Erin, come on!" She said. They followed behind her.

Angela watched suspiciously.

As Pam left Dwight noticed something on Pam's desk. A healthcare plan phamplet.

Dwight raised his eyebrows in intrigue.

~~~~  
Pam rode at the front of the car while Andy and Erin rode at the back.

Erin and Andy looked at each other awkwardly.

Pam simply looked ahead.

"Um, Pam?" Andy said.

"No. No , no talking." Pam said.

There was more silence.

"Pam can you turn on the radio?" Erin said.

Pam sighed and turned on her music list.

It was Elliot Smith.

There was about 30 more seconds before Andy said.

"Pam I don't wanna be rude but this is incredibly depressing."

Pam banged her head against the steering wheel. Just then her phone rang.

"Oh Erin could you get that?"

"On it" Erin answered. "Dunder Mifflin this is Erin. Sorry no, this is Pam's phone in pams car and this is Erin.

Pam chuckled slightly.

"WHAT?!" Erin said.

Pam nearly crashed. "Erin what-"

"It's holly. She says Dwight made a bunch of huge cuts to the health plan."

Pam groaned. "I didn't ask him to do my job I just wanted him to make sure no one died! Give my the phone."

"It's not safe to talk and drive Pam." Andy said.

"Now!" Pam said.

"I'll just put it on speaker." Erin said. She did.

"Um, hello?" Holly said.

"Yeah holly , what's happening?"

"Well Dwight made a new healthcare plan. He says you put him in charge and he's doing, as he said, what a lion would do? I'm not sure what that means but people are very upset."

Pam tilted her head in confusion. "Give Dwight the phone "

There was rustling around.

"Hello?"

"Dwight! What the hell! I didn't ask you to do my job!"

"Yes you did. And might I say I am doing it much better."

"No I didn't! And no your not! Everyone's mad at you!"

"Um, that's what leaders do Pam. They make tough decisions that everyone might not like. You should try it some time."

Dwight hung up as Pam pulled into the parking lot.

"Could you guys get out of the car?" Pam said.

Erin and Andy got out , mostly out of fear as they were already leaving.

They shut the door and avoided looking at pam.

"Have you noticed Pam seems more wound up?" Erin said.

*In the background it shows Pam screaming in her car*

"Right? It's this whole downsizing thing."

"God I hate Jim. Karen too."

"I know right. Big tuna is the worst."

"What?"

"Oh that's the nickname I gave him." Andy said.

"Oh, because he's smug like a fish?"

"Well it was originally because he was eating a tuna sandwich but that works too."

"Okay!" They heard Pam say, they turned around and her mascara showed in lines down her face but other than that she seemed like the perfect illusion of a normal functioning person. "Let's go buy a new copier."

She walked in front of them. Andy and Erin looked at the camera in concern.

~~~  
When holly walked into Dwight's "office" she wasn't sure if she could ultimately change anything but she knew she couldn't just not try.

"Dwight?"

"Yes ms.flax?"

"Um, a lot of people are really unhappy with this."

"Well, obviously, but what else was I supposed to do?"

  
DWIGHT

  
"You know, in the wild-" kevin banged on the door behind Dwight, interrupting what was sure to be a long monologue about his superiority. Kevin gave him the finger.

  
"Well, maybe don't cut more than you have to. I mean why would you want worse health care?"

"I don't need it. I've never been sick in my entire life."

"Never? Wow that's impressive." Holly sat down across from him. Time to change tactics.

Dwight grinned."I guess it is."

"And in only a day you managed to make a whole health care plan? I mean your a badass Dwight. Like a superhero."

Dwight laughed to himself. "I guess that's true. "

"I mean, the only thing more impressive would be....no I shouldn't say it... It's too big a challenge even for you."

Dwight grinned. "Oh come on tell me, I'm sure it's not."

"Well, I mean, what if you came up with a health care that people actually liked? Or at the very least one that covered people's illnesses? Assuming it's not too hard. We'd all understand."

"Oh hush, that doesn't sound too hard at all. Anything's possible for a schrute."

"Really? Dwight that's awesome." She said.

"I try. " He said. "I'll come up with a health care plan everyone will enjoy. "

"That's the spirit" holly said. She grinned at the camera as she walked out.

HOLLY FLAX

  
"Oh your right, my teachers did love me in high school. Why do you ask?"

"Okay everyone, write your diseases down on here. They will be covered if you write them."

After some back and forth between Michael and Dwight Dwight went back into his office.  
Holly looked into the camera.

HOLLY FLAX

  
"Well, they can't all be winners. Also some of my teachers thought I was a kiss-ass and a know it all."

Angela groaned. "This is ridiculous. Where on Earth is pam."

"Probably having a secret love affair with someone "Kelly said. Ryan nodded.

"Maybe she's in -"  
Kevin started to say.

"Not everything is about the mob Kevin!" Oscar said.

".....I wasn't gonna-"

"Yes you were."

Kevin looked down rejected.

"I heard she's hooking up with jim. " Meredith said.

"I thought you were sleeping with Jim?" Phyllis said.

Meredith looked at the camera in disgust.

MEREDITH  
"I mean sure I'd send him a few nudes but that's more for favors I can cash in. Imagine sleeping with that slut." She laughed.

  
"This is ridiculous!" Stanley said. "I'm calling her."

~~~  
Pam was talking to someone about which copier to get while Andy and Erin played on the dishwashers like children.

She nervously watched them out of the corner of her eyes. She mentally made a plan of the quickest way to run out if they broke something.

Her phone ran, interrupting her train of thoughts.

She answered it. "Hello?"

Stanley had her on speaker. "Pamela halpert what is the meaning of this?"

"Look Stanley I can explain-"

Everyone began talking incoherently and Pam couldn't understand, she couldn't deal, she couldn't-

"LISTEN! EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE! BECAUSE IM FIXING IT! IN FACT IM OUT HERE GETTING SOMETHING AS A SUPRISE TO FIX IT RIGHT NOW! SO SHUT UP AND TRUST ME!" she said. She hung up the phone leaving everyone shocked. She looked up and smiled sweetly at the terrified employee. "As you were saying?"

~~~  
"What are you writing?" Michael asked holly.

"Oh um, nothing, why-"

"Because I'm writing mad cow disease " Michael said.

Holly grinned. "Michael no. If we take him seriously he might make us a better health plan. "

Michael nodded, ashamed.

"Besides, you can't have mad cow disease, it's not a real disease. Unlike mine, i have hydroplosion, the disease that makes my teeth melt and go to the back of my throat."

Michael laughed way harder than any normal person probably would have. She joined in." God I love you."He said.

They both tensed up.

"I mean like, i love my mom, or I love star wars-"

"Or a the x men." Holly added helpfully.

"Right, the x men! Love...love that." Michael said, walking away and cringing at himself.

Holly smiled sadly.

HOLLY FLAX

  
"You know, even though my teachers might have loved me, they'd always preferred someone else... I guess that's true in most things."

~~~~  
"What is the meaning of this!" Dwight said, listing off the diseases Michael had made up.  
Him and Michael bickered like usual and Michael ended up locking him in his "office".

Holly grinned. Eventually she'd let him out, but she let Michael have his fun.

~~~~  
Dwight groaned and sat down.

"I guess this leaves me with no other choice."  
He picked up his phone and dialed a number.

"Hello?"

"This is Dwight schrute."

"I know who it is Dwight. I'd recognize your obnoxious voice anywhere."

"Well its nice to see you still have all the charm of a dead weasel."

Jim groaned. "What do you want?"

"Listen, normally I'd never call but since I'm acting manager I need your permission to fire Michael Scott."

"Woah, wait, what? Where's Pam?"

"Pam is out...doing stuff."

"And she just, left you, Dwight k. schrute, in charge. " Jim groaned. "Jesus Christ Pam."

"Smart isn't she."

"Okay Dwight listen to me very carefully. You are not in charge of anything."

"False. I just made everyone a health care plan, Pam's orders."

"Really? That's...oh god. I'm coming over there right now. Tell Pam to call me. "

"Why can't you call her?"

"She never picks up when I call her."

Dwight laughed. "I wonder why."

Jim hung up.  
~~  
Pam was in line to buy the new copier when she noticed something...  
She was considerably less stressed than before.  
And that could only mean one thing.

She rolled the cart to the side and went looking for Andy and Erin.

"Andy?! Erin?!" She yelled. She asked the employee if he saw any adults acting like children recently.  
He said they left the store a while ago.

Pam panicked and ran outside. She looked around for her car. When she couldn't find it she swore for a few seconds too long, scaring a mom and her kid.

"Fuck."

  
~~~  
When Jim shows up at Scranton, everyone kind of just fades into the background so they aren't a victim of whatever idiotic nonsense is about to happen. That's what holly does anyway.

When Jim showed up holly stood by Angela. Angela looked annoyed but didn't say anything.

He ran through the door. "Where the heck is Dwight."

No one said anything.

Michael stiffened his laughter.

Jim glared at him. "Michael?"

"Why do you assume I know."

"Because your as red as a tomatoe and your laughing really loudly."

Michael laughed. "Um, jim, that's..."

Jim glared him down.

"He's in the conference room." Michael finally admitted.

"Thank you. Was that so hard." Jim said, walking past him .

"Was that so hard?" Michael mimicked.

Jim opened the door and shut it.

No one could really make out all the words but there was a lot of shouting. Everyone looked at each other in concern.

"I'm gonna go make sure they haven't killed each other." Holly said. She walked over, luckily for her she didn't have to do anything because Pam ran through the door.

"I swear to God Andy you'd better have a good explanation-" she stopped when she noticed they weren't here, also everyone looked really tense.

"Okay, either someone's dead, or Jim's here " she said.

"He's in the conference room yelling at Dwight."

Pam ran into the conference room.

"Jim wait! It was me I put him in charge!"

"You authorized this terrible health care plan?!"

"......yes."

"Why on Earth...."

"Well the thing...the thing of it is...is that...well...."

Jim sighed. "Pam , where have you been all day?"

"I was..."

Jim crossed his arms and waited .

"I was, with Andy and Erin, doing job stuff "

"Pam the only job you had today was to pick the health care plan"

"Well....I mean...."

  
At the same time, both pam and Jim's phone's rang.

Pam answered it.  
Jim answered it to.

"Um, pam, me and Andy are in... a bit of a situation....we tried to steal Karen's copier, and we got caught."

"WHAT?!" Jim and Pam screamed at the same time to their seperate phone calls.

Jim and Pam silently nodded in agreement that they would continue their fight later, they ran outside.

"Dwight, Michael, your coming too. I don't trust you guys alone."Pam said.

"That's fair." Michael said.  
Dwight nodded in agreement.

~~~~  
Jim and Pam rode next to each other silently, Jim was driving. Both glanced at each other in glares when the other wasn't looking.

Michael and Dwight looked at each other awkwardly. "Can....can you guys play some-"

"No." They both said.

Jim took a left.

"Um, it would have been faster if you took a left."

"I know where I'm going Pam."

"Well I know how to get there faster-"

"No backseat driving!"

"Im just saying..." Pam said, with a slight smirk.  
Pam liked annoying him. It was fun to push at his buttons and get to the child underneath that grown up disguise.

"Are we there yet ?" Michael said.

"We get there when we get there!" Jim said.

Michael shoved dwight. "Your in my space."

"Oh I'm sorry does it have your name on it!" Dwight said. He slapped him. Michael retaliated.

"Jim Dwight's hitting me!"

"Pam." Jim said.

"Dwight stop hitting Michael! "Pam said.

He stopped and crossed his arms. "He started it." He mumbled.

"Does anyone have a gun I could shoot myself with?" Jim said.

~~~  
When they got there Karen had mixed reactions. (Pam of course had locked Michael and Dwight in the car)

"Pam" she said , hugging her with a genuine smile. "Oh my god it's been forever."

"I know right." Pam said with awkward but geniune happiness at seeing an old friend.

Karen nodded. "God I could never do what you do, be a manager to all ...pardon my language, insane freaks."

Pam nodded. "Well i could never do what you do."

"Oh your being modest. You could. Your Pam Beasley."

Pam grinned.

Just then Jim awkwardly showed up. He had taken a few extra moments in the car to "prepare" (probably to brace himself for the embarrassment of having to see his ex wife while picking up two of his workers who tried to break her copier.)

Karen crossed her arms and glared with a hint of playfulness. "Jim. Long time no see."

"Um, hello Karen, how are you."

"Great, I'm swimming in divorce money."

"Thats...." Jim said, looking into the camera.

Karen grinned. "I see you fixed the hair.

"I know right." Pam said, they both giggled.

"So um, could we just get what we came here for?" Jim said.

Karen and Pam both bitchfaced him.

"This way halpert . "Karen said.

She whispered to Pam. "I see the stick is wedged even further up his ass."

Pam bit back a laugh.

when they got to Karen's room, Andy and Erin were sitting there looking like their entire world had fallen apart.

Andy and Erin saw Pam and ran up to her and practically jumped on her.

  
"Pammmm! I don't wanna go to jail!" Erin said through tears.

"Erin your not-"

"I mean I'd do fine but Erin's a goner! She's too pretty she'd be so popular!"

"Andy explained to me why being popular in prison is bad and i don't LIKE IT-"

Pam pulled them both off of her and gently flicked them in the head. "Your not going to jail."

Andy and Erin took a brief moment to celebrate.

"Doesn't mean your off the hook either. I mean what on Earth possessed you to steal Karen's copier?"

"We were trying to do something nice for you Pam. " Erin said.

"Yeah your always doing everything for everyone, and we thought, maybe this time we can clean up our own mess."  
"Yeah Pam, we love you."

Pam smiled. She hugged both of them.

"Can we wrap this along-" Jim started to say. Karen flicked him in the head.

"Guys.." Pam said, pulling away. "That is so sweet, but you know what you can do for me?"

They were silent.

"Never try and help me again."

They nodded resolutely.

Pam smiled again. "Come on, let's go. Halpert your gonna have to call a taxi, there not enough room in the car."

Jim bitchfaced her and refused to make eye contact with a judgemental Karen.

Pam laughed on the way out.

~~~~  
When they got back Pam stayed in the office for the remainder of the day, working out the health care plan.

Everyone outside awaited in anticipation.

"So, this has been some day huh." Holly said to Michael.

"Tell me about it."Michael said. "Dwight gave me a bruise on the shoulder."

Holly looked into the camera. "Well yeah, but the other stuff mostly."

"Well yeah, that too." Michael said.

They grinned at each other.

Pam walked out of her office. "Okay, i have the new health care plan."

She handed it out to everyone.

"Pam, this is barely better than the last one..."Oscar said.

"Well, we did have to make cuts-"

"Yeah Pam we might as well go with Dwight thing-"Kelly said.

"I...I did the best that i could-"

"So whats the suprise?" Stanley said.

"Hmmm?" Pam said.

"You said you were out getting something to fix this."

"...well, it was going to be a new copier, but..."

"But what?" Stanley said.

"Well it's a funny story...um..."

Everyone looked at her in dissapointment, and one by one filed out of the office.

She avoided eye contact.

Erin and Andy gave her a hug before leaving. Michael patted her on the shoulder.  
Dwight looked her in the eyes and saluted her before leaving.

That at least got a chuckle out of her.

PAM

  
"I guess you can't please everyone, but the likelihood is your probably end up pleasing at least someone."


	3. Alliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For once everything seems to be going well."
> 
> "I'm about two seconds away from punching angela in the throat."

As soon as Pam left the bathroom, she was met with the yelling from Michael Scott. So just a normal day in the office...

"Pam Pam Pam!"

Pam jumped startled. "Jesus. Yes what is it Michael?" She walked and Michael followed.

"I was wondering if I could talk to you about downsizing?"

Pam forced a smile. "There isn't going to be downsizing Michael."

"You sure? Because I mean, I have a kid, also Jan will probably make me sleep outside if I get fired."

Pam looked at the camera in pity. "Um, well don't worry Michael. Everything is going to be absolutely fine."

  
PAM

"Yeah we're screwed. There will definitely be downsizing and to be honest I am not looking forward to it at all. But as my mom always used to say 'if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist'." Pam looked off to the side with a dead expression. "That was what she said when I asked her about the whore my dad was seeing."  
*The operator said something.* "Hmmm? Sorry what?"

  
Kevin and Stanley stood by the water cooler next to Dwight's desk.

"Dwight what is the meaning of this?"

Dwight looked into the camera.

DWIGHT

"All this talk of downsizing has got me worried. Plus I'm at a disadvantage because of all the water cooler gossip. I bring my own."

Erin was writing something down when Pam lightly tapped on her.

"Erin can I see you in my office for a moment?"

Erin looked at the camera worried. She followed Pam into the office and when Pam shut the door she said, "Pam I swear to God I thought it was baking powder-"

"What are you talking about?" Pam said, sitting down.

Erin looked into the camera. "...Nothing. So I'm not in trouble?"

Pam laughed. "No your not in trouble. I was going to talk to you about Ryan's birthday party."

Erin sat down. "Oh no need to worry Pam. I promise to make it as quiet and uneventful as the other parties."

  
ERIN

"For some reason, Pam hates birthday parties."

  
PAM

"I don't hate birthday parties. I just think why waste a bunch of money on like, decorations, and expensive cakes and cards and balloons and gifts and stuff. I mean why would we use company money to tell you how much older you are? I mean I only had one birthday party growing up with only a stolen Kroger cake from my neighbor Gary and i turned out great."

  
"Well see here's the thing, I know I usually don't say this, but I need you to make this one like, really big and epic and happy."

"Pam its today, we haven't had time-"

"Oh you'll figure it out." Pam said, brushing her hair out of her face. "Unless you won't be able to alone? I can ask Kelly to help-"

Erin looked into the camera worried. "No god! I mean, no we can handle it."

ERIN

"Kelly's great but there's a reason we suspended her from the committee. Events happened that I would not like to live through again."

  
Pam smiled. "That's my girl."

Erin was about to walk out when she turned back around. "Um, why though?"

Pam forced a smile, "No reason."

PAM

"Yeah everyone's really freaking out about the downsizing so we need a bit of a morale boost. I even saw kevin throwing up in the kitchen."

  
KEVIN

"Yeah that was unrelated."

  
~~~  
Holly noticed Michael was acting gloomy when they both went for drinks at the water cooler.

"You alright gloomy? You seem, agitated."

Dwight perked up.

"Oh nothing, just, it's this whole downsizing thing."

"Well...maybe...you know when I'm stressed my therapist says to take a deep breath, um, count your blessings, color."

Michael made agitated noises before saying, "your right, your right. Just ...gotta breathe. In and out."

Holly smiled and walked away.

Michael smiled as he watched her go. He took a deep breath.

Dwight grabbed him. "Form an alliance with me!" He whisper shouted.

Michael sputtered and regained his breath. "What?"

"We need to form an alliance. Will you form an alliance with me?"

Michael looked at him for several long seconds. "Absolutely I will."

MICHAEL

"You know, sometimes Tom and Jerry had to team up to defeat that dog, or the old lady with the yellow bird. That's basically what this is.... Dwight is, like Jerry and corporate is ...the old lady with the yellow bird. You think I'd know more about cartoons considering Astrid's always watching them." Michael laughed.

Unknown to them, Holly was listening in.

HOLLY

"It's not that Michael is...reckless ...It's that sometimes he, gets carried away...and does things that are...reckless and will end badly."

~~~~  
"I was thinking maybe we could do streamers." Phyllis said.

"Yeah I like that." Angela said, Erin sat between them. "What color?"

"We could do green, or red, or blue, or orange, or-"

"We should do red." Erin said, she was wearing a red top.

"I think red represents the devil." Angela said.

Erin covered up her top.

ERIN  
"Angela is...so *great!* Just so *GREAT* she is! God. I just wanna-" Erin imitated choking with her hands then laughed. "That was supposed to be a hug." She said softly.

Andy watched proudly from his seat.

ANDY  
"Look at that...my honey and my best buddy....working together. It's one of those things that can make someone so....happy "

  
Kelly ran into the conference room. "Guys, I know I've been banned from the party planning committee, but I'd just like to say-"

Angela shut the door in her face. Kelly frowned sadly.

  
KELLY

"Apparently planning a party for a fake charity you made up, which is just a cover up for the fact for an anniversary party with your boyfriend, is enough to get you kicked off a committee."

  
RYAN

"Wait, did she say boyfriend?"

~~~~~~~  
Dwight looked around. He tapped Michael's desk and made a bird noise. Michael did the same bird noise and they left the room 30 minutes apart.

Holly looked into the camera in distress. She followed them out to eavesdrop.

Michael and Dwight met up on the stairs. "Okay so whats the plan." Michael said, rubbing his hands in excitement.

"Well, first we have to go around the office and try and get information."

"Spying, got it."

"I'll stay in the woman's bathroom, you'll hide under a table-."

Holly looked at the camera in disgust.

Michael looked at him in disgust. "Ew Dwight no!"

"Bathrooms are always filled with the most gossip from woman. "

"...where are you getting your sources?"

".....rude girls, legally brunette, etc."

"........those are incredibly reliable sources. But I refuse to do any bathroom spying. It is sick!"

"I'm not going to be watching them or listening to them use the bathroom! I'll just be listening for gossip!"

Michael stared at Dwight like he was an alien.

"Look, no , just, oooh! I know! You can behind Erin's desk! She's smart and she's the receptionist she always knows what's going on!"

*It cuts to a clip of Erin falling off the table trying to hang up streamers.*

"Hmmm.....that's a good idea I hadn't thought of that."

"Yeah and I'll hide in jims office.. or you could-"  
"no you should....that's a good plan."

  
"Right! You might have watched mean girls-"

"Rude girls."

"Right. Rude girls and legally blond-"

"Brunette-"

"But I watched spy movies. Like...james bond. And spy kids 1-3 . I think I know how to run an operation."

MICHAEL

"Yeah don't watch the fourth one. There's like, a bunch of weird close ups. "

  
DWIGHT

"Michael's creepy knowledge of childrens films might help us succeed just yet."

  
MICHAEL

"He said what???! They're classics!"

Michael and Dwight shook hands and ran away.

Holly looked at the camera.

HOLLY

"Every so often...I am put in a situation in which I have to intervene in the office antics. I'm not the fun police, you know Michael can have his fun...but um, hiding in the office of your manager is a sure fire way to get fired. I should know, that's how I got fired from my last job. Course I was sneaking in to finish an old project but I guess he didn't really care about that when I scared him half to death."

  
Pam walked by the conference room where Erin and Angela and Phyllis were hanging up streamers and decorations.

PAM

"For once, everything seems to be going well."

  
ERIN

Erin smiled as wide as possible. "Yeah I'm about two seconds away from punching angela in the throat."

  
Kelly walked into Ryan's closest office. "Hey Ryan why are you getting up."

"Um, to eat?"

"No...no....noo.....stay here um..."

Ryan grinned. "Are we finally gonna have sex in my office?"

Kelly looked around in disgust. "Y...yep. Let's have sex in your....dirty disgusting cramped office."

"Nice! I should warn you though, if you hear scampering. It's not rats anymore I don't think, but it could be."

Kelly looked at the camera in horror.

KELLY

"Sometimes a hero has to make great sacrifices."

  
"Erin drop it " Angela said.

"Drop what? These fancy red streamers that I just found in storage? Um ...no."

"Erin! Red is deviantish!"

Phyllis looked between them in horror. There was a cake on the table.

Erin simply smiled and put them up, standing on the table. "Well you would know." She mumbled.

Angela gasped.

Phyllis tried to step between them. "Guys...settle down-"

Angela slapped Erin's leg, Erin stumbled and fell onto the cake, then rolled off the table.

Phyllis screamed.

Michael took the confusion to run out of the office. Holly looked into the camera an followed him. He went all the way to his car, then drove off. Holly quickly got in her car and followed.

~~~~

Pam came running into the room. "What the hell- ohh my god!"

Andy came running into the conference room second. Then everyone else except Michael and Holly. 

"What the- Erin!" Andy and Pam ran towards her and helped her up.

"I'm fine I'm fine. This isn't the first time this has happened to me."

"This specific situation?" Kevin said. Oscar shushed him.

"But what happened? How did you even-" Andy started to say.

"You know, I don't think it matters why . All that's important is that she's okay now." Angela said.

Erin and Phyllis bitchfaced her, but said nothing. Andy hugged her and she smiled. "Thank God your okay." Andy turned to Angela."Your right, once again you know best." He kissed her on the forehead.

Erin rolled her eyes. Pam hugged her. "Erin you could have died! Never stand on a table with a cake! That's like basic committee rules."

"I thought the rules were: 'no drama, no money, no noise'."

"Well I'm adding this . It's now the fourth rule."

"I thought the fourth rule was 'dont tell Jim'?" Phyllis said.

Pam bitchfaced the camera. "I guess this is the fifth rule."

~~~~~  
Michael pulled up his car into the parking lot at Jim's and David's workplace.

Holly facepalmed and followed him inside.

Kelly ran in, hair all messed up. "Sorry we're late, we heard a crash but we were um, finishing something up." Kelly said with a slight grin

Angela scowled in disgust.

Pam looked at her in pity.

Ryan came up to her shortly after. "I told you to say 'doing stuff' and then I would say 'im stuff' that way we would be subtle about it while still letting the camera crew in on the fact that we were banging."

Everyone gagged.

~~~~~

Michael ran up to near Jim's office, it was empty. He looked across for Jim and saw him flirting with some girl.

Michael smirked at the camera, then ran into Jim's room.

Holly looked around in distress.

"So like, I've been hitting the gym the lot. I mean I don't have a membership or anything-" Jim said to the uninterested girl.

Holly rolled her eyes and ran into Jim's office after Michael. She saw his legs underneath Jim's desk. She sighed.

~~~

  
" So what's all this." Ryan said.

Erin walked in front, covered in cake." Suprise!"

"My birthdays next week." Ryan said.

"What?!" Pam said.

"Kidding, kidding." Ryan said."But I am allergic to strawberry, so it's a good thing that cake got destroyed. Anyways, let's party?"

Pam bitchfaced the camera.

~~~

Holly walked up behind Michael.

"Michael?"

"Gahh! You scared me!" Michael laughed.

"Michael what are you doing." She said.

"I'm .....being a pervert." He said unconvincingly.

"I know about the alliance."

"Oh thank God! I swear I wasn't being a pervert that's what Dwight told me to say and I was like 'i don't want people thinking I'm also sleeping with jim'-"

"Michael your not a kid anymore. You just had a kid of your own like almost a year ago."

"Less than a year? It feels like 10." Michael said glumly.

"Michael I know you wanna have fun but you could get fired for this. Why doesn't Dwight do it himself?"

"Um....because I'm the cool one?"

Holly looked into the camera.

"No, your naive. You know I'm right."

Michael looked at her for a moment in forced defiance, then sighed."Yeah, I do."

She smiled and helped him up.

They grinned at each other when they heard footsteps.

They looked at each other in panic.

"So yeah I'll see you later, it's a date-ahh!" Jim walked in.

"Suprise!" Michael said in panic. Holly facepalmed.

Jim held his chest to control his breathing. "What??!"

"We.....I'm a pervert-" holly clamped a hand over his mouth. "No...no Michael was not perving on you he's just making a joke. We....came here......."

Michael's eyes lit up. "To sell you something!"

Holly stiffened a laugh.

Jim bitchfaced them. "Get out."

"Will do." Michael said with a grin. They giggled and laughed as they briskly walked away.

Jim sighed against the wall.

On their way out Michael and Holly ran into the one person Holly actually prayed to see as little of as possible.

"Jan?" Michael said.

She was talking to hunter near the receptionist desk.

Jan turned around. "Michael hey." She said, she walked up to Michael and kissed him. "wh...what are you doing here?"

"Wh...what are you doing here..with hunter....I mean you haven't worked here in like-" Michael said this with slight accusation in his voice and holly looked into the camera in panic and Jan interrupted him.

  
"Oh I was just...visiting an old friend?"

".........at his workplace?"

Jan laughed. "Well yeah is there a problem?"  
She stared him down and he did back but eventually he gave in.

"N....no."

Jan smiled. "Fantastic. So um, why uh, are you here...with holly."

She said holly's name like a swear word. Holly winced.

Michael smiled bitterly. "I was here, visiting...my old friend."

Jan's eyebrows raised. "She doesn't even work here-"

"Well Jan I'd love to chat but...I really must be going." Michael said, linking his arm around holly. Holly smiled. "You visit your old friend, and I'll visit mine, and I'll see you at home."

He walked away quickly and him and holly laughed as Jan glared. "Oh she is gonna kill me when I get home!"

"Totally worth it." Holly said.

"No doubt."

~~~

Ryan looked around the room awkwardly. He pulled Kelly aside. "You know this has been fun, but...I'm gonna go."

"Ryan this is your party!" Kelly said, trying to stop him.

Erin and Angela noticed. They looked at each other and nodded. They walked up to Ryan and blocked the door.

Ryan laughed. "Am I supposed to be scared-"

Erin grabbed him by the shirt. "Listen punk, i grew up in the streets, well not the streets maybe but a street. Then I was in an orphanage and foster home. Do you know how many ....pardon my language... meanie girls I had to fight?!"

Ryan raised an eyebrow and tried not to let the fact that he was nervous show.

"Yeah, and I just pushed a girl off a table for using the wrong streamers. What do you think I'd do to someone who left my party early?"

They stared him down. Ryan gulped. "You guys really thought I was gonna leave early? It was a joke." He forced a laugh. He walked away and continued to dance with Kelly.

Angela and Erin almost smiled at each other, but then coughed it away.

"Your shirt is whoreish." Angela said.

"You look like an American girl doll." Erin said, as they walked away from each other. But Andy caught the almost smile and grinned.

Meredith walked into the bathroom to wash her hands, when she noticed something was off.

"Hello?"

No one said anything.

Meredith shrugged and left the bathroom.

Dwight grinned at the camera.

DWIGHT

"I actually did end up learning something from Pam later that day. It turns out, Pam was lying before..."

*It shows a clip of Pam talking to her mom*

  
DWIGHT

"...there if definitely going to be downsizing."

  
The camera crew tapped on Pam at the party. She looked at them confused.

PAM

"He knows?" Pam facepalmed. "Oh god. " She looked up. "Wait why was he in the woman's bathroom?"


	4. Hot Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " Um guys, I think big tuna is going to pound town on that hot purse girl." Andy said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this isn't too crack-fic-y . I feel like I'm really towing the line. :)

"Are you listening to me Pam?"

"Hmmm?" Pam said, she had been dosing off into space. She looked towards Jim, who was sitting in front of her on a chair pulled up to her desk. Hair looking like....well Pam couldn't think of an insult at that moment but she'd get to it.

"Did you here what I just said?" Jim said, annoyed.

"Um.... "

Jim sighed and rubbed his temple. " Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales."

Pam lit up. "Oh how is he. Tell him I said hi." Pam said.

"Im not going to do that. Anyways-"

Pam looked into the camera as if to say : can you believe this guy?

"-you can reward your top seller at the end of the month with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars. " Jim said curtly. He drummed his fingers on her desk. Pam tried to move them with her mind and sighed at her futile attempt.

"Will that be all?" Pam said bluntly.

"Well, almost. Apparently you have someone coming over to...sell handbags and they need me to supervise? I don't understand why I would have to supervise that...."  
Jim looked at her quizzically and pam bitchfaced the camera.

PAM

"Last week a woman named Katy tried to sell us handbags because ryan let her in. Ryan of course tried to sleep on her. Kelly got mad and , basically jumped her / threatened her. Corporate found out. They're letting Katy come here again so she won't sue the company with Jim here as added 'protection'. Same old same old. Although I fail to see how halpert could be of any service in that department. He's practically gumpy with hair."

Pam sat up, suddenly interested. "So...your gonna be like...hanging around here?"

"Yep."

"Well well well, looks like big fancy halpert is gonna have to be around us common folk."  
She teased.

He laughed awkwardly and almost smiled.

JIM

"no I am not looking forward to being here. I figure I'll just lock myself in the office with katy. Not...not in a weird way. Just so I don't have to be around ...you know everything. I'm...not gonna try and sleep with her."  
  


PAM

"Oh he definitely will. I just hope he waits till they leave the office." She joked.

~~  
Pam walked up to Erin. "Erin?" She said queitly.

Erin looked up. "Yeah Pam?"

"...who has the least work to do today ?"

"Um, probably me. why?"

Pam sighed forlornly. "Would you do me a favor and figure out would best motivate the office? As, as an incentive prize? Like, figure out what everyone wants? Also can we even afford it?"

"Sex." Dwight said , scaring her. "Our most attractive workers could promise sex. So...I guess either Angela or Me. Maybe erin if she didn't dress like a muppet."

Pam sighed." Dwight I am not prostituting my workers."

Dwight walked away. "Your loss."

"Pam Pam Pam Pam!" Michael said, rolling his chair over much to her chagrin.  
"Can I help you choose the incentive prize?"

"....Michael how did you know?"

"I heard you? You guys aren't talking very quietly we can all hear you."

Pam blushed into the camera. "Um, Michael...I don't think this is where your expertise is.."

"What you dont think I'd be good at annoying everyone untill they tell me stuff so I can leave? Come on Pam think."

Pam considered.

"He has a point." Erin said.

"But if it's just you or Erin you won't get anything done."

"Umm." Holly spoke up. "I could help."

Pam grinned. "Holly you are a lifesaver. I'm gonna go make sure everythings less dangerous before Katy arrives. I know Dwight's been hiding his weapons around."

She ran into the hallways.

Dwight grinned into the camera.  
  


DWIGHT  
"She can try, but she won't find them."  
  


~~~~in the conference room, Jim is on his phone in the background  
  


"So, um, you and Michael can talk to people to see what they want and I'll see what's in the budget?" Holly suggested.

"Or...." Erin said, sneaking a grin at the camera. "You and Michael can talk to people, and I'll see how much money we have."

Holly smiled softly. "Erin honey, do you know how to do that?"

Erin nodded.  
  


ERIN  
"Oh I have no clue, but any excuse to force Michael and Holly to spend time together." Erin grinned suggestively.  
  


HOLLY  
"I would just do it with Erin, but the way Erin's always looking at me, I assume she's either into me, or trying to get me to sleep with Michael, and both of those options are....concerning."  
  


~~~~~  
Erin said to Oscar. "Oscar?"

"Yes Erin? Why...why are you on the floor?"

"I'm gonna need your help with something."

".....with what?"

"Can you help me figure out how much like, money we have an stuff?"

Oscar looked into the camera annoyed.  
~~~

Michael and Holly walked up to Dwight.  
"Dwight what do you want as an incentive prize? "Holly said.

"And before you say it...it can't be sex...from anyone...except maybe Pam or Jim."Michael said.

"Pass. How about a partical accelerator to give me spider powers?" He said.

Michael nodded like this was a serious suggestion.holly looked into the camera.  
  


DWIGHT  
"I'm basically already a superhuman. But with spider powers I'd be invincible."  
  


"Um, maybe something smaller...like...what is the office missing besides-"holly said.

"A plasma screen TV." Her and Michael both said. Then blushed.

"Oooh a coffee machine." Phyllis said, listening in.

"That's true. Our coffee machine has been broken for a while. " Stanley said

"So should we put that after the partical accelerator?" Holly said.

Michael laughed.

MICHAEL

"She's so..great. I hope she finds someone."

~~~~~~~  
Pam was running around in the hallways looking for the Dwight's ninja stars when she bumped into Katy.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry." Pam said, dusting herself off.

"Your good it was my fault, "Katy said, smiling.

"Well, right this way." She said, leading her towards the office.

"Um...that one girl who jumped me isn't here today is she?"

"Well...I mean she is but Ryan is distracting her " katy scrunched up her face in disgust. "Also Jim is gonna be here to make sure nothing bad happens."

"Who's Jim?"

Pam opened the door for her. And she walked in.

"Hang on I'll get him." She ran into the conference room. Jim was playing with a pencil.

"Jim! She's here!" Pam said.

Jim stood up and ran out.

"Hey so sorr...." He paused when he saw her, face going a slight shade of pink.

Pam looked between them slightly disgusted.

Katy smiled, slightly mocking but mostly geniune. "Are you the bodyguard?"

Pam nudged him. "Earth to halpert." She whispered, slightly annoyed.

"Uh yeah. That's me. But I'm only here to guard the purses."

She laughed louder than she should have.

Pam winced. "Um, this way Katy."

"Right." Jim said, snapping out of his trance.

Pam showed them both to the conference room.

"Uh, this is where you'll be. If you need anything just call me, I'm on the other side of this wall. Just um, do your thing, and try not to let halpert annoy you too much. "

"Oh it's cool I kind of like him." She said.

Pam laughed, assuming her to be joking. She walked out and Katy gave the camera a confused look .

Katy turned to Jim with a grin.

"Why does she hate you so much?"

Jim laughed. "It's ... complicated."

She laughed. "Maybe you could tell me about it over drinks sometime."

Jim grinned. "I'll see when I'm available. Andddd it turns out, I'm always looking for an excuse not to talk to these idiots."

She laughed.  
~~~~~  
Erin ran up to Michael and Holly , who were laughing about something in the kitchen.

"Okay guys, I did the math-well Oscar did- but he says we have about 1200 dollars left to spend."

"Well that's perfect. That's how much we need !" Holly said.

"Awesome! We're getting an inflatable snowman!"

"N...no Michael we decided on coffee machine."

Michael pouted. "Please?"  
Holly grinned. "Tell you what, if you behave I'll get you a treat."

Erin scowled in disgust.  
Holly bitchfaced her.

"I mean...I meant like a cookie or something."  
"Oh pshh yeah I knew that." Michael said.

Erin bitchfaced the camera.

~~~  
Pam was in her office when Erin barged in.

"Pam?"

Pam got startled, almost knocking over her stuff as Erin sat down.

"What is it?"

"Well, Michael and Holly asked me to tell you that they're thinking of doing a coffee machine. And they're out right now shopping for one and they know you'll pay them back."

"Thats....okay?"

"Also do you want me to be mean to Katy to get her to back down?"  
  


ERIN

"In the foster system you had to fight people for everything. Food, clothes, parents..."  
  


Pam whipped around. "What? No she's fine, why would you be mean to her?"

"Um, because she's probably gonna sleep with Jim."

"That's ...everyone sleeps with jim why would I care."

"Well because ...."

Pam looked Erin in the eyes for a few seconds and burst out laughing.

"Oh my god, Erin do you think? Me and halpert? Me and gumpy with hair?"

Erin nodded shyly.

"N...no. Never, at all. Never. God...ugh."

"Pam I caught you staring at his butt one time!" Erin blurted out to a beweildered Pam."Sorry I just don't like being laughed at."

"Erin that's.." Pam laughed again. "No that's not... I'm sorry I laughed at you but...whether or not what your saying is true..."

"It is we all saw."

"Regardless! There's...a big difference between thinking someone has a nice ass, and actually wanting to sleep with or date them."

"So you think he has a nice butt?"

Pam flushed. "No...that's not..."

"I mean you just said so though." Erin said innocently.

"Is there another reason you came in here?"

"N...no..that's all." Erin said. She ran out.

Pam looked at the camera confused.

~~~~~  
"And she's just acting like she doesn't care!" Erin told darryl while ranting.

He was eating a sandwich, not really paying attention.

"I tried to tell Andy but he says I'm just ..." She did her best imitation of him. "Like...totally obssessed' what?! I am not obssessed! Ugh and then there's Michael and Holly-"

"No kidding." Darrly said, amused as she continued to ramble.  
  


DARRYL

"Yeah she just comes here sometimes to ramble. I need a distraction, she needs someone to vent to, it all works out. Between you and me, I think she's only obssessed with everyone else's relationship problems so she can avoid her own. But whatever. I'm not a therapist. Everyone seems to think i am though, Roy used to do this to me with Pam too. And not even just about Pam, about everything." Darryl got a sad look in his eyes. "He always told the funniest stories..."  
  


~~~  
Michael and Holly were walking around Walmart.

Michael smiled and took the cart. "Look what I can do." He said. "Get in the cart."

Holly looked at him funny, but shrugged at the camera and did as she was told. He started running with the cart and jumped on it.

Holly and Michael screamed equal parts joy and equal parts fear.  
  


HOLLY

"Yeah we got kicked out and had to go to another store. Totally worth it though."

~~~  
After Andy got out of the bathroom and walked away, he heard something weird. He walked backwards. . He pressed his head up against the door of the closet and instantly pulled away, gagging.

He ran into the main office and said really loudly. "Um guys, I think big tuna is going to pound town on that hot purse seller."

Meredith spit out her water and like 3 different people said , "What?!"  
"Niceee." Kevin said. Angela hit him.  
  


ANGELA

"imagine having sex in the workplace. So unprofessional."  
  


"Ugh are you sure?" Phyllis said.

"I think I know what sex sounds like." Andy said.

Dwight looked at the camera and shook his head no.

"Guys, guys, lets not assume." Oscar said, standing up. "I mean Jim might be a huge slut but would he really-" Oscar walked into the kitchen. He ran out and gagged.

"Oh yep....mmmhmmm yep. They definitely are."

Everyone started talking at once.

"Oh my god no one tell pam! Or anyone else that would tell her." Erin said.

Kelly walked out of the kitchen. "Um, I sensed a disturbance, like there was some gossip I wasn't being involved in."

KELLY

"It's like my 6th Sense."  
  


"Jim halpert is screwing that purse girl." Stanley said, causing everyone to gag and yell.

"Oh my god!" Kelly ran away. "Ryan!" She dragged him outside.

"What is it gosh!"

"Jim's being a slut." Meredith said.

"I don't see what the problem is." Creed said.  
  


CREED

"Back in my day, we would all have sex in the open, sometimes all together. It wasn't uncommon to happen in the workplace, usually encouraged."  
  


Just then, holly and michael and holly got back from the store holding a box covered in a white sheet.

"Guess who has news!"

"Our news is more interesting." Dwight said with a laugh.

"Oh I doubt it!" Holly said with enthusiasm.  
"Check it out. "

At the same time they pulled it off. "It's our incentive prize! A coffee machine!"

"Jim's banging the purse girl!" Kelly said.

"What?!" Holly said, dropping the box. It nearly landed on Michael. "Does Pam know?!"

"No, and we're not going to tell her!" Erin said.

"Um yess we are, this is against the rules." Holly said.

Everyone groaned. Even Michael looked at her awkwardly. "I think that would be a little hypocritical."

"How so?"

"Well your telling me you've never...?"

"No of course not." Holly said.Everyone else looked down awkwardly. "Wait have you all....?"

Everyone mumbled incoherently.

Holly groaned and rubbed her forehead. "Well, at the very least I'm telling Pam about what's happening right now." Holly was about to open her door.

"At least wait untill they're finished!" Erin said .

Everyone gagged. Holly looked at the camera in distress before walking in.

HOLLY

"Yeah, I *_was_* the hall monitor in high school. Why do you ask?"

~~~  
Pam heard a knock on her door.

"Come in!" She said.

Holly walked in. "Hey Pam."

"Hello ms.flax. To what do I owe the honor?"

"Well Pam, you know in life...there are certain things...that happen...where, you know we arent gonna be happy with ...whats happening... And things that could be happening, at this very moment. Or..reaching the end probably-"

Pam reached out and grabbed Holly's hand. "I completely understand what your saying to me right now."

"You do?"

"Yes...and I want you to know that just because you might seem like it could be fun, doesn't mean you should join them."

"Um...excuse me...?"

"I mean look, obviously I understand, I've been there. Ive done it before."

"I...."

"Look , I can come and talk to them if that would make you feel better-"

"Pam I'm so confused what are you talking about!"

"Michael and Erin pressuring you to prank Dwight with them...is that not what your talking about ?"

Holly blushed at the camera. "Um...no it's.. you know what, it's not important." She got up to leave.

"Oh...okay." pam said, going back to her work.

Holly walked out. She ran back in and said. "Jim is having sex with the purse girl. I mean... they're probably done now...I'm gonna go " she ran away .

"What?!"She ran out of the room and to the closet door.

She banged on it several times. When no one answered she covered her eyes and opened the door and was met with screams.

"BOTH OF YOU. My office! NOW!"

~~~~  
Jim and Katy sat across from Pam, who stood in front of them with her arms crossed. Jim and katy's hair all messed up , avoiding eye contact with each other and her.

"What do you have to say for yourself." She said.

"Um...sorry." Katy said.

Pams voice softened. "Oh don't worry Katy this isnt about you. Actually you can go now if you want." Pam offered.

Katy awkwardly smiled and ran out.

"...she just left all the purses here." Jim mumbled.

"Jim! " Pam said. "What the hell!"

"Look I just wanna say, I don't think we should be slutshaming in the year -"

"Jim you can't have sex in my workspace! "

Jim awkwardly ran his hand through his hair. "That's not..."

"Oh I'm sorry, did I make *_you_* uncomfortable? Well how do you think I feel right now. How do you think everyone else feels?!"

Jim tried for an awkward laugh. "Come on Pam. Everyone in this office is always doing it anyways. Your telling me you've never-"

"NO! Because IM THE BOSS. And so are YOU! And they weren't sent here specifically to keep another potential situation where someone could sue the company from happening!"

Jim stood up. "Well Pam I'm a little embarrassed we were caught but I don't think it's as a big of a deal as your making it."

Pam scowled.

PAM

Pam facepalmed. "Can Jim just for once not go around being the scranton whore."

JIM

"She called me the *_what_*?"

"THIS IS....so...like you!" She said. "Your always acting irrationally!"

"Its not my fault I follow my impulses and you've repressed yourself so much you have a mental breakdown twice a day!"

"That's because it's my job Jim! And it should be yours too! But you don't care about anything! This is what you do Jim! You act like your better than everyone! Your not! How much trouble do you think I'd be in if David found out that you had sex with the girl you were sent here to keep safe from getting jumped by the girlfriend of a guy that hit on her!"

"Its not like *_I_* jumped her! *_She_* kissed me!"

Pam laughed bitterly. "And of course that meant you had to sleep with her." She started to mock him. " 'Oh look at me I'm Jim. I sleep with anyone that laughs at my stupid jokes'"

"I don't sound like that!"

The whole office could hear because of how loud they were shouting. They all looked at each other.

"Well this is awkward." Michael said. Erin facepalmed.

"God! Can you for ONCE not just go around doing things just 'cause you *_ feel_* like it because of your precious emo feelings!" Pam said.

"Its not my fault I'm not scared to go after what I want."

"Oh we know your not scared Jim! You do whatever you want no matter the consequences! Just like with today! Just like with me and ROY!"

At that Jim reeled back. Everyone else in the office's eyes grew big. Their mouths gaping open.

Jim and Pam stared at each other for a tense moment. Jim's eyes flickered to her lips for a second, then back up to her eyes.

Pam turned away. "Get out."

He walked out, getting several angry glares.

Pam sat down in her seat and put her head down.

Everyone in the office looked at each other. Michael too.

"Pam?" Michael said. "Are you... alright?"

Pam wiped away a tear. "Yeah."

Dwight got a look of determination in his eyes. He ran out of the office to chase down jm.

He caught up to him right before he was about to get in his car and swung a punch. Jim missed.

"Dwight what the hell!?" He said.

"I'm defending Pam's honor!"

Jim groaned. "Dwight it's not like I -"

"Look idiot! You hurt her. Just go apologise!"

"Do you really think she'd accept that?" Jim said with a bitter laugh.

"No, but it's better than just doing what you do and running away like a coward. Just like with Karen. Just like at Stamford. Just like here."

Jim grimaced and looked down at his car, avoiding eye contact.

Dwight walked away.

"Thanks." Jim mumbled.

Dwight smiled at that when he knew Jim couldn't see.

~~  
Later, after everyone had packed up and was going to leave, Pam walked outside to the parking lot.

"Hey-"

"Ahh!" Pam screamed. She turned around to see Jim.

"We're you just, waiting for me?"

"...well yeah but not in a weird way."

"Everything you do it weird." Pam said, with slight humor.

Jim grinned at it.

He walked her to her car. "So is their a reason your stalking me?"

"I just , wanted to say sorry."

Pam laughed. "It's, it's fine Jim. I overreacted. I've just been having a really bad day and...I took it out on you. It wasn't fair. I'm sorry." She opened the trunk of the car and put in her things.

"No Pam God, don't , apologize, I shouldn't have..."

"Slept with her? "They both laughed awkwardly." God I just hope she doesn't sue."

"Oh she won't. Actually we're going out for drinks right now."

Pam's smile faltered an unnoticeable amount, but it did. "Oh...great "

"Yeah." Jim said awkwardly.

"Well, you...have fun." Pam said, getting into the front of the car and shutting the door. She started the car. Jim knocked on the window and she rolled it down.

"Um, Pam...is there...do we have to talk about...I mean ....about...Roy..?" Jim wasn't sure what he was asking.

Pam forced a laugh. "Jim, no...stop. It was a cheap shot of me. Seriously, it's all in the past."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Now you better hurry off to your date so you can bang in the restaurant bathroom."

They both laughed awkwardly as Pam drove away.

Pam took a deep breath.

She put on some music and then turned it off. "Andy was right, all my music is depressing."

Pam noticed her phone made a noise. She checked it at a stop sign.

It was a text from Michael.

HAVE A GOODNIGHT PAM ♥️

Pam smiled.

She wouldn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was difficult to write while keeping in character. In this universe Jim and Pam are more extroverted and open with their feelings so it makes sense they'd fight easily.


	5. it's (not) the dundies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh holly, you are like abeautiful beautiful jedi and I am like Yoda, teaching you the finer things in life. A drink is never done when you think it is. All the ice cubes melt and it is now second drink." Michael said.
> 
> "Second drink?" Holly said, then did an impression voice. "Teach me your ways master yoda."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dundies is the episode that got me to love the show so i hope I did it justice. Also Jim is less of a dick in this chapter and Michael and Holly own my heart.

PAM

"Today is the annual awards day at Dunder Mifflin. We do it every year. Everyone really looks forward too it. Completely my idea. Okay fine it was Michael's but he wanted to call it something weird."

MICHAEL

"It was supposed to be called the dundies."

PAM

"Anyways ...it's kind of.. necessary around the office. I mean, not to be mean but who's gonna give Ryan an award? These people are.... desperately in need of positive re-enforcement."

Michael walked up to Holly. "So, you ready for the awards ceremony?"

Holly winced.

HOLLY

"Yeah, you know those like, participation awards you'd get when you were a kid? Like, congratulations on coloring correctly or best hair? And you don't really care but you except it and all your friends are bragging about it and your like I don't care? That's basically what this is. Michael seems to love it though. "

~~~

Erin was sitting in the conference room, staring at the screen watching past recordings of the old awards.

Erin grinned at the camera.

ERIN

"The Dundies are amazing! Every year I win something. Like um...well I don't remember. Oh here it is!"

_It showed on the screen. Everyone looked younger. Pam had her hair pulled back like she used to. Jim was standing in the corner checking his watch. Erin was sitting across from Darryl, and next to them was an empty seat. At the table next to her was Andy. Erin had straight hair and braces. Everyone looked bored and confused._

_"And the award for hottest in the office goes to ERIN HANNON!"_

_In the video everyone looked around concerned but Erin accepted the award with joy._

Present day Erin awkwardly bit her lip and looked down.

ERIN

"Okay...well...that a weird year. Pam was super drunk for reasons..."

The video kept playing.

"What are we watching?" Andy said, tapping at the door.

Erin grinned. "The Dundies!"

"What?"

"Oh I forgot only me and Michael call it that. Pam's making me watch the old awards shows."

"Niceeee." Andy said, sitting down next to her.

_In the video, Dwight handed Pam another award. She giggled into the camera. Jim made his weird classic Jim face into the camera._

_It cut to a talking head of him._

_JIM_

_"I think Pam's been sneaking drinks off of other people's tables. I guess it has something to do with Roy leaving early." He said with a smug grin._

Present day Erin and Andy gagged.

ANDY

"Big tuna is the worst."

Meredith knocked on the door. "Oh sweet what are we watching?"

"The awards show from like....I dunno , many years ago?" Andy said.

"The year I had adult braces." Erin said.

"Oh my god is that the one where Pam got blackout drunk?"

Erin nodded glumly.

"Sweet." Meredith said, sitting down.

_In the video Pam grabbed a drink off of someone's plate as they walked by. "I would just like to say." She spit it out . "Oh that's disgusting. Who orders a drink like that at Chili's? Anyways...I would just like to say-" she nearly fell over and Michael ran up to catch her._

_"Pam um ...." He said softly. "You wanna take a break?"_

_She nodded. "If you give me your second drink." She giggled._

_"Its all yours." He said with confusion. "Do you need help getting dow-"_

_"I got her." Jim said, holding her up by the shoulders. "Come on Pam, let's get you to a table."_

"Anyone else getting date-rape vibes?" Present-day Meredith said.Everyone cringed in agreement.

_The camera in the video followed her to an empty table where she and Jim sat down._

_Michael awkwardly took a look around and grabbed the next award. "The next award is called the celebrities award and it goes to Kelly for that time she spent 30 minutes talking to Erin about the Kardashians!" Kelly smiled and everyone clapped as she went up to accept the award._

_Kelly got a talking head in the video._

_KELLY_

_"I would have gone on for longer but Erin suddenly had a family emergency."_

Present day Erin shook her head no at the camera.

_In the video, it cut to Pam and Jim laughing together about something. Jim looked a little buzzed too._

Present day -Andy looked at the camera in shock.

"Um,...you guys don't think they...?"

Everyone gagged .

_They turned back to the video and drunk Pam tried to stand up but she fell over._

_Jim caught her. Pam stared at him. She walked away._

_Michael said, "And the final award goes to-"_

_Pam walked up and grabbed the mike. "To Andy! For.... best shoes??? " Pam laughed extremely hard. "I was so tempted to say longest engagement." She nearly fell over laughing as Michael clamped a hand over her mouth. He looked at the suspicious chili workers ._

_Andy and Angela looked at each other embarrassed._

_"She's not drunk she's just....deranged." Michael offered._

_Everyone else covered for Pam by nodding in agreement._

_"She tried to fly the other day." Kevin lied._

_Jim walked up to the camera and told them to turn it off._

The video ended.

Everyone looked at each other awkwardly.

"Well that was awkward." Andy said.

Erin facepalmed.

MEREDITH

"Now I remember why everyone refused to show it to her. That girl is a messs."

ERIN

"The other ones are much more fun I swear. Roy...isn't around anymore and we make sure to keep Pam away from all alcoholic beverages. "

Andy stood up and said, "I swear to God if big tuna banged my mo-*manager*. My *manager* Pam I'll kill him. I'm serious. Or at the very least I can punch a hole in his office wall. But he'd definitely know it was me..."

"Andy! " Angela said. "We can all hear you! Indoor voice!"

ANGELA

"Sometimes he does this to my cats too. They all wake up and start crying."

Pam flushed in embarrassment from her office.

PAM

"No he did not 'bang me'. I would rather bang Meredith. Not....okay I should really stop saying that. Don't take that out of context I have no desire to have intercourse with Meredith."

MEREDITH

"She said what? I mean, I'm down. If only just for a raise or something...."

~~~  
Angela and Ryan and Kelly were by the bathroom laughing.

Michael walked up to them.  
"What's so funny?" He asked awkwardly, wanting to be included.

"Someone wrote on the kitchen wall." Ryan said, laughing.

Michael got a determined look and ran into the kitchen.

Michael gasped.

MICHAEL

"Yeah, I don't wanna repeat what it was, but it was about Pam. And whoever wrote it.....well theyre in deep....water."

~~~

Pam was in her office reading through paper work when she got a call.

She answered it.

"Hello?"

"Pam Beasley." Jim said, dragging out the b.

Pam sighed. "Hello Jim. Why is his highness calling me?" She said sarcastically.

"Well, just wanted to say I am ...really looking forward to the awards show."

Pam bitchfaced the camera. "You know, it's like, two hours away you don't have to drive all the way out here."

"Oh I wouldn't miss it for the world. " Jim said. Pam could practically hear his smug smile. "I'll work on the way there and sleep in the car if I have too."

"Great." Pam said bitterly. "Anything else?"

"Well nothing really, but I wanna say I'm impressed Pam. I mean, paying for this whole party out of your own pocket, it's impressive."

Pam suddenly started paying attention. "What?!"

"...what?"

"I thought corporate was paying for it!"

"Well...no. I mean you already had that tsunami 'fun raiser'.

"Yeah um but that wasn't my fault because that was a typo and Michael kind of just ran with it-"

"Pam look we just can't-"

"Jim come on, I mean....for old times sake?" She tried unconvincingly.

The line went dead.

Pam let her head fall against the table.

~~~

Michael stood in front of everyone. "I just wanted to say , I think your all TERRIBLE." His voice cracked a little as he teared up. "You know....Pam works hard every year. And you guys come in here...with your DRAWINGS and offensive words-"

"Michael what on Earth are you talking about?" Phyllis said.

"Someone has vandalized the kitchen with a very graphic, horrible, weirdly proportionally accurate but incredibly hateful drawing of Pam!"

"That's terrible!" Holly said.

Dwight stood up serious. " This is unacceptable! If you all will behave like children than we will not allow you to use the kitchen. The kitchen is now banned!"

"So because of one jerk now we can't use the kitchen?" Erin said.

"Correct!" Dwight said.

"Dwight you have no authority to do that." Stanley said.

Pam walked out of the office looking like she had just had a new mental breakdown. "What on Earth is everyone shouting about?"

"Pam Dwight just banned us from the kitchen." Andy said.

"Well obviously that's ridiculous so I don't have time for it. Anyone else have something to get off their chests that means nothing to me? No? Great. I have some important news about the awards show."

"Do we not have to do it this year?" Stanley said.

Pam bitchfaced him, "You know I'm dissapointed in you guys. This awards show is about-"

"Pam we know you can't afford it." Stanley said.

Pam frowned. "Um , as a matter of fact, I can."

"Mmmmhhh mmmmm. Then what was the big announcement?"

Pam's brows furrowed. "That's......"

Everyone waited with anticipation.

"Your all allowed to bring your families!" Pam said in a panic.

Stanley and Phyllis smiled in approval.

"Get ready for the best Dundies of your life." Pam said with forced confidence.

~~~at Chili's

"Welcome to the annual 11th awards ceremony!" Erin said into the mike in front of Dwight who was running the sound equipment. "Before we start , a few announcements, as we have to say every year now for legal reasons , there is only one drink allowed per table, and no drinks for the host..."

Jim walked in as Erin was making the announcements, wearing a black suit.

Kevin and Darryl and Meredith and the others grinned and got up to say hello. He did a douchebag handshake with darryl and hugged Kevin.

JIM

"Do I enjoyyy babysitting Pam and her office at this ridiculous awards show every year since the uh.... incident? I don't know, would anyone enjoyyy seeing all of these *lovely* people get made fun of? You tell me." Jim said with a smug grin. "Shame they banned her from drinking because that was..so great." He said with a much more geniune grin, then coughed it off.

Pam was behind the thing rehearsing. She had on makeup and her hair was done. Kelly was fixing up her microphone.

PAM

"Am I nervous? Did I overdue it? Maybe. But I can tell you one thing....this was definitely a lot better when we were allowed to drink." The microphone made a weird noise. Kelly quickly fixed it. "Thank you so much Kelly. You can go back to your seat now." Kelly ran off.

Holly was sitting by Michael, Astrid, and Jan at a family table. The very definition of a third wheel. Jan was carrying astrid in one of those like, portable baby carrying things (holly doesn't know a lot about babies) and Jan was somehow even more overdressed than Pam.

Holly winced at the camera.

HOLLY

"I was gonna sit alone, but Michael insisted. Astrid seems happy to see me too. But um...that makes Jan much less happy to see me."

Ryan and Kelly were sitting together. Creed, meredith, and Angela and Kevin were sitting together too. Darryl and the warehouse guys sat at one table of their own. Stanley and his wife had a table to themselves. Jim sat at a table alone.

"...and finally, Chili's is not responsible for anything offensive, rude, or violent that we, and we take full responsibility for any liabilities we cause anyone." The lights dimmed. "Now get ready!" People quieted down."Introducing our hosttttt."

Dwight made a drumroll sound effect as Pam ran out onto the stage, her hair flowing in a black dress.

"PAM BEASLEY!" Erin gave her the mike and Pam bowed as everyone cheered. Erin ran off the stage to go sit by Andy and Kelly and Ryan.

"Good morning Americaaa." Pam tried. It earned her some pity laughs. Jim looked into the camera with a mocking but geniune smile. "Boy, they say you shouldn't drink and drive, because then you might spill your drink. " Only Kevin laughed. "But seriously don't drink and drive it's very bad." Pam said with less confidence. "Anyways...that reminds me of something Oscar once did..."

Oscar

"You know, these things are kind of like when your mom shows everyone your baby photos or tells an embarrassing story, and you can't say no because she's your mom. And this case also your boss."

"...and so...the award for weirdest drunk, goes to Oscar !"

Everyone laughed and Oscar ran up to get the award, accepting a hug from Pam.

Kevin said to the waiter. "Um just put it on the group tab."

"Um , actually no group tabs." Pam said.

Stanley looked up mad. "You said we could bring our families."

Pam smiled. "And i see you did. Hello Cynthia how lovely to see you again."

"Um, my name is Teri." The woman said.

Jim's eyes widened at the camera and holly and michael laughed queitly to each other, Jan kicked Michael under the table.

Pam blushed. "I mean, Teri of course. I meet...so many people I can't remember. I mean who's cynthia? She's...not a person. Um.."

Dwight made a sound effect. "Waaa-waaa"

"Dwight!" Pam whispered in annoyance. "But...you know that reminds me...speaking of relationshipss..."

RYAN

"It's not that Pam is shy...she just...doesn't have a very good stage presence. She's not built for the spot light she craves..."

"...and then he says...no, it's because ...you love your mom."

There was dead silence.

"Wait no I told it backwards....um..." Pam pulled out a bunch of cards and flipped through them. "It's supposed to be...your mom is in loves with her not you..."

Jim laughed as loud as possible, whether in pity for Pam or because it was actually funny, Pam couldn't tell. But she had a feeling it was the former because she didnt even finish the joke.

Everyone else started laughing too. Pam grinned and put her cards away.

"But real talk guys.." she told an actual funny joke and Michael started laughing really loudly. Holly too. Jan looked between them. "You know, not to be rude to pam, but this blows. We should go home. Come on honey." She said to Michael.

Michael mouthed sorry to holly as he left.

Holly looked off into space sadly.

"You staying?" Erin said to her from the table next to her.

Holly nodded, snapping out of it. "Yeah I mean, gotta eat somewhere."

"- and so the award for busiest beaver goes to Erin Hannon!"

Erin went up to get the award as everyone clapped.

"Um...Pam this says..."

"I know Im so sorry it was a typo " Pam patted her in solidarity as she went back to her seat.

~~~

"This is my second family Jan!"

"I'm your first family Michael! !"

"Why didn't you ask my opinion! I'm staying here!" He ran off.

"Michael!"

~~

"Heyy." Michael said, sitting back down next to holly.

Holly's face lit up. "Hi. I um, thought you left-"

"No uh, Jan's not the boss of me. I mean I wanna stay, this is where the magic is..." Michael gestured to Pam.

Pam was doing her Jim impression.

"Uhhh guys...this is like...totally unprofessional...Pam this is a workplace! Waahhh my feelings. Dwight! Stop it!" Jim accepted it with grace and everyone laughed.

"She nailed you!." Kevin said.

"Yeah she did." Jim said with a grin.

Michael laughed way louder than he had too. "Um, can I get a drink?" Michael said to a passing waiter. He grabbed the whole thing and started drinking. Holly looked at him amused and slightly concerned.

"This next award is very special." Pam said as sexy music began to play. "It goes to somebody that really lights up the office. It's somebody who I think all of us can't keep from checking out. The hottest/most stylish in the office... goes to... miss Kelly Kapoor!"

Michael gasped and started laughing uncontrollably.

Kelly looked confused but ultimately flattered. Everyone cheered as she accepted her award. Pam and everyone laughed. Kelly ran back to her seat and made out with Ryan.

KELLY

"Am I suprised that Pam is now gay for me? Sadly no. I mean I did kiss a girl once. I didn't like it at all but I liked the attention it gave me so who knows."

"And the award for most likely to survive a zombie apolocaplyse goes to Dwight K. Schrute!"

Michael burst out laughing, and sipped his drink through a straw eagerly.

Holly was enjoying it all the way. "I think that drink is done Michael."

"Oh holly, you are like abeautiful beautiful jedi and I am like Yoda, teaching you the finer things in life. A drink is never done when you think it is. All the ice cubes melt and it is now second drink."

"Second drink?" Holly said, then did an impression voice. "Teach me your ways master yoda."

Michael laughed and smiled at her like he was looking at the meaning to life itself.

Dwight held back tears as he hugged Pam, who grinned and hugged him back.

Jim looked into the camera.

JIM

"You know Dwight once told me If there ever was a zombie apolocaplyse my best bet would be to follow Pam around like i do anyways. Which...I mean...he's not wrong." Jim said with a contemplative smile.

"This next award is goes out to Andy , and it is..."

Erin and Angela looked at andy in distress.

"The best accapella in the workspace award!"

Andy accepted with a huge grin . "Um, id like to thank my vocal cords-"

Michael burst out laughing. He grabbed the drinks off of Stanley's plate and drank both of them.

"And the award, for best chili, goes to Kevin Malone!"

Kevin ran up and accepted it. "I'd like to thank my chili, in this Chili's..."

Michael laughed and almost fell over. Holly steadied him by grabbing his shoulder. "Easy there drunk." She said with a smile.

"Now this next award goes out to Stanley Hudson, for all his fine work!"

Stanley accepted it.

"Well, last year i got great work so I don't know what to think about this."

Michael fell out of his chair laughing. Holly picked him up. "God what i would I do without you."

"You'd be on the floor." Holly said. They smiled softly at each other. Too softly. Michael's eyes flicked to her lips for a brief second and she doesn't know what to say, doesn't know-

"And this next award goes out to Michael Scott, for the cutest daughter!"

Michael started laughing good naturedly and ran up to Pam. He hugged her tight and took the award. "There is so many people to thank for this award. Mainly Jan...because you know it takes two to tango."

Holly bit her lip and looked down.

"And Astrid, for, just being perfect. I mean she can't talk because she's a baby but if she could she'd say 'michael , I wuv you and I'm a baby'." Michael started giggling uncontrollably and Holly couldn't hold back the contagious laughter it caused. "Um, I'd like to thank Pam Beasley, for emceeing tonight because this is a lot harder than it looks."Everyone clapped. " Also I'd like to thank Holly Flax, for keeping me from falling out of the booth , in the metaphorical and literal sense , and teaching Astrid how to laugh on command." Holly exxagerated a bow when everyone clapped and she smiled softly at Michael. "But mostly Astrid, because although she came from the fruits of me and jan-" holly looked into the camera quizzically-" she has already blossomed into the perfect flower." Michael bowed and everyone clapped. "Also God." He said seriously. "I feel God in this chilli's tonight."

Holly smiled slightly confused, unsure if he was joking.

Michael wrapped pam into another bear hug, kissing her on the head.

He ran at Holly and grabbed her into a hug, kissing her on the mouth a few seconds longer than plausible deniability can account for and holly shrugged out of it. Michael was too drunk to pay it any mind and sat down still on top of the world.

Holly bit her lip and looked off at the camera for a second.

HOLLY

"You know, Michael *really* loves his daughter."

ERIN AND ANDY

"What a great year for the dundies." Andy said. "We learned Pam's true feelings for Kelly. Big tuna didn't make everything about him..."

"Michael and Holly kissed for like two seconds." Erin said. "Those idiots just need to get together."

"I know right." Andy said. Him and Erin briefly looked at each other's mouths before Michael ran up to them.

"It's the busiest beaver and the best accapella singer!" He hugged them both so hard they all fell over.

~~~

PAM

"Was this year's awards show a success? Well let's see. Michael laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair, and he was so overjoyed he nearly broke Erin and Andys' necks...so yeah I think I killed." Ryan groaned at the attempt at comedy.

~~~~~

CHILI'S WORKER

"Every year these people come in and trash the place. We would ban them permanently but someone is paying us...a lot of money to keep letting them come."

~~~~~~~  
"Great work today." Jim told Pam on the way out.

Pam looked at him and smiled quizzically. "What no backhanded insult? No this awards show is stupid and a waste of money?"

"You said it not me." He said with a grin.

She smiled back if only for a moment.

JIM

"Me, spending money to let Pam keep hosting here?...No." he said with a telling grin that suggested otherwise. "As if I'd ever help any of these people..."

~~~

"I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall." Angela said to dwight on the outside bench.

"I know." He said quietly. "There's a heart burried under there."

"Don't be silly." She said with a smile, kissing him a second before she pulled away. "Not in public." She said, standing up and walking away.

~~~

Holly drove a drunk Michael home, they said nothing really, for Michael was really tired.

When they got there holly parked the car.

"We're here." She said, walking him to the door. "Let's make sure you don't fall over you lousy drunk."

"I've never been this sober in my life." Michael said, facing the wrong direction and almost falling.

Holly spun him back around. "Careful careful, almost there." She said.

Michael stopped walking." Can I ask you a question?"

The air was thick with a million words unsaid as they looked at each other.

"Michael?!" Said a voice, it was Jan waiting outside, holding Astrid.

Michael looked at the camera then looked down ashamed.  
"Thanks. I can take it from here."

Holly watched him walk away.

"Not really a question." She said sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Michael was almost as fun as drunk Pam.


	6. The Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one deviates from the show a little, but its all according to plan.

Holly was standing by the receptionist desk talking to Erin when the phone rang. Erin answered it. "Dunder Mifflin this is Erin? Can I ask who's calling? Oh hi ! Yeah I'll transfer you."

"You've reached Mr.Scott. " Michael smiled. "Oh hello. Why wasn't I answering? Uh, my phone died. " Jan said something and Michael laughed. "That's awesome."

Holly bit her lip and Erin looked at her concerned.

  
HOLLY

"Jan usually doesn't call unless it's an emergency or something to do with Astrid. But....I guess maybe they've worked on some of their problems ? That's ..so great." holly said this with a bitter smile.

  
ERIN

"If Jan is calling, and Michael's laughing, then that can only mean one thing.........Jan is on drugs."

  
JAN(outside by her car.)

"N....no I'm not on drugs."

~~~

Erin knocked on Pam's door.

"Pam?"

"Come in!"

Erin came in and sat down.

"What can I do for you miss hannon?"

"Well, it's kind of weird, but as you know, I've been a receptionist since high school basically. I'm like, really good at it. So good that it's...kind of sad. And I see you and your so cool and like, always doing things. I wanna be like that."

"I don't understand..."

"I've decided I'm going to go to business school to become a manager like you. And I was wondering...if you could walk me through some stuff. Teach me the basics?"

Pam looked at her for a few seconds, then smiled widely. "Of course."

Pam pulled out a couple books from her desk. She opened one of them. " There are ten basic rules of business. Rule number one, you have to win to play, and play to win."

  
~~~  
Andy's usually paying attention to what Erin does, not in a weird way. They're friends, friends pay attention to each other. Andy noticed Erin had been talking to Pam for a while. He rolled his chair over to listen in, earning a judgemental glance from Phyllis. Andy couldn't make it out but he got some of it.

"...I just don't know what the office would do without me." Erin said.

"Oh we'd be fine Erin don't worry. But um, maybe we should get back to work? We've been talking for a while. We can finish up later."

"Oh of course."

Andy heard Erin stand up and rolled his chair back to his seat. He waited for Erin to leave and walked into Pam's office.

"Hey Pam?"

"Hmmm?"

"I was wondering ...what was uh ..Erin asking about? It sounded like.... she's thinking of leaving ?"

"Well ...she's thinking of business school. She's tired of being the receptionist. I mean I get it though. If I was a receptionist again I'd probably kill myself." Pam said with a laugh.

Andy looked into the camera in concern.

  
ANDY

"Apparently Erin's thinking of leaving. That's...well um it's something?" Andy said unhappily.

  
Dwight watched from Erin leave Pam's room and looked into the camera. He motioned for them to meet him in the kitchen.

  
DWIGHT

"Some people think I'm naive and prone to grand flights of delusion (as halpert so kindly put it) but I'm just way more perceptive of everyone else. I know exactly what's going on with someone at any given time. For instance, Erin. She might have everyone fooled with the whole puppies and unicorns act but I know exactly what's going on. She's gunning for my number two spot. She has been for a while. And today she's sealing the deal. One thing i know for sure, I will stop her, if it is the last thing I do."

Everyone did their jobs for a short while. It was about as productive as a normal day. Erin and Michael threw paper airplanes at each other and Dwight complained. Phyllis and Stanley said nothing, Kevin and Oscar said something to piss off Angela, Kelly and Ryan were screwing in the closet, the usual stuff. Just then, the fire alarm rang. Dwight and Angela made everyone leave as orderly as they could. Kelly and Ryan walked out of the closest with their shirts on backwards and their hair all messed up. (Michael and Andy of course ran before everyone.)

Angela met up with Andy and pulled him to the side. Erin listened in while standing next to a very annoyed Ryan.

"You just ran before everyone else! What if I had died!" Angela said, gesturing with her arms. Angela's one of those people who only gets expressive when they're angry.

Andy rubbed the back of his neck. "Look I mean-"

"What happened to woman and children first!?"

"I mean, woman are equal! I was treating you equally! Besides doesn't the bible say the opposite!"

"We are engaged! I should be your first priority! And don't use scripture as your weapon God isn't on anyone side!"

"How can I help you if I'm dead!? " Andy tilted his head in confusion and looked up. "And I thought he was supposed to be on everyone's side?"

"Don't change the subject!"

Erin looked happy for a smug second but her guilt at feeling happy over a couple fighting made her push down the feelings, instead choosing to go and talk to pam. Pam went over some basics of adapting with Erin.

Dwight ran up to them, sweaty and out of breath from doing whatever Dwight-things he was doing. "Pam, Erin needs a number for the count off."

"Okay uh, well one is taken she can have two-"

"NO! " Fog came onto Dwight's glasses when he yelled and for a moment Erin was scared. She looked at Pam and Pam didn't seem to be scared at all, mainly just annoyed.

Andy was standing by his car to get something when heard Dwight shout, and, intrigued, went over to listen in.

Andy walked up to Dwight and pulled him away as Dwight finished saying something about the three stooges.

"Heyyyy buddy, so uh, what's going on with Erin." Andy said. "Do you know?"

"Oh it's bad. It's really bad. "

"So....wait you think she actually will?" Andy had been hoping Erin was just being hypothetical. Not that she was really going...

Dwight huffed. "Oh absolutely. That woman is a shark!"

"I mean...it's Erin though. She doesn't seem like like the type to just-"

"Oh she is. From what I've peaced together the woman is capable of tremendous and evil damage."

*In the background it shows a clip of Erin trying to catch a butterfly with a grin on her face while Pam rambles about business*

Andy looked off, concerned. "Well I dont know about that .....but I know we can't let this happen."

"Of course. Are you saying you'll help me?"

"Oh I will do whatever it takes to stop this."

Dwight and andy shook hands. Holly looked at them concerned . She tapped on michael.

"What do you think that is about?"

Michael looked at them, then sighed. "Every so often, Dwight and andy will team up and combine their idiotness into something even more idiotic. I feel it coming on now. It's like my 6th sense. " Holly laughed. "My 7th sense of course is my incredible talent for filmmaking."

Holly grinned wide. "Of course."

Michael laughed. "So what do we do now."

Holly smiled at him for a second too long, then blushed and coughed loudly.

"Um , attention everyone! I think I'm gonna be setting the agenda for today. Everyone gather up please. Important announcement, very important announcement brought to you by Michael."

Michael looked at her confused, if not also amused. He mouthed "I hate you." She laughed and motioned for him to talk. "The floor is yours Scott." He playfully shoved her.

"Um..." Michael's eyes lit up as he seemingly got an idea. "I think this would be a perfect time for all of us to participate in some really intense, physchologically revealing conversations. We are going to be playing, um...desert island games. Um, top 3 books..."

There was murmer. Michael looked at holly at a loss.

She fumbled for a second then said, "Who would you do!"

Michael and her giggled for a second like children and Kevin sideglanced the camera.

"Love that one. Play it all the time before bed." Michael said. Then Holly blushed and looked down. Michael stuttered. "Not.. I meant just like about celebrities and stuff, not people here,...the next game is... um..."

"Would you rather?" Holly whispered.

"Yess! Thank you! Would you rather is our third game."

As he said this the fire truck pulled up.

"Okay so...three books on a desert island...Andy."

"Um....the Cornell rule book. Beginners guide to accepella. And um...the hangover films."

"Uh...it has to be a book."

"Then I'll print out the script. "

Holly laughed. Michael looked thrilled. "Great! Outside the box thinking. Fantastic. Um.."

"Phyllis your turn." Holly said, amused by the whole thing."

"Um...the da Vinci code."

"Oh um, I'll go next. I would also take the da Vinci code...so I can burn it." Angela said. "And the bible...and -"

Holly and Michael made eye contact and laughed softly to each other.  
~~~~

Dwight walked up to Pam and Erin.

"Is this your car erin?" He tried to open it.

Pam looked at it. "Wow. You have a lot of stuffed animals back here. Is......that a helmet? "

Erin blushed." Well how am I supposed to know when I'm gonna need to play rock throwing or when I'm gonna need to ride a bike?"

Pam looked at her for a slightly confused judgemental second. "Huh." Pam looked back into the car. She saw some business books. "Is that Stanley kelpin? I've read some of these."

"Yeah I've actually started studying already."

"Really? Well...I bet I could help you with that."

"Oh its cool i-"

"No really. Come on I know all there is. Ask me a question."

"Um...why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years?"

Pam looked utterly confused.

  
PAM

"You when I was in high school, I used to have 2 jobs . I worked at McDonald's and American eagle. My uh dad left my mom so money was pretty tight. Also my mom never went back to school.. " Pam coughed and straightened up. "But..you know... I learned more from my two jobs out in the real world than i did from the several books and online business courses I was taking." Pam looked to the side slightly embarrassed.

"Is it more expensive to sign a new customer or keep an existing one?"

"Uh.... "Dwight tried to talk and Pam clammed a hand over his mouth. "Equal?" She guessed.

"Uh...it's ten times more expensive-"

"You know what Erin! You should know that Pam's experience comes from the streets!" Dwight said. Pam facepalmed.

Andy watched out of the corner of his eye.

  
ANDY

"My goal, make Dwight be his obnoxious self to convince Erin that becoming a manager would be a terrible idea. I mean she's definitely going to get bored of Pam anyways but this is ... insurance."

  
"Dwight?!" Pam said. "Enough!"

"Pam had kind of a terrible childhood Erin! A good number two/assistant to the regional manager would know this instead of throwing your privilege in her face, like you just did! She couldn't even go to college!"

Erin burst into tears. "Oh god pam! I'm so sorry!"

Pam slapped Dwight in the face. "Dwight! What the hells gotten into you!" Pam hugged Erin. "It's okay honey. It's not your fault. Besides you had it worse and I honestly didn't have it that bad and we both turned out okay."

  
Dwight bitchfaced the camera

  
DWIGHT  
"Point Erin." He said bitterly.

  
Andy winced.

ANDY

"Geez...I didn't know she was gonna cry. I feel bad. Hopefully the plan works now though...but um...I mean...if Erin's unhappy here then maybe she should go-wait what am I saying. Erin would never be happy away from here. I'm doing this for her...totally." Andy looked off with a guilty expression.

~~~~~~  
"Wow I really thought we'd have more readers." Michael said.

"Why on Earth would you think that?" Holly joked.

"My mistake." Michael said to her, smiling. He turned to ryan. "What about you Ryan? Top five movies?"

"Um....the basics of business. That one will smith movie about aliens...um.."

MICHAEL AND HOLLY

"That will smith movie about the aliens'"? Holly said in a mocking Ryan voice.

Michael did a robot voice. "The basics of business. I'm Ryan. I'm a robot."

They laughed with each other.

~~~~~

PAM

"I didn't go to business school, but you know you else didn't? Michelle Obama. Beyonce. Ellen. They all became famous...so it's not the same at all...."

~~~~~  
"You are so smart. You are so smart." Pam said after Erin told her something in her car. "You should be teaching me." She said, then laughed awkwardly. Erin smiled painfully and put a hand on her knee.

"No you, you should be teaching me." She said softly and with forced sincereness. Pam tilted her head in confusion.

  
ERIN

"I think Pam might be having another episode. When she gets like this it's best to treat her like a wild horse that needs to be tamed. Lots of eye contact, affirming words, and a soft voice. I learned it at a horse camp I snuck into."

  
PAM

"She called me a horse? ....what?"

~~~~~

"Alright holly! Your turn! Top five movies!"

Holly grinned. "Um...star wars."

Michael nodded and made a noise in reverence like she was a pastor speaking the gospel.

"James bond , Charlie and the chocolate factory."

"Definitely in my top five." Michael said.

"Well they're my top three so...suck it." Holly said.

Michael laughed with affection.

"Um, breakfast club, the princess bride-"

"Okay that's all the time for you." Michael said in a mocking voice.

"But I didn't get to say my all time favorite!"

Michael laughed again. "Too slow."

They all heard noises and turned around to see Dwight.

"Hey Dwight! " Michael said. "What's your all time favorite movie?"

They saw Dwight banging his legs against a sign, and run away, and didn't know what to think.

"The crow." Dwight mumbled.

~~~~

"I was...really young when I became manager." Pam said.

"I know." Erin said. "Remember when me, you, dwight, and Jim all used to sit like less than five feet away from each other? The good old days."

Pam laughed, then sighed. "Ugh, jim, if he could see me now. He'd be so happy I've failed."

"Pam! Jim would totally be jealous! He probably is super jealous to be honest."

Pam looked up. "You think so?"

"Yeah. He's always dropping by to undermine you . Also Pam I love you but we are really close and I am very uncomfortable right now.

Pam stared off into space with a smile." I guess your right. He is jealous." She didn't move.

"I'm still really uncomfortable." Erin mumbled.

~~~

"Alright let's move on." Michael said. "The main event. Who would you do."

"Present company excluded?" Kevin said.

"Not necessarily." Michael said.

"Holly." Kevin said. "She is nice and cute."

Holly bit her lip awkwardly. "Thanks Kev."

He smiled unaware of the awkwardness he had caused.

"Pam."  
Oscar said unconvincingly.

"What about you Andy?" Michael said.

"Um...." Andy said. Angela stepped on his foot.  
"I was GONNA SAY YOU!

"Why'd you hesistate!?"

"To breathe Angela! I had to hesistate so I could breathe!"

"Um, moving on, " Holly said. "um-"

The song everybody hurts began playing from Dwight's car.

Michael and Holly walked up to Dwight's car.

They looked at each other confused.

"Dwight what's wrong ?" Michael said.

"It's Erin, she knows what she's doing. "

"Well yeah I mean she does have the ability understand what she's doing I mean she's a human being-" Michael said.

"I mean no one's as nice as her it's obviously a facade." Dwight said.

Holly and Michael looked at each other confused.

"She's cunning that one. Very cunning. She's thought of this whole plan. First it's my job, then my ruin my entire life somehow ." Dwight said.

"You think that **Erin hannon** has devised a master evil plan to steal your job and ruin your life? " Michael said, him and holly were now struggling to hold back laughter.

"Obviously."

Holy forced down her laughs and said, "Dwight what makes you so sure?"

"It's always the nice ones. It's always your best friends that stab you in the back. That's what I learned growing up with a bunch of schrutes. Like mose. He stole constantly from me. My women, my beets-"

"Not the beets!" Michael said clutching onto the car and laughing into his hand. "You know what you should do. Why don't you challenge her to a duel?"

Holly playfully hit him and shushed him. "No Dwight hes kidding please don't beat her up. Ugh the paperwork I'd have to fill out would be a nightmare."

"No no no , I mean it wouldn't be fair I'd destroy her. Also, I admire her for this, really I do it. She'd make a fine schrute. " He turned to them somberly. "Thank you but I need to be alone right now."

He rolled the window back up and played the music louder and Michael and Holly walked away laughing, grinning at each other like they were the only two people on earth.

Darryl walked over. "You mind if I chill over here? The warehouse guys are being dicks."

"Darryl my man, what's up in the lickety squip quiznack?" Michael said.

Holly cringed.

Darryl grinned at the camera.

  
DARRYL

"I taught Michael a bunch of ' black man phrases'."

  
They all walked over to the group of people currently playing desert island games.

"You know the rules of the game." Stanley said.

"Oh game? What game are we playing here?" Erin said, walking over with Pam.

"It's called who would you do?" Holly said.

Pam laughed and Erin tilted her face in confusion.

"Uh, Pam, who would you do?" Michael said.

Pam thought for a moment. "Has to be someone here?"

"You can't pick jim." Kevin said, Michael elbowed him.

Pam bitchfaced him. "I was gonna say that hot guy who's always stealing all our clients."

"Oh yeahhh. No homo but that dude is fine as hell." Andy said. Oscar nodded but stopped himself.

"This is fun." Erin said. "What about you Holly? Who would you do?"

Holly smiled politely. Michael looked away awkwardly. "Um...meredith." She joked. Everyone else laughed. "Yeah I mean, she's got that whole Emma stone thing going on."

"Right back at you sister." Meredith said, winking and making finger guns at her.

"Well I would definitely do Pam." Erin said with a wide innocent grin. She got an uncomfortable silence from everyone. "She's a manager of her own company and she's gonna teach me how to be like her."

Pam laughed. "Well no i don't...*own* the company."

"I thought you were the manager?"

"That's not-"

Pam suddenly got a phone call.

"Hello? Yeah no this is a great time." She said, walking away.

"I wish I had my cell phone...but I left it inside. " Erin said.

Andy ran up to her. "If I got you your cell phone would you be happy enough to stay?"

Erin tilted her head. "Andy what-"

Andy ran inside.

"ANDY!" Erin ran after him into the building.

Pam saw Erin running in. "Oh my god! I turn my back for two seconds-"

"I'm on it!" Dwight said, he went to run after them, but paused before. "If I save them I'll get to remain number two right?"

"DWIGHT?!"

Dwight ran inside.

Pam groaned into her hands. "IDIOTS!"

"What if they die and that's the last thing you said to them?" Kevin said.

"I said it about them." Pam mumbled." I should probably go tell someone about this." She ran to talk to the firefighters."

~~~~~~~  
Andy ran in with only one objective, find Erins phone. He knew what it looked like. He payed attention to everything about her. Not in a creepy way, he just couldn't help it.

"Andy!" He heard her voice. He spun around, barely able to see in the fog.

"Erin! Why'd you follow me it's too dangerous!"

"What did you mean?!"

"What?!"

"What did you mean when you asked if I would stay?!"

Andy hesistated, he fell on the floor.

"I didn't want you too leave!"

"I don't understand why?! It's not like we'd stop being friends!"

"That's not the problem! How could I possibly go another day here without you? If your not here then..." Andy bit his lip.

He saw the murky outline of her shadow in the fog, then her features, starting with her big innocent eyes. "What do you mean?" She said, softly, hesitant.

Andy gulped. "It's nothing."

"*Andy*!"

He reached for her hand as she helped him up. And doesn't that just describe their entire dyamic. He winced in the shoulder, probably a burn.

Erin took off her jacket and wrapped it around him.

He smiled as geniune as anyone ever could. "Your the nicest person I've ever met."

Erin blinked at him, she tried to walk she tripped a little on something before he caught her. She wrapped her arms around him to steady herself. He blinked for a second before kissing her. She hesistated a moment before kissing back. It was a kiss that was too short and felt like eternity for Andy at the same time. Andy grabbed her face, reached for her. Reaching. Even when she was in his hands he would always be reaching for Erin.

"HELLO!"

The sound of Dwight's voice was like being covered in a bucket of cold water and they pulled apart instantly, almost falling.

He showed up and actually splashed them with a bucket of cold water.

He grabbed them both by the waist despite their weak protests. "Follow me!"

Erin and Andy looked at each other for a second, then looked away, blushing.

~~~~~~~

Kevin, Creed, Michael, Stanley, and Ryan stood in a circle.

"Kelly and Erin. Both of them. At the same time." Ryan said.

"I dunno, i like the big one." Creed said.

"Maybe Erin." Stanley said. "But only if she shut up for five seconds."

"Definitely holly." Kevin said. "What about you Michael?"

Michael hesistated. "Pam's cute."

Everyone nodded.

"Oh yeah definitely Pam." Ryan said. "God imagine the three of them-"

"Y- youu know.... I'm ....just gonna go stand over there." Michael said.

"Oh god!" Pam said, frantically walking around in circles.

"Pam-"

"Not now Kevin! F**k! How long does it take to find a f**king charger!" Pam said.

Kevin sideglanced the camera.

Holly walked up to him. "Is she okay? Should I try talking to her?"

"I wouldn't-"

"Hey Pam?"

"What the f*****k do you want ! Andy and Erin and Dwight are probably on f*****king fire right now! not to mention I could loose my job....F*****k me."

Holly backed away with both of her arms in the air as the universal sign for "I came in peace please don't kill me". She looked around awkwardly. She Michael answering his phone. Holly overhead parts of his call.

"Your coming here? .....Great.... Yeah. " Michael laughed.

Holly looked away. She assumed him to be talking to Jan and didn't want to hear anymore of their suddenly happy marriage.

Andy and Erin and Dwight ran out, Dwight holding both of them up.

"I did it! How's that for number two work! I hope your happy Pam because-!"

Pam ran up to him and slapped him, then kissed him on the head. "You stupid stupid man!" She hugged them all. They winced. "My bad." She backed off.

"But anyways." Dwight took his hands off Erin and Andy. "I have an announcement. " He pulled out a pan. "This is all the devious work of Erin! She left her pan on the oven instead of timing it for the toaster!"

Erin cringed and slowly sunk to the ground. "I am so so so so so so so sorry-"

Dwight started to sing "Erin started the fire " when Pam glared at him and stepped on his foot.

"Erin its fine it was an accident."

"Yeah Erin I do stupid things all the time." Andy said.

Erin looked at him and smiled, then they both flushed and looked away.

Angela ran up to Andy and smacked him. "What the heck Andy! What if you had burnt off your genitals! How would we be able to have kids? "

Andy groaned. "Angela, that's all your worried about!?"

"No you idiot!" She hugged him tightly for like half a second and he was so confused he couldn't react.

Erin looked away, mixed with a bunch of different emotions she couldn't deal with.

  
ERIN

"Did you know Angela and Andy have been together since high school? That's....well it's just a fun fact."

  
Pam helped her up.

A car pulled up and Michael smiled and ran up to it. "Hey you."

"Michael." She said, smiling. She walked out of the car and kissed him. "I heard about the fire. Do you get to keep your job?"

Michael laughed. "Why do you assume I started it?"

Jan smirked. "Because I know you babe."Holly cringed."Anyways, I was thinking of my top five all throughout the drive over here."

Michael grinned. "Awesome." He walked over. "Hey guys gather round. We have one more participant for the desert island thing! Top five movies, go."

"Well um..what's the will smith movie with the aliens?"

Holly laughed.

  
HOLLY

"Jan really is beautiful isn't she. Ugh I mean ...her hair. And her car, so...fancy. "

  
Michael and jan got in the car to drive away, michael and holly snuck glances at each other with unspoken words and holly looked away as he drove off.

Erin almost fell over and Pam caught her. "Woah I gotcha."  
"Thanks pam. Sorry for almost burning down the building."

"Erin, again, it's totally okay you made a mistake, however, in business school and if you ever become manager-"

"Pam." Erin held out her hand." Imma stop you right there. Look at all that you've had to deal with? All you always have to deal with. And those books? They are sooo boring. I could never do half the things you do. "

Erin wobbled inside, leaving Pam to smile for a second at the camera, then to herself.

  
PAM

"You know, when people say things like that it makes me believe for a second that all this worth it."

  
Andy watched Erin and Pam walk in with a smile. Angela walked up to him and tugged him by the shirt sleeve.

  
ANDY

"I'm....screwed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it . Erin and Andy are a soft spot of mine (one of the main reasons I hated season 9) so this was fun to write. Also Michael and Holly's unspoken flirtation and Andy and Angela's fights were fun too. Also I think Erin is basically Pam's Dwight in a way. (Dwight is also her Dwight but she respects him a whole lot more than Michael did :)


	7. halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pam finds herself in a tricky situation when she puts off firing someone till the last minute, and of course it's made worse by Jim halpert's presence. Michael and Erin goof off per usual. Michael and Holly face a misunderstanding. Andy is still conflicted about his kiss with Erin and Erin refuses to talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was fun to write. I loved coming up with everyone's costumes

"Happy Halloween." Pam told the office as she walked in. She was dressed like Mrs.Incredible. Unfortunately this meant her costume was really tight and kind of hard to walk in, but she managed. She was carrying a bunch of things.

PAM  
"It's Halloween! I really like Halloween. This year is Disney themed, as you can see. There is nothing that can ruin this day.

"Happy Halloween." Erin said back. "Oh let me help you with that." She stood and grabbed some. Erin was dressed as Ariel the little mermaid and as a result she was wearing a purple sleeveless tube shirt and a green tube dress that went down into halfway between her knees and legs, with light green frills flowing and poofing out to represent the tail.

"Thank you i-." Pam said, then noticed her exposed shoulders and drew back. "Ahh. Um, Erin, why?" She gestured to Erin.

"I'm Ariel." She said innocently.

"Well...I mean isn't there an office dress code against..." Pam covered her up. "Showing your shoulders? Not to mention..." she leaned in and whispered "The cleavage?" Pam said.

"Actually there's no rule against even just wearing a bra, suprisingly. There's one about not showing your belly button but her dress just barely covers it up." Kelly said.

KELLY

"I did a lot of research to see how slutty I could make my costume without breaking the rules." She sighed. "But I guess Erin beat me too it."

Pam sighed forlornly. "Erin...you know what, fine. But your going to get a lot of unwanted attention."

"Like what?"

Pam turned her around to show Kevin (dressed as Winnie the Pooh) staring at her.

  
Andy as well kept glancing at her from his seat, but had the common sense not to stare.

ANDY

"Amature. Cleavage is like the sun. You glance, you never look directly at it. Not that I've been looking at Erin's cleavage ..I mean..."

  
Erin turned away from Kevin, uncomfortable.

  
Michael sighed in pity. He was dressed as a two headed dragon, one of the heads was made of paper maché. "Hey Erin?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't worry about covering up your cleavage. The thought of staring at your cleavage makes me physically ill, and I'm sure everyone else feels the same way." He looked around with a threatening stare. Kevin flinched and walked away.

Erin grinned. "Thanks."

Michael did finger guns and a wink at her.

MICHAEL  
"I'm kind of like Erin's cool , hip, older brother. Not like a dad...like holly said." He laughed.

~~~~

"Wait, oh my god." Erin ran into Pam's office. "Pam, Jim wants you to call him ."

Pam bitchfaced the camera. Pam tried to call Jim but only got to Sherri.

"I just need the name of who your planning to let go."

"..........I don't know yet." Pam said.

She sighed. "Just get the name as soon as possible."

"Got it." Pam said. She hung up. "F**k.*

  
PAM

"Look, running this office is basically like having about 20 kids. It's ...a lot of work. So it's understandable that I would forget certain things. Also... I'm not too thrilled about firing one of my ki-workers! I meant workers." She blushed.

  
Erin ran back in. "So what did Jim want? Is he coming here? Is he dressed as mr.incredible? Can I go change into a violet costume if he is so I can be your kid-"

"Uh-er-no....um....it's nothing."

Erin suddenly looked concerned. "Pam what's wrong?"

"....i have to let someone go today."

"Why'd you wait untill today."

"Well Erin, I was probably busy keeping you out of trouble."

Erin stared at her for several nervous seconds then burst into tears.

Pam sighed and facepalmed. "Your not fired Erin"

She smiled wide and immediately stopped crying. "Awesome!" She ran out.

Pam bitchfaced the camera.

  
~~~~

  
Michael was swaying around on a giant rubber ball which he was using as a chair. Dwight looked up from his computer.

  
"Do you have to do that Michael?"

  
"Um, yeah. It's a good work out. You should try it. It's good for core strengthening. Good for sex too."

  
Dwight chuckled. "Your not having sex." And went back to looking at his computer. "Jan clearly isn't having sex with you."

Michael bitchfaced him, then the camera.

~~~~~

  
Pam walked over to Angela, Oscar and Kevin. Angela was barely dressed up, she was wearing Mickey mouse ears and had whiskers drawn on her face. Kevin was dressed like Winnie the Pooh and Oscar was dressed as...she wanted to say a princess? It was some female character with a large blond wig. She silently hoped Michael would have the decency not to comment on it.

"Hey you guys excited about the party?" Pam said.

They nodded unenthusiastically.

"Angela, um, are you supposed to be a mouse? This is a Disney themed Halloween afterall..."

"It's Minnie mouse."

"Funn. Is Andy Mickey?"

"No he came as Peter pan."

Pam did a tilt nod. "That's...very fitting actually. Um, Kevin is that a real pot of honey because there are a lot of flies overhear."

"It has a lid...."

"Where is it?"

"..... At home."

Pam sighed. "At least finish it off now so you won't spill it."

He nodded in determination and started chugging. She briefly made a grossed out face but otherwise had barely a reaction, then she remembered something she was supposed to say."Also could you go out and buy more decorations I think someone stole them? I'll approve the overwages."

Angela nodded.

"Also um, imma need you guys to find a full employee salary plus benefits. Like 50 grand."

"We don't keep two sets of-"

"Well just, I need you to find 50 grand in the numbers."

They looked at each other confused as Pam walked away.

~~~

Erin ran into Pam's office. "Pam, dwight got his costume stuck to a wire underneath the desk."

Pam groaned. She grabbed some scissors and ran outside.

She crouched down and saw Dwight, dressed as buzz light-year, with a giant helmet, had managed to get his buttons stuck to the wires.

"Jesus Christ Dwight." She said.

"Its not my fault! Michael -"

"I don't care." She leaned in. "This wire doesn't look too important." She snipped the wire Dwight was caught on and sparks flew from Dwight's computer as it made a cackling noise.

They both stood up slow. Dwight glared at her.

"Um...call the IT guy?" She suggested.

"The jew? "

"Dwight?!"

"What?! I didn't insult him I just asked if he was a jew!"

"Would that effect whether or not you trust him?"

"...........................no."

Pam groaned. "I don't have time for this." She walked into the office and shut her door.

  
~~~

"Well I looked through all the numbers and their is one department that has three people, doing the work there could be some by two." Angela said.

"This is great. Who?" Oscar said.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Oh..."

"Yeah, *oh*." Kevin emphasized.  
~~~~

Michael and Erin were giggling. Holly looked at them suspicious and walked up to them.

"What did you guys do?"

"Why do you assume-"

Holly bitchfaced them.

Erin blurted out, "We were the ones that made Dwight get stuck."

"Duh. Why? He hasn't done anything so far."

"Does one really need a reason to prank Dwight?" Michael said with a laugh.

Holly raised an eyebrow.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Michael said, embarrassed.

Holly chuckled. "Well ...can I at least be in on it if I can't get you to stop?"

Michael and Erin nodded enthusiastically.  
"We should tell you our next idea!"

Michael and Erin rambled on and holly looked into the camera.

  
HOLLY  
"Michael and Erin are... basically the same person...so when they do something like prank Dwight their craziness gets a bit extreme. I usually step in to make sure no one dies..."

  
"How about, instead of getting Dwight stuck to his cables so he electrocutes himself and dies, maybe you just .....do something more simplier? That way he can't tell it's you guys."

"Like what?" They both said.

Holly grinned.

~~~~~~

Jim walked into the room as Pam paced inside her private office, not hearing him come in.

"Wow, looks like we got a lot of Disney fans here." Jim said with a smug grin.

"Jimbooo, what are you supposed to to be?"  
Michael said with a smile.

"Um, obviously I'm Woody." He was only wearing a red flannel, and a white shirt with a basic sheriff badge drawn on it in a gold marker with the name tag sheriff on it. He had on khakis.

"You just look like a lumberjack." Dwight said. "That's terrible."

Jim tilted his head quizzically. "Are you supposed to be buzz?"

"Hey look at that!" Erin said, gesturing between them. "Woody and Buzz! You guys are like Bert and Ernie."

"Dibs on Bert." Dwight said, not looking up from his computer.

Jim made his classic jim-face at the camera. "I guess I know my costume for next year. Should we meet up before Dwight? Maybe have a sleepover?"

"In your dreams." Dwight said.

Jim chuckled and Pam walked out of her office.

"Jim? What are you doing here? Did you come here just to flirt with Dwight??" She said with forced confidence.

"Well that's the main reason, but there's also something else I was planning to talk to you about."

Pam gulped and stiffened up. "Well come in."

She led him into her office.

~~~

  
"So...who's it gonna be Beasley?" He said, sitting across from her.

She stared at him for several seconds. "Hang on I need to speak to Dwight for a moment."

"Got it. I'll just...chill in your office. Hope I don't find your diary." He said with corny confidence and she rolled her eyes as she walked out.

"Dwight I need you." She said, folding her arms. "Meet me in the conference room in private."

~~~

"Did Jim touch you!?"

"Dwight?!"

"It's a valid question."

Pam facepalmed. "No...Dwight he did not touch me...just...I have to let someone go today."

".....and you put it off till the party?"

"Well....you see I've been very busy..."

Dwight facepalmed. "Oh Pam...look do you want me to do it for you?"

"No I just ...need you to ...keep up morale. Make this party much for fun than it has to be so people...don't really notice if anyone gets fired."

Dwight saluted her. "Absolutely. Also Pam, can I fire Ryan."

"...no Dwight you can not. Although...it does make sense to fire the least popular...maybe it should be.but no you can not."

Dwight bitchfaced the camera.

~~~

"Okay, greatest strength?" Holly said.

"OOH, a doglike obedience to authority!" Erin said.

Michael laughed.

  
MICHAEL

"We're putting Dwight's resume online. His talents would best be used elsewhere...like in Alaska."

  
~~~~~

  
Erin walked into the conference room where Angela was putting out brownies.

"Angela?" Erin said.

Angela looked up.

"Where should I put these ?"

"Those aren't cookies?"

"Well no, they're poison apples. Well no they're green Carmel apples, they're not actually poisonous...at least I don't think."

Angela bitchfaced her. "I told you to bring in cookies."

"....well I thought this suited the theme better-"

"Why are you sabotaging this?"

Erin bitchfaced the camera.

  
ERIN

"Erin probably should have dressed like a mean old witch...that would have suited her better than some mouse."  
~~~  
Andy watched them both from his chair, nervous.

  
ANDY

"I...haven't really talked to Erin since... the um...I don't wanna say what but it has something to do with Erin's mouth on my mouth. She hasn't approached me, I haven't approached her....It sucks."

~~~

  
Erin's phone rang, but she wasn't at reception to answer it. Michael walked by and it picked it up.

"Dunder Mifflin this is...Erin." he said in a higher pitched voice.

Holly chuckled to herself.

"Oh really! Wow thats great. Um yeah, here she is! I am now giving the phone to Pam Beasley, our manager."

Holly took the phone and did her best Pam impression.

"Why hellloo . Yes sir this is Pam Beasleyyy herself."

Michael held a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.

"Oh Dwight? Yeah Dwight is amazing. I've known him for over a decade. He's like the older brother of the office....hmmm?....mmmhhmmm....well if Dwight doesn't excede your expectations you have my full permission to throw him out into the streets. Sound good? ...Fantastic....okay bye bye." She hung up.

Michael and Holly laughed .

"That was wonderful! You are wonderful!" He booped her on the noise.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yeah I think Meredith spiked the punch again."

Holly shook her head in judgement, still smiling at Michael.

  
MEREDITH

"I spike the punch every year. Pam doesn't really notice because everyone acts drunk all the time anyways.

  
~~~~~

Andy walked into the conference room, Erin was alone, he was about to speak but he ran out before she could see him. She saw him walk back to his seat and said nothing.

ERIN  
"What? Oh me and Andy are fine why? It's ...not like there would be any event or situation in which it wouldn't be..."

~~~~

Michael was doing his job. He just closed a sale and Holly smiled at him from the water cooler, proud.

  
HOLLY

"Michael might be quite a character, but he's ... incredibly talented. He should be the one getting a new job offer, like for real."

  
"Don't take this the wrong way, but you should take the job." Holly said to him on the phone. Michael got a weird expression.

"What? You think?"

"Yeah I mean you'd be really good at it. And all the benefits are better."

Michael nodded, clearly upset. "I have some work to do."

"Oh Michael I didn't mean-"

He hung up.

Holly looked at him sadly.

Dwight walked out. "ATTENTION. THE PARTY WILL BEGIN NOW! EVERYONE GO TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM! AND YOU MUST HAVE FUN. IT IS MANDITORY. YOU MUST HAVE AN AWESOME TIME."

"What about just an okay time?" Andy said. People laughed and Erin smiled before catching herself..

"Unacceptable." Dwight said. "No go! What are you people waiting for?!"

Everyone groaned and went into the Halloween party.

~~~~~

Pam walked into her office from the hallway.

  
PAM

"When I'm having a stressful day I like to scream into the couch pillows on the second floor."

"Have you decided who your gonna fire?" Jim said as Pam sat down and took an aspirin.

"I already know Jim. Obviously. I'm just...waiting till after the party."

Jim nodded, unconvinced. "Nice costume." He said, checking her out.

She bitchfaced him. "You too. Did you get that in the sluty toy story section?"

Jim laughed. "How is it slutty?"

"Your shirt and pants are way too tight and the shirt is buttoned down somewhat to your chest. It's slutty." Pam said, not looking up from her work.

"Well there's a lot of high demand for dressing up at the office over there. I can't just come in and do three hole punch Jim anymore."

Pam smiled for a half second at the memory, then coughed it away. "So...are you gonna be here the whole day?"

"I mean they sent me here..."

"You should just wait in the conference room." She said.

Jim shrugged at the camera." Well alright. Do you want me to fire them for you-?"

"I can do my own job." Pam said bluntly.

"Just tryna help." He said apathetically as he walked out.

  
JIM

"Pam's...too nice too do her job sometimes. Except to me of course..." Jim smiled.

~~~~~~~~

The party wasn't all that interesting, everyone stood in different sections, talking to different people.

"I don't think Dorothy is a Disney character." Oscar told Meredith.

"Um...I'm pretty sure she is."

Kevin looked at the carmel apples and ate one. "What are these?"

"They're poison apples." Angela said.

He spit it out. "F****k!"

"They're not actually poisonous Kevin!" Angela said.

"Oh..."

Andy watched her sadly.

  
ANDY

"So...I guess I technically cheated on Angela. But I mean, it was just a kiss....and she's like, married to god because of her religion or something so who really committed adultery here?" Andy laughed awkwardly and looked pained.

  
Erin was doing a funny dance. Andy saw her and smiled.

  
ANDY  
"Erin really is great isn't she....she doesn't deserve to be the other woman. Not that she'd wanna be with me anyways..."

  
"Michael?" Pam said."Can I speak to you in my office?"

Michael gulped at the camera and nodded.

Holly anxiously looked at him.

~~~

"So, what did um, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well, I need your advice. Your ... the best at sales and company stuff... suprisingly."

Michael nodded and tilted his head at the word suprisingly.  
"...okay?"

"And...I was wondering...who do you think I should fire?"

Michael stuttered incoherently.

"Michael?"

"I- I don't really wanna be responsible for anyone loosing their jobs Pam.... I mean....Why did you put it off? And is that why Jimbo's here?"

"I...I don't know I just...I don't wanna fire anyone. I love all these people."

Michael smiled sympathetically. "Pam...you gotta make a decision, and...whatever decision you make, we all know you will have tried your best. Trust yourself."

She smiled. "Thank you."

"No problemo kiddo."

~~~~

Michael walked out of the office and holly walked up to him. "Michael, oh my god what happened?"

"I wasn't fired if that's what you were wondering."

Holly smiled. "Oh thank God! Because I was-"

He laughed awkwardly and walked away.

Holly watched him go sadly.

~~~~~

"You wanted me?" Devon said.

Pam smiled. "Come in."

"What's up?"

"Um...Devon...I take no pleasure in this... but, we are going to have to let you go."

"What?! Why?"

"Devon look, it's budget cuts and-"

"But why me? Why me specifically."

"Devon your a good employee but you make the least money-"

"So I'm getting fired because of my salary?!"

He stormed out and Pam chased after him.

"No thats...that's not what I meant. I mean you don't bring in as much money-"

"Well yeah! It's not like I work in sales! What about Creed? He's an idiot!"

Everyone from the party slowly walked outside to see what the shouting was about, despite Dwight's protests, Jim too.

"He...may be, yeah. But he brings in a suprising amount of money-"

"And today of all days??!!! Pam I would expect better of you!"

"Devon I'm-" Pam's eyes were getting watery at this point.

"No *fuck* you! "

"Woah hey!" Jim said, he tried to run up to devon but Pam blocked him with an outstretched hand.

"Holly, Stanley, Phyllis, Kelly, Erin, Kevin, Oscar, and Meredith your welcome to join me at poor Richards! The rest of you can go f**k yourselves!" He gave Pam the middle finger and ran out.

A couple tears fell down Pam's face as she ran into her office.

"Should...we go?" Kevin said.

"I mean she probably wants us to." Oscar said.

There was a collective agreement and they all went to walk out, except for Dwight.

Holly grabbed Michael. "Michael wait, I um, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. If you left I'd throw myself off the roof."

Michael laughed gently. "Overdramatic much?"

She smiled .

"Come on." He said softly, tugging her sleeve. She grinned and followed him out. He glanced happy at the camera.

  
MICHAEL

"Those are just words really. I mean, if Holly left I wouldn't throw myself off a roof. I'd probably want to though. I mean, can you imagine what I'd do without her? I'd probably be dead of boredom. Or I'd be an *sshole like Devon."

  
Dwight knocked on Pam's door.

"Come in."

He did. She was standing behind her desk and crying.

He pulled her into a hug and kissed her on the forehead.

"I can kick his ass if you want. I tried to trip Jim on the way out but he dodged it."

Pam laughed softly, slightly cheered up. "No, uh, I don't think so. But thanks for the offer."

He started to pull her away, then noticed Devon drop a pumpkin on her car and pulled her back in and shut the blinds.

"I should probably give you a ride home... I-I just mean I know it's bad for woman to drive when they're feeling emotional."

Pam laughed and they walked out while he had an arm around her affectionately. "Sure Dwight." She said with a laugh.

  
PAM

"I guess that went slightly better than the worst it could have possible gone." She said with a laugh."

DWIGHT

"I'll have Mose sneak here at night and clean off her car. He'll do it...he loves sneaking around in the night. It's adorable."

JIM

"Not the worst party I've ever been too. Of course nothing tops the one where Pam got drunk and nearly broke the table."

KEVIN

"I still think Angela tried to poison me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh poor Pam. But Dwight is the best. Also Jim and Dwight coincidentally dressing up as Woody and Buzz are probably my favorite costume choices. I hope you enjoyed :)


	8. The fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwight and Erin gear up for a fight. Erin seems to be frustrated about something. Pam has a lot of work to do and the office keeps interrupting her.

  
Dwight walked into the door thinking it would be just a regular day, but of course life never really gives him what he wants.

"Michael?! Where is my desk?"

"Oh...now that is weird."

Dwight groaned. "Erin?! I know your responsible for this too."

Erin shook her head no, holding back the giggles.

"This is ridiculous! I am telling Pam!"

Dwight walked towards Pam's room.

"Colder." Michael said.

Dwight navigated himself with Michael's infuriating instructions and eventually ended up using his desk......in a bathroom.

And he'd even been foolish enough to assume that would be the worst part of his day.

~~~~  
After a frankly confusing phone call Michael had overheard from Dwight, in which Dwight revealed himself to be a "sempai" and explained his, frankly, depressing obsession with karate (including his promotion to assistant sensai or something) Michael figured his day couldn't get any weirder.

He was very wrong.

~~~~~~

DWIGHT

"I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei."

  
Stanley walked into Pam's office. "I don't want to stay untill 7 this year."

"Stanley i will do my best but overall I don't have a lot of control over that."

Stanley bitchfaced the camera.

PAM

" Every so often, I end up procrasting all the work I'm supposed to be doing. But of course that's only because it's so much work taking care of these.... lovely people.... Umm, time cards, I had to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all I had to do is initial these at the end of every quarter." Pam facepalmed. " But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm. And of course I need everyone to be on their best behavior and not interrupt me.....which I realize is a lot to ask for....last year we had to stay till 7 because I spent 2 hours trying to get Michael and Erin to stop throwing fruits off the roof...."

  
As she finished talking, Ryan ran in, "Pam, I was wondering if I could talk to you about a new business idea-"

Pam groaned. "Ryan..." Her face face lit up as she got an idea. "I need you to do a very special project for me...can you go around ........getting everyone's updated emergency contact information?"

  
Ryan tilted his head in confusion, "Right now?

Pam nodded. "It's extremely important."

~~~~~

"No woman or children, unless provoked." Dwight said, talking to a fasinated Michael.

"Wow ...what about Darryl. Could you beat him up?"

"Warehouse guy. Doesn't count."

Erin overheard and said, "Um, why no women?"

Dwight laughed. "Because your the weaker gender, obviously. How is a girl supposed to fight if she's constantly pms-ing all over the place and worrying about her makeup. A girl couldn't even land a punch on me."

  
Erin crossed her arms. "Dwight I could kick your butt."

Michael looked worried at the direction this was going, "Um Erin Dwight's a purple belt so I wouldn't try-"

"So what! I'm probably a black belt. Or I could be if I did karate. I used to... fight people all the time."

Dwight scoffed, "You have you fought?"

"Um ....orphans mostly. But it's okay because I was also an orphan. Also-"

Dwight scoffed and walked into the kitchen. "Whatever."

Erin bitchfaced the camera and stomped off .

Holly looked at the camera in concern.

  
HOLLY

"I can't help but feel like Erin is taking out her frustrations about something...what it could possibly be I don't know.."

~~~~~  
"So Kevin is your ex wife still in contact?"

"We're still together..."

"Right."

"You didn't erase ex."

"Whoops."

~~~~~~~

Andy looked up at Erin, she hadn't said a word to him since yesterday, since....the kiss.

He typed out onto his computer: I'm sorry if that was weird. I'm sorry I kissed you. If you want we can pretend like nothing happened. He backspaced it all and sighed to himself.

~~~~~~

PAM

"Anddddd done. Just finished up the expense reports. Today has been actually mostly productive. I feel like I'm actually gonna be able to finish-"

  
Holly ran in and frantically said, "Pam! Erin's got Dwight in a chokehold!"

Pam groaned and ran out.

"Sleeper hold! Who's THE WEAKER GENDER NOW!"

Andy looked half concerned half aroused. Everyone else looked confused and concerned but not enough to risk getting dragged in the middle of it.

"Erin!" Pam yelled, she tried to pull Erin away as holly pulled away Dwight.

Michael sunk down in his seat in guilt.

ERIN

"Oh me and Dwight are like best friends. I love him. I love everyone. All these people are my bestest friends. But sometimes your bffs insult your entire gender and don't believe that you've fought people and it's only common sense that you show them you could kick their butt." Erin said this all with a wide innocent grin that didn't match her words.

Erin was in the kitchen when Dwight ran in, shouting, "Rematch!"

Everyone heard and Michael and Holly and Angela and Kevin ran in too.

Erin looked up, "Rematch? Come on Dwight don't be a sore loser." She said slightly mocking.

"I want you to punch me!"

"What?"

"Just punch me."

"Dwight I'm not gonna-"

Dwight made chicken noises and turned around and started to walk away victorious when Erin ran up to him, spun him around, and punched him in the stomach.

"FUUUUUAHHHHH.....OHHHH!"

ERIN

"Did I want to harm my boi? My oldest bro? My amigo? No...but sometimes you gotta defend your honor. That's what I learned when a homeless man tried to steal my matress and I let him. I had a really long night to think about it...." She also said this with another innocent grin.

  
"Are you alright Dwight?" Angela said.

"Fine, thank you."

"It's just that Erin kicked your ass-"Kevin said.

"You know what Kevin! It was a sucker punch! If it was a real battle I would destroy her!"

  
"I mean...... probably not." Kevin said.

  
Dwight ran up to reception. "Everyone watch out for Erin. She might sucker punch you!"

Erin rolled her eyes. "It wasn't a sucker punch Dwight ."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah!" Erin stood up. "I was defending my honor against you! And you offered!

"Well actually it was because you didn't say that you excepted the offer! You just punched me with no warning!"

"So what? You wanna punch me? Tit for tit?"

"Look Erin if we were not at work there would be two punches! Me punching you and you hitting the floor!"

"Oh you are so LUCKY Pam specifically told me not to beat anyone up at work!"

"What about my dojo?" Dwight said, Erin considered.

"Um guys?" Ryan said. "Maybe you guys shouldnt-"

They both groaned and screamed at the same time, "Butt out Ryan!"

He walked away.

RYAN

"Yeah I just wanna go home earlier then 7 this year."

  
"We leave at lunch." Dwight said, holding out his hand.

Erin grinned. "Deal." She shook his hand. "Holly?"

"Hmmm? Please don't involve me. ....."

"Well *someone* has to make an announcement."

Dwight yelled it really loudly.

Pam couldn't make out the words Dwight said but she knew he was shouting and Pam looked up from her notes in brief concern, then sighed and got back to work.

  
~~~~  
MUCH

  
"Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Erin, she decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch her fight Dwight. I don't think she actually has the authority to do that though....but honestly who cares.... Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight-"

  
~~  
Michael stood in front of a sign, "I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll."  
" Uh, no, it's not."  
" I think it is. A guy told me about that."  
"Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.  
"Oh."

Holly walked up to him after Ira left. "So...this is weird...."

Michael chuckled. "Well you can say that."

"Did you mean to do this?" Holly asked Michael with a smirk.

"Honestly...I just wanted to learn more about karate."

Holly laughed louder than she probably should have.

  
~~~~~  
Pam was minding her own business in her office when she got a call from Jim.

"Hey halpert what's up?'

"Pam for the love of God explain to me why Kev just invited me to a 'duel' between Dwight and Erin during company time, that is apparently happening right now?? At *'Dwight's dojo'*?"

"WHAT?!" Pam ran out and saw no one was there.

"Pam? You still there-"

She hung up on him.

"Fuck."  
~~~~~~~~

Andy walked up to Erin. "So...Erin. "

"Yeah Andy?" She said, putting on the karate gear and avoiding eye contact.

"So like...are we cool? I know you said we are but it just feels like-"

"Why wouldn't we be?" Erin said, fake punching the air in preparation.

Andy bit his lip and looked down. "Right."

He walked away and Erin looked at him for a sad second. Then shook it off as she put on her helmet.

~~~

"Okay gentlemen listen up. After a clean strike to the head, stomach, or kidneys, I will seperate you and award you a point. Got it?"

"Yes sensei." Dwight said, bowing.

"Lot of rules, lot of rules, in the foster system we didn't have any rules. Well maybe one...no kicks to the groin. Also no stealing food."

"Hajime!" Ira yelled.

Dwight immediately kicked her.

"What the hell Dwight?!"

"Eat it!" He said.

"Point Dwight!" Ira said.

"Oh that's the way you wanna play it?!" Erin said. "Let's go glasses!"

"Shut up ginger!"

She gasped loudly and ran at him, he dodged all her attacks.

"Kick his ass Erin! Sweep the leg!" Andy yelled.

Erin smiled at him briefly and sweeped Dwight's leg, he fell over.

"Clean technique only!" Ira said.

"Oh it is on!" Dwight said, he ran at her and pulled her hair. She bit him on the arm.

"Ow! "

"No biting!"

He bit her arm tooand so they were basically just going in a circle trying to keep their mouths on the other person's arm.

Michael took a picture and holly laughed. Everyone looked amused.

Eventually dwight was able to pull himself free and he pushed her away, he lifted his leg in the air and tried to kick her side.

"CLEAN TECHNIQUE ONLY!"

"Oh you try that again!" Erin said.

Dwight did and she grabbed his leg and locked him in a hold.

"Oh you like that! Oh you can't see!" She grabbed his hand and made him hit himself. "Why you hitting yourself!? Why you hitting yourself!?"

Pam entered the dojo and ran in. "What the hell!"

"Uh, it's a dojo fight." Kevin said.

"I can see that!" Pam said. "Guys stop it!"

They didn't listen and Erin knocked Dwight to the floor.

"YIELD MOTHERTRUCKER!"

"NEVER! AND OWE I THINK YOUR DISLOCATING MY LEG WHY ARE YOU SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOUR SIZE? YOUR LIKE AN ANT!!"

Pam sighed and grabbed a helmet, she ran onto the mat and tried to pull Erin away by wrapping her arms around her.

"Let him go Erin you won!"

"He hasn't said yeild!"

Jim walked in at that very moment. "So...this the dojo fight?"

"Yep." Meredith said.

"Is it weird I've had this wet dream before? Except without Dwight?" Ryan said.

"Oh same here." Jim said, leaning against the fence. "Except with that one difference from yours." He watched intently as Ryan gave him a judgemental and confused look.

Pam pushed Erin down and Dwight was able to get up mostly. Erin slapped Pam in the face as Pam pinned her down by the forehead while fighting off Dwight with her other hand.

"Uh guys maybe we shouldn't objectify our boss and receptionist? Or..." Andy scrunched up his face in disgust. "Dwight apparently."

"Andy we all know about your whole Erin thing. Your probably trying to keep from getting a boner." Kevin said.

Kelly winced, "Ewww Kevin!"

Angela got back from the bathroom. "Ugh, is this still going on?"

"Yep. "Ryan said.

"Apparently these weirdos all have a wrestling fetish." Kelly said.

"What?!" Angela said. "That is so perverted! Thats..."

Dwight took off his glasses as he managed to get Erin pinned down. Angela watched intently.

"Um, Angela?" Andy said. Angela coughed.

"Well I don't need to keep going you all know what I mean."

"Oh I never do." Jim said, taking pictures. "Then again I never know what any of you weirdos are talking about."

"Ass." Oscar mumbled.

Michael took several more pictures. "This is the best day of my life."

"Ooh I can get one with you in it." Holly offered.

"Please do!" Michael said. He turned around and smiled as holly took the picture.

~~~

Back at the office they all exited the elavator silently. Pam looked smug, but embarrassed. Erin and Dwight flinched as the elavator door almost closed on them.

  
PAM

"You know how they say that sometimes people in a position of power have to get their hands dirty? Well I've never had to do anything like that untill today." Pam adjusted her pants suit. "I did not care for it..." Pam looked off to the side. "I should probably finish up that work."

Holly smiled to herself. She carried the camera over to Michael. "Hey look at this."  
She showed him the picture. It was of michael smiling in a goofy expression, and Pam holding Dwight and Erin down on the ground, screaming something.

"Oh this is wonderful. Ill hang it up on my wall."

Dwight fidgeted with a pencil, watching them annoyed. "Get a room."

They bitchfaced him.

Dwight walked into Pam's office, where Meredith was discussing something with her.

"Pam? Where is Ryan. I want to tell him about changing my emergency contact information."

"Uh i think I saw making out with Kelly in the lunch room." Meredith said.

"Got it." Dwight said, walking out.

"Wait Dwight?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you wanna change about your emergency contact so suddenly. Who even is your emergency contact?"

"Its you Pam, or it was. Now it shall me....the hospital."

Pam blinked unsure of what to say as Dwight walked out.

"What's his problem?"

"Probably the fact hat you kicked his ass today."

Pam nodded in concern and thought.

  
DWIGHT  
"You know...I didn't really care for what happened. I mean, I'm not mad at Pam for doing her job, if my subordinates did this I'd do more than get them to stop fighting. Still, I'd appreciate it if I now saw as little of her as possible."

  
Erin was writing something down.

  
ERIN

"Well...did I get beat up by Pam, yes. But I took one for the team. The team being women. Today Dwight got beat up by not just one girl, but two." Erin grinned. "So, not a bad day...." She punched the wall for a second, then straightened up with a smile. "Sorry about that."

~~~  
Stanley looked up at Phyllis, "I get we're not going home early today. Or on time. Or maybe at all."

"Have we ever?" Phyllis said.

Stanley rolled his eyes, "Still, this is ridiculous."

Phyllis smiled, "Uh yeah, what else would you expect from a day here."

Stanley nodded in bitter agreement.

~~~~~~  
Erin was getting something from the fridge when Dwight walked in, he chugged something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.

Him and Erin avoided eye contact.

"What could you be eating at this time of day?" Dwight mumbled.

"Oh um...celery. I used to eat this after all my fights. What are you drinking?"

"Gatorade. Replenishes the body."

There was an awkward pause.

"S...sorry if i went overboard. " Erin said.

Dwight chuckled. "Oh it's alright. I know you were only doing it because andy kissed you and you don't know how to deal with your feelings." He turned to walk out.He said it so casually, like he hadn't just dropped the equavilant of an atomic bomb on her.

"What??!! How did you-"

"I was there...in the fire. Remember? You guys weren't talking very queitly. And you weren't even running from the fire, caught up in your drama like a bunch of idiots."He took another sip then gagged. "Oh that's not good at all. People drink this just for fun? Ugh."

"But... I mean...Andy is engaged."

Dwight chuckled to himself. "So?"

"They...they're in love. They've been together since high school. Plus I don't wanna be the other woman."

Dwight chuckled. "Do you want the truth?"

She nodded.

"Andy and Angela may have known each other since high school but, they don't like each other all that much. They won't break up because angela's not really a risk taker, and Andy's not really a risk. And Andy, doesn't really believe he's the kind of guy who gets to be happy."

"But ...does he love her?" Dwight went to the fridge and pulled out some jerky.

"Well...he does. In a way. But not in the way your thinking. Angela and Andy may love each other but they're not in love. Not really. I don't think Angela's capable of such a thing." Dwight said this last part with some emotion and Erin couldn't figure out what that was about.

"So what? Your saying it's just okay for me to be the other woman? And wreck someone else's relationship?"

Dwight groaned. "Erin what did I just say. You wouldn't be wrecking anything. They're not in love. They're just average roomates basically. They don't even bang that often."

"How do you know all this?"

"Because I'm observant Erin. I have the most superior intellect of anyone in this office. I am smarter than a robot. Well maybe not smarter. I'd say about equal."

Erin nodded seriously. "Of course." She bit her lip. "Still, the idea of being the other woman bothers me."

Dwight laughed. "Who knows , maybe Andy's the other woman too. Then it would all cancel out."

Erin tilted her head in confusion. "Wait what? You think?"

"Maybe. What do I know, I'm not a machine I can't read people's minds." He said with a shrug.

"But you just said-"

He left the room before he heard her, and left Erin to think about his confusing and troubling words of wisdom.

~~~

Pam was talking to Ryan.

"Oh, yeah it's still my mom. I haven't talked to my dad in years. Don't know where that lousy f**k is."

Ryan wrote something down when Erin walked in.

Pam sat up. "Hey you."

"Ryan, please change my emergency contact information from Pam to...the hospital. Just ..put 911."

Pam watched her walk out sadly. "Well that's ..upsetting."

"Maybe you shouldn't have beat her up." Ryan mumbled , looking down.

Pam bitchfaced him, then saw he was writing something.

"Um, just leave me as her contact info. I'll call the hospital. You know... Cut out the middle-man."

Ryan sighed and erased what he wrote.  
~~~~~  
Pam walked out of her office.

"Pam did you finish?" Dwight said.

"Well, not yet. This close. Um, Erin can I see you in my office?"

"I'm busy." Erin said.

"Well I'm busier and I'm making time." Pam said. "Dwight you too."

Dwight looked up. "Sure but aren't you supposed to be finishing up something?"

"Yeah, can't your conversation wait untill Monday?" Stanley said.

"Yeah we wanna go home." Ryan said.

"Ryan you don't have anyone to go home too." Pam looked around. "Okay everyone, you wanna go home early? Here's what we are gonna do. Since you all are the reason I was delayed i think it's only fair you pitch in. What do you say?"

~~~  
"This is illegal." Angela said, filling out the forms.

"I don't care." Stanley said.

~~~

Erin and Dwight sat across from Pam, who sat on the side in front of the window.

There was an awkward silence.

"Um...Pam?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you call us in here?" Erin said.

"If you wanted us to all awkwardly stare at each other we probably should have done it in the morning. Prime staring time."

Pam quizzically looked at Dwight for a second before smiling. "Oh...I guess I was just thinking to myself about how happy I am that you guys passed my test?"

"What?" They both said.

"Well, obviously this whole thing was a test."Pam said. "It was to see if you guys would...rise to the challenge. And of course the fact that you...let me win. It shows how respectful you guys are off authority."

  
Erin and Dwight looked at each other confused before nodding.

"Of course ." Erin said.

"I knew that. " Dwight said.

"Definitely what happened."

"Absolutely."

Pam smiled." And...since you guys passed, Dwight." She looked at him. "You are now being promoted from assistant to the regional manager, to assistant regional manager."

Dwight had an overdramatic reaction, shedding tears. "Oh Pam. " He stood up and bowed. "Thank you sensai."

She nodded. Erin looked between them happy.

"And for you, Erin." Pam said. "You are now being given the spot...of assistant to the assistant regional manager." She said this while holding back laughs.

Erin stood up and also had an overdramatic reaction. "Oh my god Pam! This is the best thing that's every happened to me!"She hugged her too tight.

"The *best* thing? Really?" Pam looked at the camera in a slightly mocking but overall fond way.

Dwight and Erin high fived. "I can't wait to tell everyone!" Dwight yelled.

"Well uh, maybe keep this on the down-low. Just so people don't get jealous."

"Of course." Dwight said, smiling.

"Pam your the best. "

"I know..." She said, then paused. "We should probably go help them with the work."

"Yeah that seems like a good course of action." Dwight said.

Erin nodded in agreement. "I was wondering about that."

Pam side-glanced the camera as if to say: i love these idiots.

  
PAM

"You know, I somehow was able to convince them that they let me win, because of course they'd never be happy with themselves if I beat them. They're the kind of people who have yet to learn that there's honor in loosing. Just like theres honor in making a couple idiots feels better." She smiled.

  
Andy walked up to Erins desk after everyone else had left.

"Heyo." He said, drumming his fingers on the desk.

Erin looked up."Andy hi... I-"

"Look, Erin , I know we haven't talked about this because it's awkward but Im... really sorry about the other day.....when we kissed"

Erin smiled. "It's cool Andy."

"Really?" He perked up.

"Yeah." She grinned wide.

"Great, and of course...we can just keep pretending like it didn't happen."

Erin's smile fell a little. "What?"

Andy looked confused. "D-do you not want to-"

Erin coughed and fake-laughed. "Um- obviously I do -duh-what kiss."

Andy forced a smile. "Right. Well, have a good weekend." He walked away.

"You too." Erin said, watching him sadly.

  
ERIN

"I guess tommorow things will be the same, like it never happened. That's what Andy wanted." Erin looked down and her smile faltered. "Right?"

  
Erin ran after Andy on the way out. "Andy wait!"

"Hmmm?"

"I...can we..." " Erin paused and turned off her mic. Andy looked at her confused and did the same.

They talked very expressively, not upset or happy, just expressive, it's Erin and Andy though, that's kind of how they are. They hugged and the camera zoomed in on Erin's emotional face.

Erin looked around for the camera, and not finding it... grabbed Andy by the hand. He followed her up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it. Erin and Dwight is such a fun combo because they act like siblings.  
Erin kinda took the place of Michael in this chapter and it worked almost too well. She really is very similar to Michael. I guess that makes Andy her holly..  
also poor Pam having to deal with all her subordinates *cough*I mean her children *coughs*.  



	9. a study in pb&j and what happened to roy, also the best not-date ever had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. :) Also be warned the rating for this chapter is pg13 for...reasons  
Pam and Jim have to go on a sales pitch together. They make a terrible wonderful mistake and have to deal with the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy. If you remember originally in the show this is the episode where Michael and Jan became a thing. Also it was Jim and Pams first "date". ☺️

"I know it's an unpopular opinion but frankly dumbledore was kind of a p***sy." Michael said to Dwight by the watercoolers.

"You shut your damn mouth." Dwight said."What else was he supposed to do?"

"I mean he coulda just-"

"We talking Harry Potter?" Holly said. "Anyone else get a bit of a gay vibe from Dumbledore?"

Michael got wide eyes and he looked at the camera. "That is not what i meant! Gay people are not p**sys. I love queer eye. And...democratic election parties and....rainbows-"

"Hate crime!" Dwight said. Holly looked utterly confused and Michael looked mortified. "Hate crime!"

Oscar walked by them and bitchfaced the camera.

Erin was talking to Pam by the receptionist desk. Pam was holding some folders.

Erin and Pam heard the door opening noise. They turned around and Pam gasped and dropped her things.

  
"Roy?"

  
Roy walked into the office, keeping eye contact with Pam.

  
Dwight and Michael and Holly looked at each other in panic, then at the camera in panic.

Everyone else stiffened. The tension was unbearable.

Pam just blinked at him eyes wide. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know-

  
"Hey Pam."

  
Pam gulped.

  
"Hey Roy."

Erin mouthed "oh my god" to a very confused Andy.

Dwight reached into his pocket and pulled out some pepper spray, Michael pushed it back down.

Holly covered her face up with her fingers, keeping them slightly open so she could see what was happening.

Even Stanley looked up.

Roy saw everyone was watching, "Maybe we should talk in private." He whispered.

Pam looked around too and blushed. "Yeah."

She and Roy walked out.

"Erin make sure no one dies." She managed.

"Got it." She stuttered out

Everyone waited till they were out of sight. Erin stood up. "WHAT THE HELL?! He's not even allowed here anymore!"

Holly held out her hands. "Everyone calm down-"

"You don't think they're back together?" Phyllis said.

Stanley rolled his eyes. "What did I say, the woman needs therapy."

"I've got my pepper spray. Michael grab my ninja stars!" Dwight said.

"On it." Michael said, running to Dwight's desk.

Angela stood up. "Dwight no! "

"Oh this is very bad." Kevin said.

Everyone engaged in talking all at once before Andy screamed,"Can someone please explain to me whats going on!"

Everyone shut up and looked at him. "Were you not hear for this?" Kelly said.

"...No..." .

Ryan tilted his head in confusion, "I feel like you definitely were..."

"No wait! That's right! You were at anger management camp for punching a whole in the wall!" Erin said.

"Oh yeahhh." Phyllis said. "I always forget about that."

"PLEASE EXPLAIN PLEASE!" Andy said.

Everyone looked down awkwardly.

Dwight rolled his eyes and pushed holly aside to walk to Andy , "Long story short, Roy attacked halpert and got fired."

"What?! What the hell did big tuna do to him that was so bad?"

"We don't know all the details." Phyllis said.

"But it's not hard to guess it has something to do with our own Pamela Beasley." Michael said.

"Wowww." Andy said. "Poor Pam. Wait is that why they got the divorce?"

Angela facepalmed, "Andy I think I told you some of this."

"How am I supposed to keep track of all this juicy gossip?! You think i just keep a journal of gossip about everyone?!"

  
Erin, Angela, Michael, Dwight and Oscar all said, "Yes."

Andy stutter laughed awkwardly. "Well I lost it."

Erin giggled quitely despite herself.

Andy caught it and smiled to himself.

"I wonder what they're talking about?" Kevin said.

"Everyone go watch from the window!" Michael said.

"No-" holly tried to say as everyone ran into Michael's office; they all gathered around the window. Roy walked outside first, then Pam.

"So, what did you wanna talk about?" Pam said.

"Um...well I found something of yours and...I figured you should have it." Roy said, as they walked to his car.

"What?" Pam said.

Roy opened his trunk

~~~~~~

"HE'S GETTING A GUN!" Andy screamed.

Dwight was about to run outside when Andy corrected himself.

"Never mind its a painting."

~~~~~~

All the awkward suspense culminated in a trunk full of paintings. Roy picked up an old painting she did of the office.

Pam doubled over laughing.

"What?" Roy said with a confused grin.

"You know your not allowed back here right? And all of this for a bunch of old paintings?"

"Pam its not stupid! " Roy pulled out another one. It was a large landscape painting of the old sales crew. Pam, Jim, and Dwight (and Michael wasn't there that day). " You spent like months on this and you never even hung it up."

Pam bit her lip and looked down. "Well I don't paint anymore Roy."

Roy laughed then stopped. "What your serious? Pam..."

Pam rolled her eyes. "Did you come all the way out here to judge me for my life?"

"No I uh, also came to check in. I mean it's been...I dunno...years?"

Pam smiled, geniune. "Yeah it has. Um...we should probably catch up another time...not here."

"You still have my number?" Roy said.

"Yeah." Pam said. "Your still saved as boy-toy-roy , remember, from high school?"

They both laughed.

~~~~

"What are they saying?" Phyllis said.

"I don't know." Erin said. "They look weirdly happy though..."

"Yeah. Too happy." Dwight said. "This is clearly the work of drugs."

"Drugs Dwight? You think Roy is somehow drugging Pam through the air? God you are such an idiot!" Michael said.

Dwight and Michael started hitting each other.

"Both of you stop! Look!"

Pam went to her car with a bunch of paintings in her hands. Roy too. They went back and forth, talking and seemingly having a good time.

"Awwww." Holly said.

"No not awwww holly, something isn't right. " Dwight said. Erin facepalmed.

They hugged goodbye and Roy drove off. Pam watched him with a smile. She looked around and sighed.

"She'll see us ! Run ! " Erin said. They all ran back to their seats and pretended to do their work.

Pam walked in five minutes later. "Did you guys enjoy the show?"

Everyone played dumb.

Pam sighed, but she was still in a good mood. "All he wanted was to return some old paintings."

"So your not getting back together?" Erin blurted out.

Pam laughed on the way to her office and shut the door.

"She didn't answer the question." Erin said, concerned.

Holly facepalmed.

~~~~~

"This is a projection of the county's needs." Jim said.

"That is...a lot of graphs and charts." Pam said. They were in the conference room together.

"13 schools, 2 hospitals..."

  
ANDY

"This possible account there's talking about is actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna county. If we get it then they won't have to close the branch, and we could work here for...years...and...years."

  
"So when we get to the radison-"

"Oh I changed it. We're um, going to Chili's."

"Excuse me?"

"Well radison just gives off a vibe like hey im doing business at the radison."

Jim bitchfaced her. "We *are* doing business there. Pam you had no right to do this."

"Jim, look, your gonna have to trust me."

"Well I'm your boss Pam, you should trust *me*."

"Jim..." Pam laughed awkwardly. "Maybe don't go all halpert on me."

"*What?*"

Pam looked down and coughed. "Nothing, um, anyways..." She continued to ramble on about why Chili's is a better spot when Michael walked by and laughed at the camera.

HOLLY

* (Holly is holding a computer, reading off of it.)*

"As urban dictionary says, to 'go halpert is to throw a tantrum'-"

*It shows clips of Jim yelling at everyone*

"-usually about or too Pam, or Dwight. Usually about feelings , and with many phrases such as 'kill me' and 'i should have gone to law school' and 'i don't have time for this' and 'this is a business' and of course 'god damn it beasley' (with several eee of course. Really gotta drag out that e.)"

MICHAEL

*Laughing uncontrollably. *

"We put that on there. All her idea...she's so great."

"I just don't understand why you would pick Chili's? This is a business not a hang out with two old friends."

"Actually me and this guy go way back. As do we." Pam said with a smile.

Jim rolled his eyes and bit back a smirk. "We aren't friends.

"Aren't we? I mean we hang out all the time."

"That's-....your mocking me."

"Nooo. I mean everyone here loves you."

Jim bitchfaced her and she grinned happily.

~~~~~

"He-she I mean, found some stuff on my background and had it printed out. She asked me questions line per line." Oscar said.

Holly laughed along with everyone else. She was standing by the wall. Michael walked up to them.

"What are we talking about?"

"Oh, Michael, we were just going through out worse dates."

"Ooooh I win. We actually met on a sale with me an dwight where he ended up insulting her about something, so that wasn't great.... But our um, first date was a movie, and... we got kicked out of the movie because she got drunk and cussed out the family who wanted us to move over. Then we went back to my place and she spent the entire time talking about how badly she wanted to get a boob job even though I kept telling her they were amazing-"

"Wait... when was this?" Holly asked. "I don't remember you telling me about this."

"Oh...it was a long time ago."

"Wait...not Jan." Kelly said, laughing. "Please tell me it's not Jan."

"That definitely sounds like Jan." Kevin said.

Michael awkwardly glanced at the camera and looked down.

  
HOLLY

"I always wondered why Michael refused to go to the movies with Jan, or anywhere with alcohol...interesting." she said with a light smile.

  
"Okay let's do this thing. Wish us luck." Pam said.

"Good luck guys!" Erin said with a bright smile.

"Thank you ....I wanna say eve?" Jim said.

Erin's face fell. "We've known each other for like over a decade-"

"He's kidding honey. Of course he knows your name. It's *on your desk*."

Jim looked around her desk for a second before saying, "Yeah of course I know your name ahrin."

"It's Erin."

Pam laughed. "Oh Jim such a jokester." She stepped on his foot and he winced, which she smiled at. She turned back around to everyone. "Okay guys. Listen up. We will probably be going late so just pack up and go home early-"

"Pam, this shouldn't take more than an hour." Jim said crossly. "Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?"

"No -no...uh, they just don't get any work done if I'm not here to make them-"

Jim gave her a judgemental look and she caught herself.

"No uh, that's...they do *more* work. No....not more. Definitely *not*......um, the same amount of work is done whether I'm here or not."

Jim crossed his arms and bitchfaced her with his eyebrows raised.

She gulped and turned around, "Alright everyone, just, hang tight, and act like I'm still here-"

"But what if someone brings in a delivery and they want you to sign?" Erin said.

"Just....sign for me I guess."

"Also what if I do something bad and I need you to punish me!"

"....Erin why would that-"

"Also what if Dwight does something idiotic like always?" Michael said.

Dwight laughed. "What if Michael pulls another stupid prank-"

"I-" pam said, as a horrified and confused Jim glared at her.

"What if Ryan breaks up with me and I need you to stop me from killing him-"

"You know what! You will all figure it out because you are adults capable of solving your own problems! We good?!"

Everyone immediately protested.

"FANTASTIC!" Pam said, dragging Jim out of the room. "Call if there an absolute absolute absolute emergency. Wait no just call 911." She slammed the door.

Erin looked around in panic. "What now?"

"We have a battle to determine our new leader." Michael said.

"A battle to the death?" Kevin said.

"Probably." Michael said. Stanley bitchfaced him.

"Um, I'm obviously the leader." Dwight said, standing up. "Everyone submit to me. And remember, it's not sexual unless you decide it is."

Holly looked into the camera in a panic.

  
HOLLY  
"Last time Pam left us alone in the office Dwight and Michael made up a whole new religion and tried to sacrifice Dwight. And that was only for like half an hour."

  
~~~~~

"Which way to Chili's?" Jim said.

"Um, not that far, only a couple blocks. You should be able to find it-"

"Or we could just ride together so I don't get lost...and more importantly I don't have to drive."

Pam bitchfaced him. "Fine." She got in the car and Jim made his smug jim-face at the camera and got passengers seat, keeping his smug expression. Pam rolled her eyes.

  
PAM

"Jimmm halpert. He is the human equivalent of the lenny face meme."

  
~~~~

"Remember to let me do the talking." Jim said.

"Oh, because I'm a girl?" Pam said.

"No, because I'm better than you."

Pam made an 'ugh' face.

Jim looked around the car. "Nice car. "

"Thanks it gets the job done." Pam said with a monotone voice.

Jim kept looking around and eventually looked behind him and saw a couple paintings.

"Ohhh my god." He picked it up. "I remember these. Man this one is awesome. It only took you like a week right?"

"Yeah, thanks." She blushed and forced it down when she noticed the camera.

There was silence for a bit.

"So what's the deal?" She said. "Why are you suddenly all serious."

"What do you mean? I'm always serious."

"You show up all the time, just hang around , make dumb jokes, and leave."

Jim laughed. "That's because I don't have to do anything except watch you fair miserably at your job. I only slack off when things are easy."

"Ass." Pam mumbled.

He heard and laughed.

"Still," she said, louder. "That doesn't explain why your so focused on this."

"This client is incredibly important Pam."

Pam raised her eyebrows, impressed. She looked him over. He looked like a proper douche, but more professional. "Hmm. You almost look like a real businessman, and not a kid playing dress up." She smiled, challenging.

He smiled back, equally as challenging and it was dangerous how much she enjoyed it. "And you don't look like a 40 year old mom today Beasley."

They stared at each other's faces for a second untill the moment was over and they pulled into the parking lot.

~~~

Pam and Jim walked in.

"Christian?"

He looked up. "Pam hi." He said with a smile, hugging her.

"Man it's been forever." She said.

"I know! How are you? How's Roy."

She bit her lip ,Jim's eyes went wide, and she looked to the camera for a second. "No uh ...no Roy anymore. We're divorced. But actually I just saw him today. He seems to be doing well."

"Well that's great. Not about the divorce. That sucks. Roy was a good one. It's a shame he-"

"What?!" Jim said. Pam looked at him. "You saw Roy?"

"Uh yeah." She turned back to Christian. "What about you? How have you been?"

"Oh I've been-"

"When and *why* did you see Roy??! Was he at Scranton???!"

"Jim!" She said, turning to him. "Can we not do this now!?" She directed her gaze at Christian, who looked incredibly uncomfortable. She looked back at jim with her eyebrows raised.

Jim looked at him too, then at the camera and he got embarrassed and nodded. She turned back to Christian with a smile.

He nodded awkwardly. He turned to Jim. "Um, how about you, how's Mrs.Karen Halpert?"

"Oh um..she's doing fine. We're divorced now though..."

There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone looked down.

"Wanna get a table?" Pam suggested, breaking the silence. At the same time Christian and Jim said:

"Yep definitely."

"Absolutely I do."

~~~

"I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county."

"Right, well, Lackawanna county has not been ammune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us the name of the game is budget reduction-"

"Awesome blossom!"

Jim turned to her slowly, his face showing a million negative emotions, "...What?"

"I think we share an awesome blossom. I heard they are awesome. Want to share one christian?"

"Sure, sure."

"Okay, it's done. Actually Megan may we have an awesome blossom, extra awesome?" She turned back around and Jim was trying to talk business.

"Um, Christian, how are the kids? How's Cherry?"

His face lit up. "Great. I have some pictures-"

"Awesome." Pam said.

Jim bitchfaced her and she smirked to himself, then at the camera.

PAM

"Look, whether or not Jim thinks so, I do know what I'm doing."

"You know, the same thing happened with Meredith and her son." Pam said.

"No?! "

"Yeah, they had to shut down the school for a couple hours-"

"Pam if your going to tell a story, just *one* story, make it quick." Jim said, he looked positively annoyed.

"Oh shoot...just one...I'd better make it good." Pam said slowly so jim would be annoyed.

~~~

"Dunder Mifflin this is Erin."

"Hi Erin go ask Meredith for her funniest kid story."

Erin stood up and went to Meredith, handing her the phone. "Pam wants to hear your funniest kid stories."

"Sh***t I got a ton of those." Meredith said.

~~~

"No not that one...not that one...that's the one." Pam said, grinning at halpert smugly all the while.

Jim drummed his hands on the desk annoyed.

  
JIM

"Pam ....was much better at sales. No, scratch that. Receptionist was definitely her calling. In fact, Pam shouldnt really do anything in business. She'd make a good mom though. Or a bikini model....don't tell her I said that."

  
PAM

"He said what?!"

  
~~~~~

Holly walked up to Erin's desk." Um, Erin, do you have any extra pencils?"

"Um...yeah I should, but maybe check Pam's desk. She has a lot of good ones."

Holly nodded. She went looking through Pam's desk and saw something very interesting.

She grinned.

She walked up to Michael and threw it down on the desk.

"What is this??" He said.

She said nothing.

He opened it. "Woww! This is wonderful! Is this what I think it is?"

She nodded.

Michael flipped through the pages of the comic book. "This is amazing."

The front cover was Pam as some kind of filmnoir-like agent.

"Is this supposed to be Pam?" Michael said laughing.

"Well obviously but I'm more interested in this."

She flipped through to another page. Michael's eyes grew wide  
"Oh my god ! Pamela Beasley once again you have saved my life. You too holly." He said casually, as an added on thought.

Holly smiled at him like everything was right with the world.

~~~

"And so then he goes 'not today satan'" Pam said in a corny way.

Christian spit out his drink. Jim wiped off droplets from his face. Jim raised his hand. "Can I get a vodka tonic? Large?"

~~~

"Do we all have our copy of threat level midnight by Pam Beasley?" Holly said.

Everyone nodded eagerly.

"Great. I will be reading aloud the action scenes and many descriptions of the characters feelings and Holly of course will play the lead, Catherine zones."

"Oh Pam." Phyllis said with a laugh.

Dwight ran in. "You guys should not be doing this! You have violated Pams personal things!"

"Dwight we love Pam but this is a *comic book* about the *military* and *America* and *superheroes*! We have to read it!" Erin said.

"I am ashamed, and apalled, and -"

"Dwight!" Michael said. "Would you like to play the badass main character?"

Dwight looked at him unable to speak... "Absolutely I do."

"Should we tell him it's a woman?" Erin whispered.

~~~

"You know we would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business." Jim said. "Christian, Dunder Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the company which the warehouse chains just can't match."

"Well, we are most interested in saving money."

"What's the bottom line-"

Pam yelled out a bunch of gibberish.

  
PAM

" We really should have made up a signal...then i wouldn't have had to shout random things like that. So, my bad..."

  
"You know...I was thinking of some baby back ribs..." Pam said with a telling grin.

Jim rubbed his temple. "I don't think Christian has time for that-"

"I have time."

Pam grinned. "I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back-"

"I want my baby back baby back baby back-"

"I want my-"

"Chili's! Baby back ribs-"

Jim led his head fall to the table.

~~~~

Michael read aloud the descriptions, "Inside the FBI, agent Jones sits with her feet up on her desk, she says"

" Assistant red! Get in here!" Holly said

"yes miss Jones?" Phyllis said.

"I was wondering if I got any new messages?"

"I'm not sure, I was goofing off with Michael Scarn and not doing my job."

"Damn it assistant red! I'd have fired you years ago if you had anywhere else to go. Also..."

Michael laughed while reading, "Catherine walked over to the window and gazed outside dramatically."

"If you weren't..." holly paused for dramatic effect. "MY ILLEGITIMATE CHILD !"

Everyone laughed. Ryan looked at Erin then at the camera.

  
RYAN

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure 'assistant red' is supposed to be Erin....Pam's ... definitely got some issues she needs to work out."

"But....then who's my dad....Mom??" Phyllis said through giggles

Michael struggled to control his laughter. "Catherine shed one single tear."

"Your father's name was Troy. He was....brutally murdered by an evil supervillain named goldenface." Holly said dramatically. Michael looked at her proud.

HOLLY

"I have acted before. I was in a production of Shakespeare. I played the corpse. "

"Well if it isn't my robot Butler, Samuel L Chang. You don't look a day over 300" Holly said.

"Thanks for noticing. Now, keep me company for one more mission."

Michael noticed Jan at the doorway and got up to talk to her.

"Jan im so sorry i have to work late." Michael said.

Jan bitchfaced him. "Are you joking?"

"No." Michael said. She sighed and walked away. He sat down happy and continued to read. "Agent Jones takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots. Pow pow pow."

"Oh agent Jones, you are incredible and not at all in need of therapy."

Holly looked at the camera awkwardly.

  
HOLLY

"Is it just me or is this play pretty blatantly about all of us? Also the art on this is like really good. Why did Pam ever stop drawing?"

  
Michael spoke, "A man sitting several seats down, who has a golden face, turns to agent jones." He laughed. "Okay who wants to play golden face? Andy?"

He nodded enthusiastically. Erin smiled at him as he began to speak, "Miss jones, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet."

"Perhaps I would, assistant red, get my luggage."

"I like, totally forgot about it." Phyllis said in a valley girl accent.

"Why is she your assistant? She's terrible?" Andy said.

"Miss Jones shrugged. They boarded the private jet alone, her and goldenface. She knew it was a trap. She knew it was terrible, but she couldn't deny a want, a need, to follow his chaos."

"Do you regret murdering my husband troy?"

"Every day of my life." Andy said dramatically.

"Your a jerk." Holly said.

"And your beautiful."

"Golden face kissed her. She kissed him back. She wrapped his arms around him-"

"Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable?" Ryan said. There was a murmur of agreement.

"Let's just...skip over this...." Michael said.

Holly flipped through the pages. "Okay turn like 10 more pages."

Everyone did.

Andy cleared his throat, "Well miss Jones, that was the best.... sex of my life." He said slightly uncomfortable.

Michael and Erin laughed like kids and holly shushed them.

"Absolutely. Ready for round two jib?"

Erin squinted at the paper. "Wait jib, who's Jib?"

Holly and Michael looked at each other with wide eyes.

  
MICHAEL AND HOLLY AND ERIN

"Okay, here's what we think happened."  
Michael said, they were both grinning really wide.  
" There's like, this character named golden face who like, murdered agent Jones fiance or husband or whatever-" Erin said.

"And he's like, such an *sshole but there's like a weird sexual tension between them." Holly said.

"Right, and we think it was that he was supposed to be Jim, but she changed it in case anyone saw. Like, the words on the paper are printed out and pasted into speech bubbles she drew. She used a search and replace." Erin said.

"But that doesn't work on misspelled words." Michael said, his face red from laughing.

Erin looked into the camera like she was sharing the most important information of all time, "And so it left behind...one Jim."  
  
"We won't tell anyone, but I think everyone can pretty much tell." Holly said with a guilty smile.

"That's it! I'm out!" Dwight said.

"Oh Dwight come on!" Michael said.

"I will not make disrespect Pam this way! She is my superior! She is our superior! Who are we to criticize her if she's having weird sexual fantasies about halpert? Who hasn't-"

Ryan looked at the camera in judgemental confusion.

"Well we don't know for sure it's about jimbo-" Michael said.

"For once don't be an ass Michael. If anyone wants to join me on the roof so I can light some fireworks and make a real show, let me know!" He ran out.

Michael bit his lip in guilt.

"Actually that does sound fun." Erin said.

"We could just take a break." Holly offered.

"Okay, everyone up on the roof for an intermission!" Erin said.

They all got up.

"You hungry?" Holly said.

"Yeah." Michael said. "I could eat a horse."

"Please don't." Holly said with a smile.

~~~~

"So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep my promise that I made to her, and take care of her."

Jim looked like he wished for death as he sipped his alcoholic beverage.

Pam was holding Christian's hand, "That must have been hard."

"Yeah it was. Okay my turn. Truth or Dare, Jim or Pam, talk about your breakups."

Jim and Pam looked at each other.

Pam started saying, "Well I don't think-"

"It's all good. This can't get any weirder. Me and Karen just...weren't connecting. And then...I kissed someone else..."

Pam looked down at her drink and then looked anywhere other than Christian or Jim.

"Nothing came of it." Jim glanced at her for half a second. "But it did cause some damage in her life, and I've regretted it ever since. And of course, I had to tell Karen...she didn't take it well ...and here we are. Oh, also she didn't want kids so it wouldn't have worked out anyways."

Christian sipped his drink. "Wow....what about you Pam?"

Pam fiddled with her straw. "Um...some guy kissed me, and i kissed him back, and Roy saw, and attacked him, and was banned from Scranton, and broke up with me. Of course given the violent way he acted I doubt I would have stayed with him for much longer. At the very least I'd have needed a break."

Jim and Pam avoided eye contact and sipped their drinks.

"Dang...your lifes are like a soap opera. My biggest problem with my love life is when Cherry wanted to get a dog."

Pam and Jim laughed awkwardly.

"But for the record I think both of you were brave. You went after your feelings and trusted your heart. You slit your rists and said this is my blood! So love me-"

Jim and Pam shared a judgemental and confused stare at him.

~~~~

HOLLY

"I um...had plans to rewatch downtown Abby tonight."

*It shows a clip of her making grilled cheese sandwiches. And Michael getting things from the vending machine*

"But this is cool too. I'm not a complainer." She smiled wide.

  
~~~

Holly and Michael sat on the rooftop in the dark.

Holly lit a candle. "For the bugs."

"Nicee."

"We're gonna need it. Because...bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwiches." She said, pulling them out.

"Awesome." He said , biting into it.

"I can't remember the last time someone made me something, I'm usually the one cooking for everyone." Michael said.

Holly smiled to herself.

In the distance Dwight and Erin danced around their fireworks, looking content with themselves. And for a second everything was perfect.

~~~~

"Really?" Christian said to Pam.

Jim stood between them and looked utterly done with life.

"Absolutely." Pam said. " I was born here, i grew up here, and I'm probably gonna die here too. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, how many schools we have, it's home you know. I know the challenges this county's up against. And here's the thing about those discount suppliers, they don't care..."

Jim perked up, suddenly paying attention.

"Here's the thing about those discount suppliers, they don't care. They come in here, and they undercut everything, and they run us out of business-" Jim looked between Pam and Christian, suddenly focused on the conversation. "-and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices."

"I know."

"It's bad.

"It's terrible."

"You know what it really is..."

Jim started to say something but Pam shook her head no.

"I dunno, I guess I could give you guys our business, but you gotta meet me halfway, because they're expecting me to make cuts."

"Well uh, corporates gonna go ballistic but, you think we could, Jim?"

Jim's suprised face slowly turned into a geniune and proud smile.

~~~

"So I guess I'll see you in...10 hours." Michael said with a laugh.

"What are you gonna do with your time off?" Holly said.

"Hm...save the country, start a revolution maybe...join a circus."

Holly laughed and pulled out her phone.

"You have new music?" Michael said.

She nodded. They each took an earbud and sort of swayed as the music filled the air.

~~~~

"See you."

"Drive safe."

"We did it bbbeasley!" Jim said.

"I know!"

"Ugh you were amazing!" He hugged her.

"I know I am." She said. She wasn't thinking as she wrapped her hands around him and awkwardly kissed him. It wasn't even a kiss really. It was a slight brush of lips. Not like last time. It was barely a whisper of a kiss. His lips were chapped and cold and familiar.

They stared at each other, and didn't speak.  
Jim pulled her back in for another kiss, a deeper more romantic kiss, wrapping his hands in her hair. And this was different, this was more familiar.

When they pulled apart their noses were still touching, cold and sensitive in the wind.

Jim looked around for the camera. He couldn't find it.

"Come on." Pam said, grabbing him by the hand.

"Where are we going?" He said.

She got into the drivers seat.

"Doesn't matter. We are going to the go-go." He mumbled, drunk and giggly as she got into the seat next to her.

The drive felt like a dream. As Jim gave her directions to his house, he kept glancing at Pam like he'd just won the lottery.

Pam kept glancing at Jim like he was a big mistake she was about to make, a big wonderful mistake.

Both were right.

~~~

"This is your house?" Pam said. "It's..." She nearly fell over giggling as Jim caught her. "It's small. You can afford a much bigger house."

"I like being humbled by it." Jim said, as they walked in. "Besides, look." He gestured to the wall. It was a landscape.

"My painting!" Pam said, giddy. "You kept it!" She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. He smiled into it, wrapping his arms around her. It lasted for a bit before Pam pulled away with a smack to his head.

"Let's go!" She giggled. "Where's your bedroom?"Jim stuttered. She laughed. "What did you think was gonna happen here?"

"I mean I knew I just...it's one thing to picture it and another too-"

Pam playfully slapped him again. "Dummy."

"Beassleeey." He said happily. He slapped her back gently. He led her by the hand to his bedroom. This was good, Pam thought. This is how it was before, how it should have stayed....

She pulled him into another kiss when they got there. He tried to hoist her up around him and she wrapped her legs around him as they stumbled onto the bed.

~~~

They'd been kissing for longer than Pam cared for. They were lying down next to each other.

*"Come on."*

Jim giggled into her mouth. "Patience Beasley."

She grumbled and kissed him again, she accidentally bit his lip a bit too hard.

He pulled back and laughed. "Oww."

"Sorry..." She tried to kiss him again and he pulled away slowly.

"Um..."

She tilted her head in confusion.

"Maybe...we shouldn't."

"Chickening out on me?"

He blushed. "I want too, obviously, but..."

"But what Jim?"

"Maybe it's a bad idea."

"Of course it's a bad idea." Pam said, fiddling with his hair. When he didn't say anything she kissed him again, they rolled around untill Pam was on her back and Jim accidentally knocked over something from his cabinet.

He grunted in annoyance and bent down to pick it up. He laughed.

"What?"

He pulled a bottle of wine from the floor. "I was gonna drink this alone tonight." He said sheepishly.

Pam laughed.

~~~~~

They were watching a game and drinking out out of glasses next to each other.

"Pam?"

"Yeah?"

"Sometimes I make up excuses to go see Karen. Is that weird?"

"...no Jim, it's not. I used to do that with Roy."

They were silent for a bit.

"....You said you saw Roy."

"What?"

"At the meeting with Christian, you said you saw him earlier today."

"...Yeah he just, came by to drop some paintings off."

"Is that why they were in the car?"

"Yeah."

There was another silence.

"You were really good you know, why'd you ever stop?"

"I...haven't really felt like it since Roy...broke up with me. I dunno."

"Still love him?" Jim slurred, they were both incredibly drunk.

"...yeah. Obviously. Don't you still love Karen?"

"..........I don't know. Maybe not in that way anymore."

There was a much longer uncomfortable silence.

Jim pushed his lips up to hers roughly, they set down their glasses and Pam wrapped her arms around him. They fell over onto their sides. There was pushing and pressing of lips and teeth and tongue. Pam had him on his back, kissing him onto the bed, his mattress creeked and he panted into her mouth in-between kisses, his hands in her hair. Eventually one of his hands made its way down to her shirt, tugging. She got the message. She took it off as he took off his own shirt, and then he wrapped his arms around her, unhooking her bra in the back, slowly pulling it out from in-between them as they kissed. Pam whined from the friction and Jim rubbed his hand gently between them, causing more friction, she paused from kissing to rest his forehead against his.

"Jim...*Jim*."

"Mmm."

They kissed for a bit more, slower, untill Pam noticed he stopped kissing back. She pulled back to look at him quizzically and realized he'd passed out from exhaustion.

She sighed, not mad or sad, just accepting with annoying they would not be going any further.

She fell back on top of him and fell asleep to the breathing of his chest.

~~~~

Dwight , having slept in the office overnight, got up out of his make shift tin foil bed. He looked around groggily and went into Pam's office.

"Pam?" He saw no one.

"Pam didn't come last night. I should check the accident reports." He looked out the window and saw someone pull up out of a taxi.

"Who is this?"

Jim got out and went to his car. He looked around guilty, then up at Dwight and the camera, he looked incredibly offput as he got into his car.

Dwight looked at the camera in shock.

  
~~~~

Pam walked into the office with forced confidence.

"Morning Erin." She said, walking into her office and shutting the door.

PAM

"No. Absolutely not. No. And if it did it's not...any of your business. Not that it did no..." The operator told her something and she blushed. "Oh...you saw then. Well yeah okay fine something happened but I don't wanna go into it at all." The camera zoomed in on Pam's face. "Well I guess you won't leave till I say. But you can't tell anyone." The operator nodded and it showed the camera going up and down. "We ...we went back to his motel and um....did some stuff but we didn't go all the way." She said the last part quickly. "But that's all! And then, we mostly just talked about our terrible marriages. Then we fell asleep on our sh***ty hotel bed and I can not believe you guys are making me talk about this! Get out!"

~~~

Pam took off her suit jacket and put it on the rack. Dwight walked in, mad.

"Hello Dwight." She said as she turned around. "What can I do for you." She took a sip of her coffee.

"Did he do you?"

She doubled over and did a spit take.

"What????!....Who?"

"Jim! Did Jim halpert do you?!"

Pam sat down. "Um, I don't know what your talking about Dwight."

"Please. I saw halpert in the morning, wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday. Just like you. Also you reek of self loathing and his terrible cologne."

Pam blushed and went through some papers. "Dwight even if something happened it is none of your business."

"So it did?"

"That's..." Her and Dwight made awkward eye contact. He raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms.

"He is your boss! This is flagrant sexual assault."

"Do you even know what that word means? And it was not sexual assault Dwight i kissed him and we were both drunk!"

Dwight smirked. "So he did do you."

"Get out." She said with less force than intended.

"He is your boss Pam! What the hell were you thinking? Do you want to loose your job?! I swear to God I'm gonna kick his ass-"

"You will not! And in case your forgetting I am *your* boss Dwight and you are *really* treading a thin line right now so go back to your seat and stay out of my personal affairs."

Her and Dwight made tense eye contact.

"Look, it was a mistake, and it won't happen again. Thanks for looking out for me but I really don't want to talk about it."

"Just be careful." He mumbled before he walked out.

Pam groaned into her hands.

~~~

"Hey Michael." Holly said, walking over to reception to see him talking to Erin, both of them excited. "Is there some hot gossip I'm missing out on?"

"Jan didn't come back from her car last night!" Erin whisper shouted.

"What?!" Holly said, with a horrified, disgusted, and confused grin.

"Could it be our very own Jimbo halpert finally got his hands on our beloved Pamela Beasley? Has our leader and loyal protector taken on a new lover?" Michael said cheekily.

Holly playfully smacked Michael on the arm while they all giggled to themselves. Dwight bitchfaced them from his desk.

  
DWIGHT

"I don't see what's so funny about this. Jim halpert is a menace and I don't care what Pam says, I will definitely exact my revenge at some point."

  
Dwight stood in the hallway, alone, making a call.

"Hello?" Jim said.

"Did you do her???"

"Dwight...no I ...i refuse to talk about it-"

"Did you intentionally get her drunk?"

"No of course not and we were *both* drunk!"

"You know I could have you put on trial for statutory rape. I will not stand for this flagrant abuse of power-"

Jim groaned. "It was not rape. And just try it. It will follow Pam around forever and control her life . Also it wasn't rape or abuse of power! She initiated it!"

" I swear to God halpert if you slipped her something-"

"I did not slip her anything!"

~~~

JIM (Outside by his car)

"Um....well I guess there's no denying it since if your asking you already know. Yeah we did, but she initiated! Also I wanna be very clear i respect her as.... a...strong independent woman. And I fully acknowledge that it was a mistake on my part for accepting . Also I don't condone sexual relations in the workplace, even though I have had sex in the workplace-" he said this with a grin but it quickly faded away "-but never with another co-worker or subordinate. " He fiddled with his suir. "Also I refuse to enclose any details of the sexual encounter if that's what your after.....Please don't sue me. Can I go now?"

~~~

Michael and Holly and Erin were still laughing outside.

"You know it really was a day of love yesterday. Some might even say you and holly had your first date." Erin joked.

Michael and Holly looked at each other then blushed.

"Um, no." Holly said. "That's not-"

"Why-" Michael tried to lean on the desk casually and nearly fell over "Wh-why might some say that?"

"Well because there was dinner, by candlelight."

Michael and Holly nodded awkwardly, forcing smiles.

"Oh! And there was fireworks, also I saw you guys swaying outside, so basically dancing too."

"Well not-" holly said.

"It wasn't really dancing." Michael said. "I don't think anyone would think it was. And besides me holly didn't even act like she was on a date."

Holly laughed awkwardly, slightly offended. "What uh, what do you mean by that?"

The smile slipped off of Erin's face and she began to look concerned. "Guys I was just joking-"

Michael noticed she looked offended and tried for an awkward smile. "No no not in a bad way, you were just very casual and chill. Your like...my sister. Besides who brings grilled cheese sandwiches to a date?" He said good naturedly.

Holly laughed and Michael laughed and she, also good naturedly, said, "At least I didn't get drunk and get you kicked out a movie."

Michael stopped laughing and looked down, slightly offended and hurt. "I have um...a lot of work to do." He walked back to his seat.

"Oh Michael come on I didn't mean..."

He ignored her.

Erin winced. "Sorry ..wanna talk about it?"

Holly bitchfaced her. "I'm good thanks." She walked away into the kitchen

Erin looked at the camera in guilt.

  
HOLLY

"No of course it wasn't a date...it's not a date if the guy goes home to his wife and kid..."

~~~~~~~

Pam walked into the kitchen and splashed some water on her face, taking a moment to take a deep breath and let the cold water calm her. She sighed and filled her mug with more coffee. She took a couple sips. She looked around and saw Holly was also drinking coffee at the kitchen table, alone.  
Pam sat down across from her and sighed, running her fingers through her hair.

Holly looked up and they made eye contact. She gave Pam a sort of half smile. A shrug. She said nothing but really she didn't have to. She got what she meant across.

Pam shrugged back with another half smile , in acceptance of her empathy.

•°•°•°••°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°°•°•°•

"Erin could I see you in my office?" Pam said.

Erin nodded.

  
ERIN  
"Last year my performance review was...well I didn't enjoy it. I spent the entire time getting a detailed description of everything I'd done wrong. I imagine it's similar to dying and having to answer to god would feel..."

~~

"Pam?"

"Yeah Erin?"

"We've been sitting here for like five minutes and you haven't said a word."

She blushed. "Sorry um, I'm kinda distracted."

Erin looked aound and noticed some flowers by the desk.

"What are those?"

Pam blushed. "Your performance has been satisfactory. You may go now."

Erin tilted her head quizzically. "Pam I feel like there's some hot gossip your not telling me."

Pam sighed.

PAM

"Today is gonna be a weird day. My boss, Jim halpert, is coming over today to discuss performance reviews. It's a little awkward because...we haven't really seen each other since..."

*It shows them kiss.*

"Okay you know what, I'm not ashamed. I'll talk about it. We kissed, got caught up in the moment and so on and so forth. We did not have sex though. Not all the way. Um-" she was now blushing " I assumed that would be the end of it, but..." Pam reached underneath her desk and pulled out a bouquet of flowers." She looked at the camera quizzically. "I mean...what?"

  
Erin grinned wide. "Are those from Jim?"

"You know, I think we should really be focusing on you right now."

"Oh. My. God. He sent you flowers!"

"Erin I am giving you 5 seconds to get out."

Erin scoffed. "That's not-"

"*Five four three*-"

Erin gulped and ran out.

Pam facepalmed.

~~~

"Hey Dwight here's a tip for your performance review." Michael said, holding back a laugh.

Dwight looked up annoyed. "Yeah Michael?"

Michael smiled. "Make sure to ask Pam to restock more...paper airplanes."

Dwight sighed. "Michael this is a paper company, not a paper airplane company. You couldn't think of a better lie? Like, manilla file folders or something?"

Michael scoffed and laughed. "Pshhhhh of course they're real Dwight. You should just...bring it up." Michael smirked at the camera.

Dwight groaned. "I never thought I'd say this but sometimes I miss halpert."

~~~~~~

*"Pam, it's Jim, I guess I missed you. I'll be here this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it understood that will be our only topic of discussion."*

Pam played the message. Then again, then again.

"Um Pam?"

Pam jolted up, startled. "Phyllis??? How long have you been standing there?"

"For about the last 5 times you re-played that message." Pam blushed and tucked her hair behind her ear. "You said to come in here for my performance review?"

Pam bit her lip, then smiled. "Right. Of course. Come in Phyllis."

Phyllis sat down. "So, why were you replaying Jim's message? Also why are their flowers on your desk?"

Pam cringed for several seconds to herself and then said. "Maybe we should just focus on your performance review."

Phyllis nodded." Sure of course. But it might help to do some girl talk about this." Phyllis smiled suggestively and Pam glances at the camera as if to say *kill me*.

"I think I'm good."

~~~~

"So...Pam, why are there flowers on your desk?" Ryan said, slightly mocking.

"I'm just gonna put these away." Pam mumbled, then louder said, "No reason! Um...let's get to your performance review-"

"Okay, but it might help to have a guys perspective on this."

Pam stared at him for several hateful seconds before sighing in defeat.

"Okay fine."

Ryan smirked at the camera.

  
RYAN  
"I'm kind of like a relationship expert. "

PAM  
"I guess getting advice from a d-bag about another d-bag is my only option at this point."

  
*"Pam, it's Jim. I guess I missed you. I'll be here this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it is understood that will be our only topic of discussion."*

"So, what do you think?"

"Hmmm....It's tough to say."

"I don't...look, I thought this was it, then he sends me flowers? And this voicemail? I mean, he's definitely not ugly but...it's *Jim*. "

"You want my opinion? I think the guy is like, madly in love with you or something."

Pam groaned and Ryan looked confused at her negative reaction. "Oh god really?"

"I thought you'd be happy-"

"It's *Jim*!" She groaned into her hands. "Now I'm in a terrible mood!" She took them off her face and stiffened up. "Alright on to your performance review."

Ryan looked at the camera in panic before forcing a fake laugh.

She looked at him confused. "What?"

"You thought I was being serious? Oh Pam, I was kidding. I mean clearly he doesn't like you at all and just sent the flowers as a formality."

"Really? You think?" Pam said, hopeful.

"Well yeah. Obviously. I mean it's Jim."

Pam laughed , slightly assured. "Right."

Ryan nodded in fake concern. "Maybe try playing it again."

Pam nodded.

  
RYAN

"It's really all about my bonus."

~~~

Pam ran out. "Okay Andy , your turn."

He grinned at the camera and stood up.

  
ANDY

"I *love* performance reviews. I mean it's basically a performance *by me* being judged by her. I mean, like a show! It's awesome. It's like the good old days back at Cornell. Or in theater. I just love having an audience. Also...I hold up really well to scrutiny." He said the last thing with forced confidence.

  
"Pam Jim called!" Erin said with wiggling suggestive eyebrows. Pam looked into the camera in panic and closed her door on Andy. "Andy your performance was completely satisfactory!"

Andy's smile fell comically.

~~~

Pam breathed in a deep breath and answered the phone, then leaned back in forced casualness. "Wassup Jimbo." She cringed at herself for a second, then continued. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Um...Erin called me several times telling me you had urgent business you needed to discuss with me."

Pam bitchfaced the camera. "Um, no, that's nothing. Erin's just being nosy."

"Nosy about what?"

"Well you know...our whole thing-"

"Pam, let me stop you right there. I thought I made it clear today is strictly about business."

Pam frowned. "Yeah I know I was just saying-"

"Pam I hope I can count on you to be professional-"

"Jim I'm not the one being unprofessional right now!"

"Oh how am I being unprofessional pam?"

"You sent me flowers!"

"That was just a formality."

"A *formality*?! In what way is this a formality?!"

"It-"

"Look Jim I just want you to know that I want you to forget whatever you think may have happened between us-"

"Pam it's already forgotten! I don't want to discuss this at all!"

"I think your just using this whole thing as an excuse to come and see me." Pam said with an annoyed smirk. "You want closure."

There was a silence. "No. No we will not be discussing any of that Pam. Try and be professional."

"Your the one who sent me flowers! That's the unprofessional thing!"

"How on Earth is it unprofessional to sent your boss flowers?!"

"It is if you send them the day after you get to second base with her!" She cringed at how loud she had shouted and hoped no one heard.

"Now that was unprofessional." Jim said. Pam could hear the humor in his voice.

"YOUR UNPROFESSIONAL YOU WALKING BEACHBOY STEREOTYPE WITH JUSTIN BEIBER HAIR!" She hung up the phone and groaned into her hands. She looked at the camera. "*Am i wrong or is he a major asshole!? I mean what a $&@#&$##&"

~~~~

"I heard they had sex." Kelly said to Ryan.

"Oh they definitely have. Probably multiple times before this too."

~~~

"You think big tuna really went to pound town on her?" Andy said, smiling wide at her.

"Definitely." Erin said, grinning wide at him back, both of them were staring at each other like they were the only two people in the room.

"Hmmm...must be strange having sex with a co-worker. I mean something like that is bound the change everything." Andy said, then blushed and looked down away from Erin.

Erin didn't smile or frown and instead just looked at his mouth for a second before flicking up to his eyes. "Not necessarily."

Andy looked at her wide eyed.

"I mean for Jim and Pam. This probably won't change anything for them. I'm talking about Jim and Pam."

"Well yeah, I mean who else would you be talking about."

Both of them were now blushing furiously.

~~~

"I heard they had had ****** sex."

"Ugh." Oscar gagged. "But I mean probably. I heard they were having an affair with each other before. Pam was cheating on Roy, Jim was chatting on karen-"

"Office relationships are no one's business but their own. Whether either of them were sleeping together, or at one point having an affair, it's none of our business."

"Affairs?" Oscar said, looking into the camera with a judgemental expression.

Angela blushed and looked down. Kevin side-glanced the camera suggestively.

~~~~

Holly was talking to Erin by reception when Jim walked in wearing a black dress suit.

Erin looked at the camera suggestively for a second.

"Would you tell Pam I'm here?" Jim said.

"Sure. Did you bring more flowers?" Erin said but Holly spoke over her so Jim didn't hear.

"Jim did you dye your hair?!" She glared at a not sorry erin.

"Uh...no."

Pam walked out of her office. "Jim. Good to see you!"

He walked up to her. "Hey good to see you."

He went in for a hug and she went in for a hand shake. They awkwardly paused and Jim went in for a handshake and she went in for a hug. They met in the middle with an awkward bro- hug complete with a pat on the back.

"We should go inside you office." Jim said, looking around at everyone staring.

Pam nodded and they shut the door.

Jim took off his black coat-jacket to reveal a white color shirt underneath. "It's uh, nice to see you."

Pam raised an eyebrow and started to say something.

"Not -not in that way."

"I knew that." Pam said, flustered.

"Alright I think I need to make something very clear." Jim said. "I am only here to discuss dunder mifflin business. That will be our only topic of discussion. Got it?"

Pam snuck and annoyed look at the camera and nodded.

  
PAM

"I actually am a little confused because, I mean, what the heck?? It's like, I'm gonna send you flowers, but say nothing about it. And we can only talk business, but I'm gonna keep bringing it up. Also, why is he trying to act like this meant absolutely nothing to him??? It's not that it meant anything romantic but I don't see the point in acting like nothing happened! Not that I care, I dont. I don't like Jim at all. Hes...annoying and conceited. Also, again. I don't appreciate how he's trying to pretend it didn't happen. I'm not ashamed. Im an independent single woman who fooled around and it shouldn't be a forbidden topic. Also-"

"So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews ?"

"Oh no I finished those up. Actually we were just about to head into a meeting but we can wait till you leave."

"No I think I'd like to sit in on this. "

Pam bitchfaced him for several seconds. She forced a smile and gritted out through her teeth. "Fine."

Jim smiled smug at the victory.

~~~

"Alright everyone, Jim is going to be here observing the suggestion meeting I had scheduled a while back, so just pay him no mind." Pam said. Jim sat in the seat closest to the window.

"Is it 'cause your worried hes gonna go sleep with someone else?" Kevin said. Angela stepped on his foot.

Jim and Pam stuttered incoherently for a second before Pam got out the words, "No Kevin. That is completely false. Now, onto business, where's....the suggestion box?"

Erin ran in. "Sorry I'm late, I was preparing a statement for you." She handed Pam the box and sat down.

"A statement? Why would I need a statement?"

"Because you had...the horizontal mombo-" Jim facepalmed are Pam's eyes grew twice their size "-with Jim, and what if he tries to sue?"

"For the last time, we did not-" Pam tried to say.

"Um, actually, if anything Pam would sue Jim." Oscar said. "Since she is the girl, and he is the boss ."

"Like a double jeapordy situation." Dwight agreed.

"Me and Jim did not even get that far!" Pam said, then cringed. Jim blushed. Kevin side-glanced the camera suggestively. "Also Oscar that is incredibly sexist."

"It's just the way these things work Pam."

"It's true, me and Angela had sex on the first date and she tried to sue me and nearly succeeded-" Andy said, Angela stepped on him.

"ANDY!"

Erin looked down awkwardly.

"What?! It was forever ago."

"Don't air our dirty laundry!"

"What does laundry have to do with this?"

Pam and Jim looked like they both were on the verge of a mental collapse.

"Oh, Pam, we should probably have discussed this privately but if you guys are in a relationship you will need to disclose it to me." Holly said. "Angela and Andy didn't and it was a nightmare to deal with once I found out."

Jim and Pam both looked at each other in panic. "Oh we're not-"

"Wait why didn't you guys disclose it to h.r.?" Phyllis said.

"She didn't want anyone to know. Not because she was ashamed of me of course, but because she wanted it to be special and just ours without all the drama." Andy said with a grin. Angela looked like she was ready to throw herself out of a window and everyone looked at Andy in pity.

  
"Okay, everyone!" Jim said. "I don't know what...Angela and Andys' whole weird thing is about, frankly it doesn't make sense and seems forced, but anyways, me and Pam are not in a relationship."

"Yes, exactly! And stop asking about the details!"

"Yeah guys, I would appreciate it if you guys would stop trying to humiliate her."

Pam whipped around to face him. "What?"

He looked at her confused.

"Why just me? Wouldnt you be embarrassed?"

"Uh...."

"Is it because I'm the girl and it's more acceptable for guys?"

"No Pam it's...okay maybe that's part of it but are you saying you want people to know about the details?"

"Obviously not! But only because we work together and it's none of their business, not because I'm embarrassed of being a woman who sort of had a one night stand!"

Jim looked taken aback. "That's not..."

Everyone looked at each other like they were watching an awesome soap opera..

Pam turned around and faced everyone. "You all wanna know so badly? Fine. He took me back to his house. We were drunk. We kissed a lot and talked about our divorces and there was some chest stuff, I took off my bra-"

Ryan stared at her with an open mouth. Everyone was pretty much gaping at her, if they weren't facepalming or cringing, except for Erin, who looked weirdly proud, and like she didn't understand what was happening, and Kevin, who looked like he was enjoying it a little too much. And of course Michael and Holly giggled to each other quietly.

Jim looked ready to die. "Pam! Do you honestly think this is the best course of action?! Is this how you run all your meetings?"

"Well no, we get a lot done with you not here Jim. I guess you just bring the soap opera drama." Dwight said.

"I don't bring the soap opera drama Dwight."

Everyone murmered in disagreement.

Jim threw up his arms. "This is...this is unbelievable! Pam! I need a word with you alone!"

Jim gets agitated, annoyed, upset, and uncomfortable very often, but rarely is he ever mad. So when Jim gets mad, everyone shuts up. When Jim gets mad, the world grinds to a stop.

When Jim gets mad Pam knows she's fucked up.

~~~~

Jim and Pam argued in her office with their blinds closed.

"Look Jim I'm sorry-"

"What the hell Pam?! I mean why-"

"Look I was just upset because you were trying to pretend like nothing happened-"

"Ughh Pam we can't-"

"I'm not saying I want a relationship with you but I think it's silly to not acknowledge it!"

"I assumed you wouldn't!"

"I didn't untill you were all weird about trying not to hurt my feelings or embarrass me like I'm a fragile little girl or this is the 1960s!"

"I....I just wanted to have a professional meeting!"

"I did too Jim! I was completely content to let this go untill you, well *sent me flowers* for one-"

"Again with the flowers thing! It was a formality!"

"What the hell kinda formality is that?! "

"I don't know I was tryna be nice!"

"It wasn't nice Jim! It was weird! Do you send that to all the girls you do stuff with??!"

Jim groaned. "Pammm. I just....I mean...I'm sorry."

Pam stopped and stared at him.

"I mean-"

"Shut up Jim." She said , but it wasn't mean, it was soft. They stared at each other's mouths for a second when Dwight interrupted by walking in, ceasing the moment with his dwightness.

"I don't mean to interrupt but I was wondering if I could talk about getting a raise? Maybe the three of us? Perhaps we could go to the antler lodge and get some deer. It's an aphrodisiac, so you guys can...you know."

Pam looked down embarrassed and Jim cringed into his hand. "Okay, here what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna walk outside for 10 minutes to collect myself, then I'll be back."

"That's fair." Pam nodded glumly.

Jim pushed Dwight aside.

"What's his problem? He acts more like the girl than you do."

Pam considered this and offered a nod of agreement.

JIM

"Look, maybe I could have handled things better. I mean, the flowers were probably a bad move. I guess I was tryna get across a *sorry we almost banged , I respect you a lot and I hope this doesn't interfere with our business* kinda vibe but I guess it gave off more of a *hi I'm a creepy guy who's upset we didn't bang and I wanna keep making this weird for you* kinda vibe. Maybe it was the flower choice." Jim pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. "Shoulda gone with orchids." He said making his dorky Jim face before taking a smoke. The operator said something. "Wait we're not allowed to smoke here? Since when?"

~~~~

Jim stood outside his car, smoking, frantic, agitated.

~~~~

"Well I guess now we know way more than we ever needed too about the details of Jim and Pam. Apparently it's only a second base situation." Holly said with a laugh.

Michael laughed too. "Well, thanks for the visual holly. To be honest, it's not a bad one."

Holly playfully punched him. "Ewww."

"I'm just saying. I mean are we just supposed to pretend they're not gorgeous?" Michael said with a wide joking smile.

Holly laughed loudly. "Well i guess you'd better call jan, meet up with them and have a four-way." They both nearly doubled over laughing. Angela watched them with a judgemental sigh as she went to get something from the vending machine.

~~~

"How would you even come back from that." Andy said to Erin, as they gossiped over the events that just occurred.

"Getting to second base?" Erin said with a mocking smile.

"I meant anything like that in general, like, between two friends."

"Well, I think you could actually." Erin said. "The problem is that they arent friends."

Andy chuckled. "That's true! I mean, they're Jim and Pam. Whatever they have is more complex than a friendship but not anything like a relationship. So if two actual friends really hooked up then it would be fine."

Andy and her made eye contact for a second and Andy looked away blushing. "Well, they'd probably feel guilty about it afterwards, I dunno, I mean, wasnt he married ?"

"Well , I mean-"

"And wasnt she engaged?"

"Well...yes," Erin stood up to fill up her drink at the water cooler. "Well yeah, but, they obviously had like, this strong pull to each other. Maybe banging it out and calling it a day would have prevented all of this. Maybe ... It wasn't a mistake."

Andy looked deep in thought as he walked over to get a mug from the cabinet above Erin while she filled up her cup. "I guess you could be right. Cheating is definitely wrong though." Andy said, awkwardly waiting for Erin to be done filling up the mug.

"Definitely...." Erin said, looking down as her mug slowly filled up. It wasn't a rejection, not in so many words, but it was close enough.

"But...I mean if something already happened..." Andy offered. "And...if Jim and Karen were unhappy and only staying with each other out of convenience, and Jim was pretty sure Karen was cheating on him anyways...."

Erin turned to move but was startled by how close her and Andy were. She didn't move though.

"You might have a point..."

~~~~~

Jim came back in to get his coat. "Have a good night Pam, I'll talk to you over the phone about business."

He looked absolutely wrecked. Pam felt guilty. She ran after him. "Oh come on Jim!"

She followed him out into the hallway and to the elavator and everyone could hear every word.

"Jim I'm sorry."

"It's fine Pam."

"No it's not! I just, I was mad."

"Why on Earth were you mad?"

"I just ...I felt like you weren't being considerate of how I felt."

"Well I'm sorry, but that's literally all I've been trying to do. The problem is I don't know how you feel Pam, we only really talk about anything when we argue."

Pam looked at him sadly as he pressed the elavator button. He was about to get inside before Pam stopped him, her hand grazing his shoulder for a second as she reached for the elevator door to keep it open.

"I just ...I just wanna know why." She mumbled. "Why'd you do it?"

"You kissed me Pam."

"The first time. The first time we kissed."

"Can you tell me why you kissed me yesterday?"

There was a silence.

Jim smiled sadly and pushed her arm off. "I can't either. Your an incredible person Pam, but I think we should keep it professional. We can still be friends but...we can't keep doing this."

"I agree." Pam said, once again biting back her emotions. People never really change...

The door to the elavator closed, along with the metaphorical door to a million words unsaid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh. Sorry for the slight smut if that's not your thing. Jim/Pam is lovely when done right so I hope I did them justice and kept it in character.(well even though these au versions act different). Also Michael/holly ☺️. Also I'd like to know if anyone can guess what's up with Andy and Erin ?


	10. Email survalence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael has noticed something strange about Erin and Andy, and is determined to find out if his suspicions are correct. Pam feels rejected after not getting invited to a party thrown by holly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a bit longer, hope you enjoy :) (sorry it isn't as long as the other chapters)

Pam was in her office holding a coffee cup, hair loose and curly and wearing one of her favorite pants suits, staring up at Erin in mind judgement as she rambled about something when Erin stopped talking because she noticed someone walking outside.

"Pam who's that? I've never seen him here before."

Pam rolled over to the window and looked out.

"Oh god."

She ran outside to see chaos and groaned.

  
PAM  
"Do you know how long it takes us to find IT guys? No one wants the job. They take one look at the place and the things we have on our computers and vanish. Rightfully so, but I mean, momma's gotta eat so I wish they wouldn't... Don't tell anyone I called myself momma."

  
" Erin! What are you doing?!*

"Trying to see how long I can balance a bowl of cereal on my head-"

"I can see that! Stop it!"

Erin sighed and put it down, looking at it longingly as if she wished it were still on her head.

Pam turned to holly, who was standing by Michael's desk. "Holly, why are you hear? Why are you always here?! H.r. is in another room! "

Holly looked at Michael, both of them slightly amused by Pam's outburst. She stood up and brushed herself off. "I was just, talking about work-"

"Mmmhhhmm, well you can find even better looking "work" on your computer!"

Holly blushed and Michael did too.

Pam waved her arms. "Go!" Holly ran out.

"Dwight what are you doing to the copier!?"

Dwight was taking it apart.

"Well Pam, the copier wasn't working, so I elected to fix it."

"Dwight?! " She pulled the screw driver away. "We can't afford a new copier! You gotta hit it several times!" She shut the lid thing he screwed off and hit the copier several times. "Now try!"

Pam walked over to accounting because she heard suspicious laughs.

Kevin and Oscar were laughing at a picture.  
Pam grabbed it. It was a picture of herself with a mustache drawn on it.

Kevin and Oscar looked guilty.

Angela looked happy at their misfortune.

Pam bitchfaced the camera and ripped it up. "Real nice guys." She groaned and walked away. "It's like you want me to fire you!"

  
OSCAR  
"It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

~~~~~

"Yeah I tried to install it myself but you guys just have these things so password protected." Pam said with a dopey grin.

"That just means you have to enter your password."

"..oh."

"Do you not know your password-"

"Well it's 1-"

"1234 got it ."

~~~~

Pam walked outside and was met with the belligerent yelling of Angela Kinsley.

"Pam! What's going on in there!?"

"Angela! Look I get it, your concerned but there are certain things a boss doesn't share with her employees."

"Pam you have let an outsider into our office! An outsider!"

"Angela-wait do you mean because he's an Arab?"

"....no. That's only part of it."

Pam sighed.

  
PAM  
"Yeah, I can't tell these lunatics I'll be reading there emails. I mean, what would Angela do? Throw a chair at me?"

  
Dwight stood up. "Pam she's right. You have to inform us of what's going on."

"And why is that Dwight?!" She said challengingly, crossing her arms.

"Because what if you die and I have to take over as manager? "

"Dwight i am in great shape! I walked the whole way here without tripping in my heals."

"Still, I mean you could get his by a bus, or a car or a train-"

"Dwight-"

"You could die while in labor, that is if you ever decide to do it the unnatural way. I doubt you'll find a man willing to fertalize you considering you've gone down in attractiveness in the past few years."

"Dwight-"

"Hey! That's not true!"

Pam sighed. "Thanks Michael."

"Your welcome, I think your hotter than ever, I mean just last night-"

"MICHAEL!"

~~~~

"So how do you search?"

"Just type in key words."

"Try Pam and great?"

He did and found one.

"Well will you look at that? An email from Kevin." She said smugly. She began to read outloud. "You know I never noticed because I'm usually staring at holly but Pam has a great ass-" Pam flushed and shut the computer, then walked out of the room.  
The IT guy looked apathetic about the whole thing.

"Hey what's the deal Pam? Why are you spying on our computers?" Oscar said.

"Well-"

Everyone started talking at once.

PAM  
"Told ya they wouldn't take it well..."

~~~~

Holly was talking to Michael by his desk when Andy walked up to Erin.

"Make sure you remember if you have any sensitive emails that they need to be deleted."

"I know." She said, stapling something.

"Good." He said, he drummed his fingers on the desk for a second before walking away.

Michael into the camera, then walked over to holly's desk with a mischevious grin.

"What?"

"Have you noticed something weird about Erin and Andy recently?"

Holly tilted her head in confusion. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, then Holly's face went through a series of scandalized expressions.

"Michael! No! ....well maybe."

Michael grinned.

  
MICHAEL  
"I am kind of an expert on love. The day I met Jan she was just about ready to run me over, but I was able to see the real Jan, that, probably wouldn't run me over. Its a real beauty in the beast situation. Except she's beautiful on the outside...not that she's a hideous beast on the inside....But anyways, I am very sure that Andy and Erin are boneing. Like, 100%. So if you guys see anything." He said to the camera crew.

  
"So Andy." Michael said, rolling his chair over. Andy looked up.

"hmmm?"

"A friend of mine is really into this like, short perky blond girl . But he's also into this medium red haired girl. Who should he choose?"

"Well, thats a tough decisión to make. I mean both sound equally as hot. Who has better boobs?"

Michael deadpanned the camera. "Let's just say they're equally attractive. "

"Hmmm... personalities?"

"Can you guys not objectify woman in the background of my sale?" Phyllis said.

"Phyllis this is more important!" Michael said.

"Yeah! God!" Andy said.

Phyllis turned to Stanley and they both glared at Michael and Andy , who were now talking about what makes a woman hot.

  
PHYLLIS AND STANLEY

"I'll never understand why Michael is higher in sales than us." Stanley said.

"Well, in high school he was always the guy who somehow got good grades despite not doing anything so it kind of makes sense."

"Still, it's unfair. "

Phyllis patted Stanley's knee in sympathy.

  
~~

  
Pam looked through the emails of her employees and found an invitation.

"Ooh look at that, an invitation to Erin Hannon." Pam clicked on it. "Oh , it's to a party thrown by our lovely h.r. rep holly flax. I wonder wear my invitation is." She kept looking and the smile slowly fades off her face.

  
~~~~~

Michael walked into the kitchen to find Andy and Erin talking by the vending machine laughing like they were the only two people in the world. He smiled as he carried in a large music player. He sat it down on the table and began to play Lionel riche.

They both turned to look at him.

"Oh don't mind me, I just thought the kitchen could use a little ambiance."

Michael walked over to get something from the vending machine, as inconspicuously as he could glancing at them as they tilted their heads at him in confusion. He walked out and hid behind the window to watch them.

"Michael?" Holly said, walking back into her seat.

"Gahh! Shhh!"

Holly sat down. "Michael they can see you, what exactly are you trying to do-"

"Shhhh!"

Holly smiled fondly at him as if he were a child who had just suggested he would go to the moon someday.

  
MICHAEL  
"That is a cd of all my favorite songs. I call it the get frisky playlist. Holly is a wonderful and smart woman but she just doesn't understand the art of matchmaking like I do. It requires a level of stealth. I'm like if Cupid and James bond had a baby. If it were possible. Not that gay people can't have babies. I mean, science has all sort of test tubes and thingamajigs for that. The point is, I am great at this ."

  
HOLLY  
She said with a smile,"Yeah Michael's an idiot. Of course he's my idiot. Not...I didn't mean-"

  
~~~~

Pam walked up to everyone at the table and sat down.

"Hey y'all."

"Are...are you eating with us?" Kevin said.

"Oh I don't eat. I drink smoothies and snack on nuts and then crazy binge every once in a while."

Kevin and everyone glanced at the camera for a second.

She smiled as if what she said was totally normal. "And yeah, I mean you guys are my buds, we are all like, totally chill. I mean hey, we should all have like a party or something."

Holly awkwardly looked at the camera.

HOLLY  
"Yeah, I am having a party. No, I did not invite Pam. So, it's bound to be a good party. I mean it's nothing personal but you don't let the teacher play with the kids at recess, or let the mom drink with the kids."

~~~~

Holly walked into the main room and looked around. "Has anyone seen Andy and Erin?"

Everyone said no.

Michael grinned and pulled her aside into the kitchen wear they were alone.

"Oh my god. My playlist worked."

"What?"

Michael explained to her his elaborate plan and she grinned like she was watching the sun. An apt analogy. Michael was, to her at least, a chaotic blinding mess millions of miles away. They talked for a bit untill Michael had to go back to his desk.

"Michael wait, I was just thinking, because I need to know how people are coming for like drinks and stuff, is Jan coming?"

"Oh no she can't, someone has to watch Astrid." He walked away with a shrug.

Holly smiled, then bit her lip in guilt.

When Michael walked out of the kitchen Pam was standing there.

"G-ah!" Michael laughed awkwardly. "Pam what-"

"Where are you headed to after work Michael?" She said with a threatening smile.

"Ah, just, hanging with my friends."

"Oh Michael you don't have friends." They both laughed loud and fake and Andy and Erin shared a look of mock concern. Michael started to walk away and ran out the door as Pam power-walked behind him. "Michael? Michael where you going?"

He ran away screaming "G-ahh!"

Erin stood up and began to walk out.  
"Hey e? Where ya' headed to?"

"I have to go teach reading orphans about the Chinese."

Pam tilted her head quizzically. Erin was sweating up a storm. "I mean, teach Chinese orphans how to read."

She started to run out and Pam said loud and with a big fake smile. " You don't know Chinese and you can barely read your a liar!"

"Nooo!"

"I'm counting to five-"

"Can't here you already gone!"

Everyone else filed out. Even Dwight, who was grinning because holly had mistakenly told him it was a suprise party.

~~  
Michael found Holly's house to be ... exactly what he expected. It was small and cute and filled with rather dull but unique furniture and a couple of Pam's paintings from back when she used to paint.

"Alright everyone, let's begin the tour!" Holly said in a cheesy way.

Everyone walked around and Michael smiled to himself as she gestured broadly at a large star wars cut out.

~~

Pam walked through the strings of beads making a sort of door on whatever hippie-dippie place this was supposed to be. There was a group of woman in a girl holding hands and a bunch of tapestry's and crystals hanging from the walls.

Nellie saw her and stood up. "Pam! Pamela Beasleyyy how are you!"

"I'm good-" she crushed her into a bear hug and Pam looked at the camera sheepishly.

  
PAM

"Nellie burtrum was our traveling salesmen back when I used to work in sales as our, not to brag, top salesmen. She's been my best friend for over a decade and she's the worst." Pam said with a bitter smile.

  
Pam was now wearing a crown of flowers and holding hands with Nellie and some random woman as they all hummed. Pam looked around, judgemental.

NELLIE

"Oh Pam? She's great. I mean I think I'm her best friend. She's not mine." Nellie said with a smile. The operator said something. "Oh this, this is a soft of woman's healing thing I do. I've been trying to get Pam to do it but she never wanted to for some reason."

  
PAM

"It's a bunch of hippie-dippie crap. But I have an afternoon to kill so ." She shrugged. "I'd like to do something that requires me not to think about how everyone's having a party without me." She smiled wide and bitter.

~~  
The camera panned over to Michael standing in Holly's room.

He saw and grinned awkwardly and gestured out. "Holly's room."

He looked around. It was filled with geeky posters and Funko pops and things. Just what he expected and it only made her seem more like some dream girl he had made up.

Holly walked in. "I see you've found me casa."

"Indeed I have." Michael said, sitting down. "Man I don't know why but this is exactly how I thought your room would look."

Holly blushed and smiled. "What-"

"Not, not that I've thought about being in your room. I mean just, like it suits you."

Holly laughed. "Oh I know."

"I mean look at all these star wars posters. I wanted to get some but Jan said no."

"...Jan wouldn't let you hang up posters in your own room?"

"Well she doesn't like her house to have anything childish."

"But you have a kid-"

Michael picked up something. "Wow look at that-" he rambled on and holly smiled at him, softly and happy, and yet longing and lonely.

~~

Pam wasn't sure how she got here, reading aloud from a "spell book" while the others sat in a row in front oh her, holding each other and acting like god himself was in the room, but the alternative, dealing with the fact that she was all alone, was infinitely worse.

Pam finished reading and closed the book.

"Pam! That was amazing! You have a gift."

Pam forced a smile. "I guess I always have a back up career in...what is this?"

"Oh it's witchcraft, but the good kind."

Pam bitchfaced the camera.  
"Fantastic."

~~

"I'm a vegetarian." Angela said when offered a burger.

"Oh my god is that contagious?!" Erin said.

Angela bitchfaced the camera.

Meanwhile, inside the house, Michael looked around, bored. He spotted Andy and Erin having a heated conversation and grinned at the camera.

  
MICHAEL  
"I did that. All me."

  
He tapped on Phyllis. "Phyllis, phyl-dog- The Phyl-"

"Yes Michael?" She said, slightly annoyed.

Michael was grinning widely. "Have you um, heard of any secret office romances." He let out a childish half-laugh.

Phyllis , suddenly interested, said, "Well you tell me."

Michael looked confused and looked around. "I-I dont-what do you mean?"

"Well you do mean you and holly right?"

Michael's eyes grew wide and Phyllis stuttered an apology and an explanation but Michael wasn't even listening as he walked away, filled with embarrassment and conflicting emotions.

~~  
When the rituals or whatever , Pam didn't really know, were done, she tried to get a ride with Nellie, but Nellie left with the other girls to go out drinking. And Pam knew if she came alone she wouldn't stop. So she sighed and called a taxi.

~~

As she sat in the back seat, they pulled up to a light and she saw two people kissing at a bus stop and sunk down in her seat. She groaned. Then looked up in ambition.

"Actually I changed my mind, I won't be going home."

~~  
Michael sat down next to holly as Phyllis sang.  
"Hey."

"Hi."

"You having fun?"

"Of course. Fun as can be. Loveeee this." He said, forced.

She didn't catch it. "Well good."

They were silent for a few moments before she spoke again. "Oh! Did you ever find out about Andy and Erin?"

"Hmmm? Oh I decided to give that up." He looked at the camera embarrassed.

  
MICHAEL

"just because two people are hanging out it doesn't mean that they're together. Like, two people can just be friends, and I think it was really unfair of us to assume that there was anything else going on." He looked down flustered.

  
"Suprise!" Dwight shouted as Pam walked in.

She looked around awkwardly. "Um, I was just driving by but I can-"

Michael squeezed her into a hug. She looked started and hugged him back. Michael whispered in her ear. "It's good to see you. Its been, weirdly emotion today."

Pam nodded.

He pulled away and looked at everyone. Everyone looked down awkwardly.

Holly bit her lip in guilt and stood up. "Wooo! Everyone! Pam's here! Suprise!" She started clapping and everyone else, while confused, smiled and clapped to and also mumbled "suprise."

Kevin through the mike at her. "Sing!" Everyone agreed.

She smiled, holding back tears. "Yeah okay."

~~~

_"Here I go again on my own. Driving down the only road I've ever known-"_

Michael looked at holly , who looked happy and content talking to the others. He smiled, painfully.

_"Making love with each other uh-uh-"_

And in the background , unknown to everywhere else, the camera zoomed in on Andy and Erin's legs, in reference of the fact that they were doing just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, Andy and Erin are hooking up now. Also poor conflicted Michael. Also Holly's geeky house was fun to imagine 😂.
> 
> Also Nellie is basically pam's Todd packer (Pam would never be friends with him in any universe)


	11. Christmas Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pam has a bit of trouble throwing a Christmas party. Holly's made a mistake that could change everything. Andy and Erin are still sleeping together and Angela, as always, mad about something. Also, Pam may have invited jim to the party but will he actually show up?

Pam walked into the office dressed as Santa clause, in a Santa dress going up to halfway above her knees that had black sleeves. She has on the santa hat and had long curly hair.

Erin looked up, dressed as a cute elf. "Pam! " She took out a bowl. "Want some Christmas themed candy corn?"

"Why would they make- you know what sure." She funneled it all into her mouth and Erin looked at the camera, concerned.

ERIN  
"Yeah, Pam gets super stressed around this time of year. She always ends up eating all the candy, so this year I bought those just for her so she wouldn't find the rest."

Pam finished eating all of them. "Mmm, fantastic." She walked away when she walked back to the desk.

"Erin why is there a box by your desk?"

"N....no reason."

Pam reached for it.

"It's just shipping stuff! Office related-"

Pam opened it and pulled it up with a happy gasp. It was filled with candy. "Erin!" She booped her on the nose. "Thanks!" She smiled widely and walked away.

Erin deadpanned the camera. 

ERIN  
"I guess we won't have any candy for the party this year."

~~~

**HOLLY (sitting in the lunch room)**

**"So this year for the first time ever I got our very own Michael Scott as secret Santa. Um, I'm really excited." She grinned and reached into the box. She pulled out a little r2d2 robot toy. "Check it out!! Isn't it cool? I found it when I was in the kids section shopping for my nephew. Of course just a robot wouldn't be good enough, oh no."**

**She took the the head off and reached inside.**

**" Um, this is a lava lamp, he thought it was funny for some reason, he said it looked like a penis or something I dunno." She laughed fondly. "Michael has a weird sense of humor, um..."**

**She reached in again and said, while laughing, "Um, this is a pencil, which would take too long to explain. And uh, this is a card from me, because Christmas is the time to say how you feel."**

**Holly smiled awkwardly as the camera zoomed in and the smile faded away into something like worry.**

~~~

Pam sat in her office and dialed a number on her phone.

"Hello?"

"Jim, it's Pam."

"Beesly ." He said, she could hear his smug grin. "To what do I owe the pleasure? Found a way to mess everything up yet?"

"Well, we are having a Christmas party. I was...wondering if you'd like to come."

"...oh-"

"I just mean, you know , it might make the others happy to have someone else to make fun of-"

"I'll come."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." She said (a bit too happy). She coughed and said ( a bit more nonchalantly). "Thats...that's cool."

"I'll see you there." He said.

"Yeah. Remember to be professional." She hung up and smiled, then force it down in embarrassment.

~~~~~

Angela, Erin, Kelly, Phyllis, Meredith, and Holly were sitting at the party planning committee table when Pam ran in.

"Merry Christmas y'all! How's it going?"

"We're trying to plan out this party, which would be a lot easier without interruptions." Angela said, with a lot of bite in it.

Pam drew back for a second but covered it up with an awkward laugh. "Well you have my full support in everything . In fact double it!"

"We're already getting two cakes-" Holly said.

"Double it! Double it!"

PAM  
"It is important that this go well. I mean it's been a tough year, I had to let Devon go and he unfriended me from Facebook , Meredith flashed me and it was the most confusing Walmart interaction of my life, and um...I almost slept with _Jim halpert_!" So yeah, not great. That's why this party has to be perfect."

~~~

Angela hung up red streamers while Erin hung up blue.

"What is that?"

"Well it's...it's for the winter-"

"Take it down!"

"Pssshhh no. You not my mom. I never knew her but I know she'd probably have red hair."

"Pam!"

"NO! I'll... I'll take it down."

Holly ran in. "Erin what is all the the screaming about-?"

"Don't tell Mom!...I mean pam-mom. I mean-"

Holly looked at the camera in second hand embarrassment.

~~~~

Phyllis and Meredith tried to lift the desk while Dwight watched standing up, judgemental and annoyed.

**DWIGHT**  
** "Around Christmas this office turns into a total girl show! They take over and we men just sit back and do nothing. It's insulting. If this was nature and we were wolves some lion would have eaten the pack by now. Except Kevin, he'd be used as a pillow.... The point is...although I respect Pam very much, there are certain things a woman shouldn't do, like heavy lifting or lion taming, and they _definitely_ shouldn't be santa!"**

Dwight ran into Pam's office. She was stuffing a Mars bar into her mouth, with sticky chocolate fingers.

"I want to be santa!"

Pam, with a mouth full of chocolate, chewed for about 20 awkward seconds, then laughed. "Dwight why on Earth would you want to be santa."

"Because! Every year you slander santa with your feminism and have the woman of this office do things like heavy lifting and using ladders! You think _Angela_ is the kind of person who can do those things?!"

"Dwight she volunteered."

"Still..."

She sighed and smiled sympathetically. "Why don't you wanna be an elf? Your so good at it ,y have lovely elfish features."

"Of course I do." He said pointedly, then got angry again. "But I wanna be santa! I'm a better leader and I have a bigger belly. Like santa."

"That's not-"

"You are a woman!"

"Well Dwight that sounds like sexism, I'm gonna have to file a complaint with Jim, and hes gonna have to come over."

Dwight's anger wss replaced with annoyance. "Oh god."

"Of course you could just accept me as santa, but you won't, so..." She said, sarcastically and smug but with a poker face. She picked up the phone and dialed his number. He answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jim?"

"Pam?"

"Yeah Dwight has a very important thing he wishes to talk to you about."

Jim sighed for several long seconds. "What is it Dwight?"

"Jim! There has been an injustice in the workplace."

Pam could almost picture him face-palming. "What is it?"

"Pam can not be santa! It is a man's job."

"Dwight- you know what, I don't have time to explain to you basic things. Pam will be santa end of discussion. Bye." He hung up. Pam turned slowly to face Dwight, grinning widely. She took a giant bite of her Mars bar.

"Anything else?"

He looked down shyly. "Angela tried to push Erin off the ladder."

Pam groaned and ran out. Erin was on the floor.

"Angela!"

Angela came out of the kitchen. "Yes Pam?"

"Why did you push Erin on the floor?"

"She kept using blue streamers. What was I supposed to do."

**ANGELA**  
** "When I was a kid and I messed something up, my father used to push me over. Worked like a charm. Now I never mess up."**

"You were supposed to no not push her over!" Pam sighed and lifted Erin off the ground.

Angela rolled her eyes. "Look, this party has to be perfect , we have to prepare for every little thing that can go wrong! And that's why Erin should not be helping, because she will most likely cause every little thing that can go wrong."

"Hey!" Pam said.

Erin patted her on the shoulder. "No Pam, it's true. " She started sniffling. "I'll go."

Andy stood up. "Um guys maybe-"

Angela glared at him. He gulped and sat back down.

**ANDY**  
** "Do I care about Erin? With all my heart yes. But do I care about her more than I'm scared of my fiance? .....it's a tough one."**  
  


Dwight crossed his arms. "This never would have happened if I had been leading this Christmas, or if michael-" he pointed at Michael, who was trying to chew candy inconspicuously under his desk but failing miserably. He looked up startled at the mention of his name "-was leading!" 

"Dwight please stop talking."

"Or Andy! Or....well not kevin." Kevin nodded in sad agreement. "But Oscar maybe! He could make it colorful and lively, like his people."

"What are you implying?" He stood up.

"Because your Mexican." Dwight said as if it were obvious.

Oscar flushed. "Oh, yeah."

**OSCAR**  
** "I thought he was calling me gay or something, which I'm not....I love boobs."**

"Everyone shut up!" Pam yelled. "Okay Angela, Erin, find a way to decorate together. Dwight? If you say another word about how much better this would be if I was a man i will punch you in the throat and we will settle this like men, also Michael, did you sneak into my office to get candy?"

He swallowed. "Erin brought extra for me because she knew you would eat it all."

Pam scoffed for a few moments before saying , "Everyone in the conference room now!"

~~~~~

Pam stood up with her arms crossed as everyone looked down guiltily.

"What happened guys?"

Erin put her hand up.

Pam sighed. "No Erin it was a rhetorical question."

"Hmm? I dont know what that means-"

Andy slowly put Erins hand down. Angela looked at them suspiciously.

"Christmas is supposed to be about fun! About gift giving! About each other!"

Angela stood up. "No it's about Jesus! And frankly I find all these colorful pagan decorations to be a hateful."

Pam rubbed the temples of her forehead. "That too Angela. Yes Christmas also has a religious aspect but because of company guidelines we aren't allowed to talk about it. Or at least I'm not. I'm sure we could all gather around and listen to Angela read the Bible-"

Angela perked up.

"-if anyone actually wanted to do that."

Angela looked down annoyed.

"Pam?"

Pam smiled. "Yes Holly?"

"Actually your violating a few rules right now. I mean your dress shouldn't be that high up, and you definitely shouldn't eat all the candy, and I'm assuming you have alcohol in your office."

"Psssshhhh no.....I wanted to but the store was out."

"The store ran out of alcohol?" Oscar asked, confused.

Pam shrugged.

"Well you see Oscar," Dwight said. "Christmas is a troubling time for people like Pam who grew up poor and without a dad and and, I'm assuming, junkie mom? So stores often run out of alcohol because of people like her, and Meredith."

Meredith nodded.

"My mom was not a junkie dwight! And I don't appreciate this topic-"

"Oh wait, I'm thinking of Kelly."

"No not me."

"Who had the junkie mom? Was it Jim?"

Everyone mumbled in agreement. "That sounds right." Oscar said.

"Wait Pam your mom was an alcoholic right? Not a junkie" Erin said.

Pam sighed. "Correct Erin."

Erin and Andy high fived, then lingered on each other's hands for too long and looked away.

**ERIN**  
** "Yes, me and Andy have begun....crushing butt. As the grownups would say. It's going really well except for the fact that he has a fiance he hates and I feel like a whore. " Erin smiled. "But um, anything for love, right?"**

Andy looked at Erin guilty.

**ANDY**  
** "I feel terrible. I know I have to choose, I know that, but...I mean, me and Angela have been together since high school. She's great when she's not being herself and being that version of her that deep down I know exists that i have yet to see but is probably amazing. But um, Erin deserves the world. She deserves my full attention and i can't...I don't know if this is going to work."**

"Anyone else have any grievances?" Pam said.

Michael raised his hand. "Pam I want you to know I fully appreciate how high up your dress goes. I mean -"

Holly patted him on the knee to get him to stop talking as a horrified and annoyed Pam glared at him.

"....because I believe in woman's rights because you can wear anything you want."

"Nice save." Holly mumbled. They both giggled for a second before Dwight shut them up. Phyllis watched them sadly.

**PHYLLIS**  
** "Sometimes Bob checks out girls in front of me, it sucks but I know when I come home he's all mine....poor holly doesn't get that with Michael."**

Pam rolled her eyes. "Thanks Michael."

"Um!" Kevin raised his hand. "I like your dress because-"

"KEVIN NO!" Angela said.

"But-"

Kevin was met with yelling and screaming from everyone and so he held up his hands to silence them.

"Will you let me finish!"

Everyone mumbled.

"I was going to say because she makes me _horny._"

"KEVIN!" Pam and Angela yelled.

"What?"

Angela groaned and Pam rubbed her forehead. "Maybe I should change."

Erin stood up, her bells on her elf costume jingling . "Pam, I think it's great your showing skin! " Erin turned around to face everyone while Pam burried her face in her hands. "Woman should be allowed to wear as little or as less clothes as they want! Maybe even no clothes at all-"

Michael Kevin and Andy whistled in agreement and Pam turned erin around to face her and said, "Erin I understand you are trying to help but please sit down."

Erin , feeling rejected, sat down next to Andy, who patted her knee in comfort, then pulled it away a second too late. He looked around and hoped no one caught it. Angela had. She glared at him. He tried for a dopey smile and shrug. She looked away angrily.

**ANGELA **  
** *_Says nothing but glares at the camera for 10 seconds_***

Everyone began talking at once but Pam held up her hand. "Okay heres what we're gonna do! Presents under the tree in five minutes, then we do the gift swap! Any concerns?"

Everyone started talking.

"Fantastic!" She walked out.

Everyone looked at each other awkwardly.

"Is it just me or was anyone else not paying attention to Pam because they were staring at her body?" Kevin said.

Everyone nodded shamelessly.

"Even I want some fries with that shake." Meredith said.

Pam could hear from her office and let her head fall on her desk in exasperation.

~~~

**KELLY**  
** "I got Kevin this weightloss bars. I lost 50 pounds with these...or maybe it was the fact that I wasn't eating anything else...no it was this. He definitely needs them." She said with a smile.**

**ANDY**  
** "Um I got Erin, and I've thought about it a lot, and I realized the best, inconspicuous present to give her would be cash....I mean it's perfect. Cus it's not like, a thing she would think isn't meaningful, or Angela would suspect, it's just money! She can buy anything with it." He stared off into space grinning. "I'm a genius."**

**KEVIN**  
** "I got Oscar this." He held up a magazine. "It's a magazine filled with hot chicks. He's gonna love it. Plus I have extras."**

~~~~~

Pam walked up to Meredith. "Hey Meredith."

"Pam beasley, and how are ya?"

Pam pulled out some money as she talked.  
"Good, I'm good. Listen I was wondering if you could get any alcohol -"

"On it." Meredith grabbed the cash and ran out.

Pam looked guilty at the camera.

**PAM**  
** "Christmas is a very stressfull time . It helps to...take the edge of......don't look at me like that! It's not like I asked her to go buy weed....although....wait no-"**

"Gather round!" Erin tried to say, but Dwight shoved her aside.

"Secret santa let's go!"

Erin hit him, and they began slapping each other's hands in the air like girls as Pam sighed and began the countdown to turn on the lights .

"Five, four, three, two, one."

The lights were rather spectacular.  
Everyone clapped.

Phyllis looked confused. "Those aren't the lights I got?"

Angela looked at the camera.

**ANGELA**  
** "What? Are you suggesting that I went out and got better lights because I knew Phyllis would mess up? " She smirked. "I am appalled at your suggestion."**

"First present, Kevin." Angela handed it to him.

He opened it. "Granola bars?"

"They're actually weightloss bars." Kelly said happily.

Kevin side-glanced the camera. "Thanks." He said dryly and not at all geniune.

Kelly didn't catch that and said, "Your welcome!"

"Um, next present." Michael said, holding up a camera and filming.

**MICHAEL**  
** "Pam put me in charge of filming. I think it's because she recognizes my talent for filmmaking."**

**PAM**  
** "When Michael doesn't have something to do he makes everything about him. I try and give him little tasks like this to keep him busy."**

"Next present is to Holly."

Angela handed it to holly.

"That one was from me." Creed said.

Holly pulled out a pair of seemingly bloody heels.

Everyone looked at Creed slightly concerned but he just smiled as if nothing was wrong.

**CREED**  
** "My exgirlfriend used to wear those while walking through berry orchards. I don't see what the problem is?"**

**HOLLY**  
** "Am I gonna wear these? That's...the least of my concerns right now."**  
  


"Okay!" Pam yelled, "Next present!"

"Right!" Angela said. She handed one Michael.

He opened it to reveal a little r2d2 robot.

"Wow! Oh my god! This is amazing! I mean, wow-"

"There's a bit more too it." Holly said quietly.

Angela tossed the next present to Andy.

"Wow, lovely wrapping paper." He opened it up. It was a card that said happy birthday, with birthday crossed out and replaced with Christmas.

He showed it to everyone. "Very funny guys." He said. "Who did this?"

"Why is it funny?" Angela said.

Andy's face went through a series of expressions as he realized that Angela had got it for him, and that she wasn't joking. He forced a smile.  
"Thanks..."

Erin cringed at her lap, avoiding eye contact. Everyone else did the same.

"Um, maybe next present?" Pam said.

Dwight stood up. "Yes, lets do that." He tossed a present to Angela. 

Angela opened it up and smiled, geniune. It was a weird baby poster. " Who did this?"

"Um, that was me." Dwight said, happy and smiling smug. Andy looked between them, jealous as they smiled at each other.

Pam noticed the tension and stood up. "Okay, next present." She tossed one to Erin.

Erin opened it up, she smiled, indifferent. "Oh, it's cash? Stanley was this you?"

"Actually that was me." Andy said happily, then the smile slipped off his face as Erin looked at him hurt.

"You got me cash?"

"I... I mean it seemed like a good idea at the time-"

"NEXT PRESENT." Pam said loudly, tossing one to Phyllis.

Phyllis opened it up and looked confused. "Um, it's baby clothes?"

"For the baby." Erin said happily.

Everyone looked around at Phyllis, horrified for her.

"I'm...not pregnant."

Erin's face fell. "Oh my god! I am so sorry!"

"It's fine really-"

Erin went up to her and hugged her. "No it's not I am so sorry-"

"Maybe we should take a break!" Pam said , clapping her hands together.

"And do what?" Andy said bitterly. "Pam your party blows."

Everyone mumbled in agreement.

Pam stormed into her office and leaned against the door as she closed it, sinking to the floor.

Everyone looked at each other. "What do we do now?"

~~~~~~~

Michael was showing off his r2d2 robot to darryl and some of the guys, who were making fun of him for it but he seemed like he couldn't care less.

Holly smiled, but she looked worried.

**HOLLY**  
** "Look, in a poor judgement, I might have, wrote some things down in a letter that I shouldn't have. A letter that is, inside michaels present. I um, I need to get it back." The camera zoomed in on her face, anxious**.

Andy looked sadly at Erin as she talk to Kevin and he took in a deep breath and began walking towards her. "Hey Erin I was wondering if-"

She walked away, completely ignoring him. He saw Angela was glaring at him too and he looked at the camera sadly.

**ANDY**  
** "Apparently you don't give cash to the girl your sleeping with in front of your fiance. Who knew." He looked down sadly.**

Holly walked up to Michael, "Hey Michael-"

"Holly!" He hugged her. "I was just showing the guys your amazing present! Everyone thinks it's really cool!"

"I mean, we didn't ask , he just came up to us and started talking, but yeah it's awesome." Darryl said.

Holly smiled. "That's great. But um, could we talk in pri-"

"Oooh look what it can do!" Michael said. He tapped a button and it lit up. The guys clapped. Holly looked like she wished for death.

~~~~~~

Pam was on the floor of her office, shoving candy into her mouth like a child and listening to the distant Christmas music when she heard the door open. She sat up and saw Meredith walking in.

"Did somebody say alcohol?"

"No one said-" Erin said, but Pam cut her off by running out of her office and hugging Meredith.

"Oh god thank you thank you! " She said, then whispered in her ear."How did you afford all of this?"

"I memorized your credit card number."

"How- we will discuss that later." She turned around to face everyone. "Who wants to get drunk!"

Everyone looked at each other.

Holly spoke up. "Um, we are really not supposed to get drunk at these things. I mean what if Jim finds out-"

"Shut up holly!" Meredith said. "The woman is letting us drink! Everyone give it up for Pam!"

Everyone cheered .

Pam grinned at the camera. 

**PAM**  
** "Alcohol, the great equalizer. Do you know how many wars would have been solved if they had just gotten drunk? Well, okay no that was a bad joke. I don't mean to make light of such a serious topic...the point is I'm awesome"**

~~~~~~

The party started off well.

Phyllis and Bob Vance were making out.

Erin was trying to do a handstand, but she failed so she was basically just rolling around across the carpet as Darryl cheered her on, clearly not caring either way.

Holly anxiously watched as Michael went around showing everyone the robot.

**MICHAEL**  
** "That holly, once again she has done it. She's so great-"**

**"Jan?" Kevin said.**

**Michael looked at the camera in confusion and walked out.**

"Jan?" He looked at holly for a second. What are you doing here?"

"Well you butt dialed me and I heard screaming so I assumed you were being mugged, but now I see that the screaming was that weird tall red haired child who is now on the floor for some reason."

Pam ran up to Jan, already drunk. "Jann Scott!" She hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. Jan rubbed it off. "Welcome! You should stay."

"Oh I dont-"

"We have alcohol."

"....yeah okay."

Michael cheered and pulled her to the side, showing her the robot as she grabbed a glass of vodka from Stanley's hands.

Holly looked at the camera , more anxious than before.

~~~~~~

Michael, Phyllis, Meredith, and Kevin all did a shot together and Michael took a picture. "Woohoo!

Holly tried to steal the robot but Michael spotted her and pulled her in for a selfie with the two of them. She looked completely done with life, but forced a smile .

Nellie showed up behind Pam and everyone groaned, luckily she promptly passed out.

~~~~

Erin was getting something in the kitchen when Andy walked in. "Erin-"

She started to walk out when he grabbed her. "Erin wait, i-"

"What?!"

He drew back. "I'm sorry."

"Your sorry? You got me cash Andy!"

"I know I just, I didn't want to get something too nice because I knew that it would be obvious. I...if we could be open about our relationship i'd get you anything and everything. Please don't be mad at me."

"I...really?"

"Yes. I'd get you one of those weird dolls you want so much for some reason. Or -"

She shut him up with a kiss and a dopey grin. "I forgive you." She kissed him again and he kissed her back, wrapping his arms her.

Unknown to them, Angela was watching.

She looked at the camera angrily and walked away to see Kelly kissing Dwight as well. She looked even angrier and stormed out.

She smashed ornaments on the side of the wall outside, then onto the ground. The screamed.

"Woah careful, all that glass could cut you."

She turned around.

"Jim?"

~~~~~~~~

Pam walked up to Erin drunk and booped her on the noise.

Erin helped her from falling over. "Woah. Pam easy girl. "

"Erin I'm fine. I'm so great. I don't even care about anything right now. Not these lunatics, not Jim, or...my weight gain." She giggled and nearly fell over. Erin caught her again.

"Oh Pam I barely even noticed."

"I noticed." Dwight said. "You've been at a steady decline since-"

"Dwight if you say another word I will jam my eyeballs into your sockets!" Erin said.

"Oh she won't even remember." Dwight said. "I haven't seen her this drunk since the awards show."

Pam fell onto the ground. Everyone stopped. She screamed "woohoo" and everyone cheered and got back to what they were doing.

~~~

Jim took a long puff of smoke, handing one to Angela.

"I don't smoke, "she said. She watched him, judgemental. After a few seconds he turned around to look at her.

"What?"

"Why are you loitering around the office like a pedophile? Frankly it's concerning." She them grabbed his cigarette and took a smoke, like the hypocrite she is.

He laughed and pulled out another cigarette, Angela helped him light it.

"Pam invited me to come earlier today."

"And?"

"I chickened out, and I have no where else to go...so..."

"So you decided you'd stalk the girl you've been in love with forever outside of a party she invited you too? God that's sad."

"At least I'm not hiding from my fiance and my sidepiece." He said with a grin.

She whipped around to face him. "How did you know?"

He laughed. "It's weird, I hate Dwight but I know like everything about him. I know how long you guys have been sleeping together. I'd find it impressive if it wasn't so horrible to think about, and picture." He scrunched up his face, grossed out.

"Ass."

"Whore."

They both took a long puff.

"One thing I don't get is , why are you still with Andy?"

Maybe it was the fact that she was currently outside smoking with Jim halpert of all people, but she had so little left to care about that she just said, "He's...not a risk. He's simple."

Jim chuckled. "Been there, with Karen."

"And of course Pam and Roy have been there too." Angela said, smiling happily at their misfortune. "Can't believe you almost killed him."

Jim groaned. "He got drunk and got into a car accident. That wasn't my fault."

"Yeah but it was your fault he got into a drunk rage. He saw you kiss Pam."

"How do you know all this?"

"I'm a judgemental christian hiding an affair, I'm good at figuring out gossip."

Jim laughed loudly. It was different than the other laughs. He seemed happier. Younger. Like when he worked in sales.

"Why'd you quit sales?" Angela blurted out before she could help it.

He stopped laughing slowly. "I...needed a fresh start. Plus, they couldn't exactly keep me around after the whole Roy situation. It was probably for the best. Pam got promoted to manager shortly after, I guess I was holding her back."

"Absolutely."

"Hey!"

"What, it's true. You were."

He sighed and took a smoke. "I know."

She smirked, his misfortune making her feel better. "God your a mess."

"So are you. Except there's one difference between us." He walked in front of her to face her. She tilted her head in confusion.

"You have Dwight. And I...don't have Pam."

She gaped at him as he walked away, leaving to her stir in her own thoughts.

~~~

"Thanks for the party Pam!" Kevin said. The camera panned to Nellie passed out on the floor.

"Listen up, were going to poor Richards. Pam you in?" Bob Vance said.

She grinned. "Sounds fun. I'm in." She tried to lean against the door and almost fell over, Dwight caught her and wrapped her arm around his shoulders and helped her.

"No way, your going home and sleeping off this hangover."

"Thanks dwigt."

He rolled his eyes at her mispronunciation of his name.

On their way out, Michael and Holly smiled at each other.

"I'm gonna put this on the table next to me so it can be the first thing I see when I wake up."

Holly laughed as they grabbed their coats and walked out. "That's sweet. Creepy, but sweet."

"How it is creepy?" He said, grinning.

She laughed, content. Jan showed up behind them, startling her.

"Michael? What on Earth is this?"

"It's r2d2-"

"Oh I don't care." She handed it to holly. "Michael won't be needing this."

Michael looked back at holly and mouthed "sorry" as she led him away.

Holly looked at the camera, annoyed.

HOLLY  
"I got the letter back...yay." she said bitterly. "But it's fine, I..." She started crying a little and wiped them the tears away. "As Michael would say, it's all good dawg."

~~~~~~

Dwight was helping Pam to his car when he noticed something.

"Is that Jim's car?"

She looked where he was pointing. "Oh that is definitely his car. And look! It's his mop of hair resting on the wheel!" She giggled as Dwight sighed and dragger her over to his car.

Dwight, not one for subtlety, banged on the door.

"Jim!"

His head whipped up and he made a series of unintelligible noises. He turned around and saw Dwight and Pam and groaned.

"That's...just great." He pulled out another cigarette.

"Jimmy?" Pam said, leaning into the window giggly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong Pam." He said, and anyone who didn't know him as well as Dwight and Pam wouldn't know he was being defensive. "I came to check up on the party, and I fell asleep, that's all."

"Looks like you also smoked like 15 cigarettes." Dwight said, half-smug half-hiding concern. "I never understood why you've always had such a self destructive habit. Then again nothing you do makes sense. Someone who actually cared about you would be concerned. I don't though, of course not.

Jim bitchfaced him. "Thanks Dwight."

Pam giggled and ruffled up his hair. "Awww sad baby. You should come to poor Richards with us."

"That's...I can't just leave my cat here."

"I'll drive." Dwight offered.

Jim looked confused at his offer of help.

Dwight rolled his eyes. "It's Christmas. Some of us have a heart, not that you would know anything about that."

Jim sighed in defeat and got out of the car.

Pam, a drunk giggly mess, got fell into the backseat as Dwight sat at the steering wheel. Jim sat next to him.

"Ugh, the warranty on this car must be terrible." Dwight muttered.

"Shut up." Jim grumbled, pouty as he tried to light his cigarette. Dwight tossed it out the window.

"Not with Pam in the car."

Jim looked to the side guilty as Dwight started his car.

He looked back at Pam and smiled. This wasn't how he expected his Christmas to go, but he wasn't exactly complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I love drunk Pam.


	12. Booze cruise (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the booze cruise approaches, everyone is unsure of where they stand with each other, and Pam is unsure of everything.

“Erin?"

Erin looked up from reception to see Andy standing there, grinning widely like the joker. 

Her eyes twinkled and she smiled, wistful and sunny. The smile slipped off her face when she remembered Angela was right next to them, it was easy for them to forget about her when they were wrapped up in each other. She put on her best poker face, although it was hard. (That's what she said.)

“Hello, Andy. Do you need me to fax something? Or perhaps I can interest you in skittles…”

Erin pulled out a jar of skittles. “Here you go fellow coworker.” 

Andy tilted his head quizzically and smiled (wry and lopsided) then let out a soft chuckle. “No I- I don’t want skittles Erin. I’m just...coming here to talk to you.”

Erin looked around as if she had just been caught in the act of doing cocaine, or, more accurately, as if she were a politician involved in a scandalous love affair with a married banjo player.

She lowered her voice. “Could we um, speak in private? I um… I don’t want certain people to-”

Speak of the devil and she appears, Angela’s head appeared from the top of the divider between her and accounting. “Andy?” 

Andy jumped, the smile slipping off of his face. “Angela! Hi! Um, I was just speaking to Erin because-”

“Andy is interested in reception!” Erin stood up. “Andy, may I see you in the hallway to discuss reception duties?”

“Well of course."

Dwight rolled his eyes at how obvious they were being.

Michael tilted his head in confusion.

Pam walked out of her office. “What is all the yelling about?”

“Andy and Erin are gonna go do it-” Meredith started to say.

“By ‘ **it** ’ she means discuss reception!” Erin said loudly.

“It will probably take about 45 minutes-” Andy said.

“Andy _ !”  _ Erin said in a reprimanding tone. “Pam this will only take about 3 minutes.” Erin grabbed Andy’s sleeve and started to drag him away. Angela bitchfaced the camera.

“Only three minutes?” 

“Shhhh!”

“Sorry.” he mumbled.

“Wait you guys can’t just leave the office- _ and  _ they're already gone.” Pam said. She rolled her eyes. “Why can’t you guys just behave like a functioning office?”

“Maybe if we had a better manager.” Michael mumbled.

“Amen.” Dwight said.

Pam bitchfaced him, then bitchfaced the camera.

**PAM**

**“Sometimes Michael gets upset because I was chosen to be manager instead of him. Dwight too...I guess no matter how good a decision, there's always some crazy drunk in the corner shouting _go home woman._"**

Once Erin and Andy were safe out of hearing range, Erin let go of his hand and they stopped walking.

Andy grinned.” Well, since we only have three minutes, I guess we’d better hurry up and get you warmed up.” He started to take off his shirt. “Just close your eyes and think about john stamos."

“Andy you have greatly misread this situation.”

Andy started to pull his shirt back on, stumbling over his words. “ _ OH… _ yeah I did think it was weird you wanted only three minutes."

“Andy! Please listen, I want to talk about something serious.

The grin comically fell off Andy’s face. “Oh my god, what is it? Are you dying?"

“No I'm not dying." Erin took his hand. "I think we should just be friends.”

"What?! Why?"

"Because...I mean, you’re with someone else. And she  _ works _ here!”

“That’s…” Andy’s expression was unreadable. “Y-you knew what you were signing up for.”   
  
“ _ Why haven’t you dumped her?!” _ _   
_ __   
“I...Erin’s it’s complicated.”   
  
“Why is it complicated?!”

  
“I’m not like you Erin! I’m not confident and carefree and untethered!”   
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” There were tears nonplussed in Erin’s eyes. (Andy had them as well.)

  
“I’m...I’m sorry. What do you want me to say?”   
  
“I don’t think there’s anything left to say.”    
  


Andy said nothing, licking his lips and looking down.

"You know I'm right."

Andy nodded. "It's just...it's gonna suck, who else am I supposed to go to to make fun of Dwight…" He tried for comedy, holding back his tears and emotions and everything he wanted to say.

Erin stared at him humorlessly.

Andy’s lopsided forced grin fell off his face. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what you want from me. I...I don’t get you.”

Erin looked at him for a few seconds, seeming to figure something out. She smiled, humorless and accepting and fond. She kissed him on the cheek. "I know." She walked away.

Now that no one was staring at him, now that there was no one to  _ see  _ him, he let the tears fall. 

Erin walked back to her desk and let her head fall onto the desk. She hoped no one could hear her crying.

Michael did.

~

  
Holly was doing something on her computer when he heard footsteps.

She internally sighed. Maybe it was Pam coming to reprimand her for something futile, or perhaps she’d finally snapped.

Holly forced a smile. “What can I do for you Pam?”   
  


She turned around to see Michael standing there, smiling crooked and wide. “Not Pammy, unless I’ve turned into a woman.  _ That’s not how the force works.” _ He said the last part in an accent.

Holly returned his smile, radiant and fond. “My my,  _ aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?” _

They both laughed hysterically.   
  
Michael never looks happier than when he’s laughing about his own jokes, and Holly is never happier than when she’s watching Michael laugh about his own jokes.

Holly blushed, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear and looking away, sensing danger, like she was flying too close to the sun. 

“So um, what brings you here?”   
  
Michael’s smile faltered, as if he remembered that there were other people that existed besides Holly. He remembered his other best friend was crying.

“Well...it’s Erin. She was crying.”   
  
Holly’s smile completely slipped off her face. “Oh no, why?”

  
“I’m not sure. I think Andy may have tried to touch her. I came here to get you to talk me out of killing him.”   
  
Holly smiled, patient and almost paternal, but still enamored. “I would advice against that.”   
  
“It’s just that they went out into the hallway, and they came out of the hallway, and she was  _ crying _ . An-and if he did  _ anything _ to her then I swear to  _ GOD- _ I-I- _ ” _ _   
_ __   
When Michael gets riled up, it’s best to calm him down before whatever he’s doing derails the entire town.

Holly stood up and smiled as calming as she could. She grabbed him by the shoulders to get him to stop shaking like he was about to explode.

“Michael, when she’s ready to talk, she will, just give him time.”

Michael looked into her eyes and his features softened. He nodded, “You’re right.” He grinned, overly frank. _ “Thanks a million ace.” _

Holly knew what he was referencing and laughed.  _ “Why thank you very much govna.” _

They both laughed and stared at each other, eyes sparkling. 

Holly was the first to look away, always the more self aware one. She let go of his shoulders.

“Um … you should probably go back…” She looked back at Michael. “You’re needed elsewhere.”

Michael’s smile wavered. He looked at the camera and sighed. “Right…” He said quietly. “I forgot...that you...that I’m...I should go.”

Holly smiled at Michael, incredibly soft, like an apology.

“Yeah.”

  
~~

**~~PAM AND KEVIN ARE IN THE CAR the next day~~~**

  
“Pam?”   
  


Pam sighed. “Yes Kevin?”

Kevin was sitting in the back seat, playing with a rubix cube she’d let him have. (She figured it would keep him busy for a couple...months, or years.)   
  
“Um...I’m sorry.”   
  
“' _ Sorry _ ' won’t get them not to sue us.”   
  
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”   
  
“Oh kevin.”

**PAM**

**“Kevin has made ... a mistake...I don’t really feel like explaining, but let's just say David is...probably not pleased. He called me today to set up a meeting, and I’m pretty sure it’s about Kevin...I'm gonna make sure he doesn't get fired...I doubt anywhere else will take him..."**

“Oh my god! PAM? I just realized something.”

Pam sighed again. “Yes Kevin?”

  
  
“What if we run into Jim?”   


  
Pam flushed.

“Um...we might, but it’s a big building-” she stuttered.

  
  
Kevin giggled like a child. “Do you guys think you’ll  _ do it _ again?”   
  


“ _ Kevin _ ! Shut up and play with your rubix cube.”

  
  
“I can’t! It’s very confusing. It makes me feel stupid.”

  
  
If angela was here, she might say something like  _ is there anything that doesn’t? _

Pam resisted the urge.

  
“Well...you’re not stupid Kevin.” She forced out.

“I didn’t say I was stupid. I said it makes me  _ feel _ stupid.” Kevin was offended now. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Oh kevin I didn’t mean-” 

“Y-you’re the stupid one.” Kevin blurted out childishly. “Y-you hair is frizzy and-and you slept with Jim." Kevin grinned as if had just dropped a truth bomb on her.   


  
“We  _ didn’t _ sleep together..._not fully_.” She mumbled the last part. "Its-it was complicated, what happened between us, it was  _ messy _ and a terrible idea and-  ** _why_ ** am I telling you this? Also, I have great, _not frizzy hair."_

“Your confiding in me because I have an a door-is-able carcisma.”

“You mean you have an adorable charisma?”   
  
“Thank you.”

Pam sighed.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

“Hey Pam? I thought of something else.”   
  
Pam groaned. “Yeah?”   
  
“Do you think Jim’s happy?”   
  
Pam tilted her head in confusion and forced an awkward laugh. “Um, why-why would you ask that?”   


  
“Just wondering. He seems really unhappy now.”   


  
Pam bit her lip. “Um…”   


  
“I wonder...what would it take to make him happy?”

  
  
The question filled the air like a gas leak, slowly killing Pam with its implications.

“Maybe I’ll make him a pie.” Kevin said with childlike innocence. “Yeah! I’ll get him a pie, and a hug. Maybe we could eat the pie together while we hug.”

Pam smiled, thin-lipped.

“That sounds nice Kevin.”   
  


“Of course, you could just f**k him again.” Kevin said as if it was a normal thing to say.

“ _ KEVIN!” _

~~

David sat across from them.

He was smiling, condescending, but not unkind.

Kevin gulped.

Pam forced a wide fake grin. “Um...David that’s a nice tie. Is it new?” she was sweating. 

**PAM**

**"I don't like confrontations...or tense situations...they make me nervous. I'm nervous a lot."**   
  
“Yeah!” Kevin said. “Its downright sexy.”

  
David tilted his head and offered Kevin the same patient smile he offers all his crazy employees.   
  


Pam cringed and kicked Kevin in the leg. 

“Hey! Pam, that hurt. It hurts me deeply, not just in my leg, but also my emotions.”   
  
“Kevin, please…stop talking."

“Fine...but you owe me a pie...and another for Jim.”

Pam facepalmed   
  
David tilted his head in confusion, but he didn’t care enough to ask what Kevin was talking about.

  
“Look....”avid said. His tone made Pam even more nervous.

“ _ Don’t _ fire Kevin!” She blurted out.

“What?”   
  


“Please don’t fire him. It wasn’t his fault! Those kids started it and Kevin is writing a handmade apology letter to all their parents-”   
  
“Pam, what are you talking about?”

Pam faltered. “What-isn’t that why we’re here?”   
  
“N-no. This is about the cruise.”

“So I’m not gonna get fired?” Kevin said. “Awesome!” He stood up and giggled. “I’m gonna go get Jim a pie.”   
  
David nodded, because of course.

  
Pam smiled. “Have fun. Don't talk about me!” She added.

“We will though!” He said as he ran out.

  
“That's…great.” Pam sighed.

“Wait, what did Kevin do to those kids?”   
  
“Nothing. There are no kids.”   
  
“But you said-”

  
“What? No. I’m...I’m drunk.”   
  
“Your drunk?”   
  
“No, not drunk, just...I’m weird, I am a weirdo who says weird things.”   
  
“O-okay.”

“I-I don't know.” Pam started laughing. “Man, is it hot in here? Oof. You know, I had this cousin who was never cold-”

“ _ Pam _ .”

“I’m- I’m so sorry, you talk, you go.”

“You sure?”   
  
“Yes. I think.” She waited a few moments then smiled. “Yep, all done.”

“...right.” David sighed. “Look, we may have to cancel this booze cruise.”   
  


The grin comically fell off of Pam’s face. “Wait what? Why?!”

“Look...it just doesn’t make sense to keep doing these company retreats in places that lead to disaster.”

“What?” Pam scoffed. “Disaster? There...there are no disasters…”

David raised an eyebrow. “Remember last year, the Michael bowling incident?”

Pam bit her lip. “That’s not-”

“And the year before that? What Erin and Andy did to that poor fireman?”   
  
“Hey, they  _ apologised  _ for that...and his leg works perfectly fine now.”

“What about the year about that? The year that Michael and Holly took over a play...it was awful."

“They were drunk, and the play before they took over was terrible, so I would argue that-”

“Also, the play they put on went to a weird and  _ dark  _ place and we had to pay for  _ therapy _ so horrified audience members wouldn’t sue.”

“Well...this is a dark time in their lives, but I am still very sorry about that.”

“And the year before that? Ryan and Kelly had sex in that museum-”

“I’ve been trying to get to let me give them couples counseling so I can break 'em up-”

“And what about the year before  _ that _ ...the Jim and Dwight pranking war that got us banned from that other museum?”

“Oh yeah.” Pam smiled fondly at the memory

~~~

Jim sat in his office doing paperwork when Kevin ran in, panting and out of breath.

"Jim!"

Jim lifted his head up alarmed, then his features softened and he offered Kevin a kind (if not condescending) smile. "Hey Kev. What brings you here?"

Kevin pulled a pie from behind his back.

"Tada!"

Jim did a classic-Jim face of amused judgement at the camera and turned to Kevin. "You...brought pie to my office?"

"Yep." He grinned. "And another thing."

Jim raised his eyebrows, bemused." What?"

"I bought a hug."

Kevin walked over to Jim, set the pie on his desk, and pulled Jim into a bear hug.

Jim let out a strangled huff and patted Kevin on the back.

" _ Oh- _ kay buddy."

"You are safe now."

"...right." 

~~

David sighed. “Look, it’s a bad idea to have the scranton branch go anywhere...but a  _ cruise? _ A cruise that could  _ sink? _ A cruise with  _ other people?  _ It’s not worth the risk.”

“David,  _ come on, _ I-  _ they _ need this.”

“Do they?” David said, sarcastically and condescending.

“Y-yeah. They do.”

“I think you’re projecting a little.”

“I think that-that  _ you're _ projecting."”

David retained his patient facial expression.

“I...I didn’t mean that. You’re great. Your very smart.”

David continued to say nothing, hoping Pam would tire herself out.

“Look David, these people look forward to the company retreat every year. They like consistency, and feeling in control, and these retreats are dependable, and-”

“Pam, I think you’re projecting again.”

“I am  _ not _ \- Pam sighed and took a deep breath. “Look, David, if we have to cancel the cruise, I will- I mean  _ they  _ will...loose their minds…"

"Pam-"

" _ Pleeeease?  _ I'll do anything."

David tilted his head and Pam's cheeks turned red. "Not-not anything...unless…"

David's eyebrows furrowed.

"I mean no-  _ NO,  _ of course not anything."

David facepalmed and he let out a long weary sigh, wanting this to be over.

"You are not gonna make this easy for me, are you?"

"Nope." She smiled.

He sighed again.

"Fine."

Pam grinned. "Really?"

"Yeah, sure."

She stood up and smiled, hair bouncing. "Thank you  _ thank you." _

He smiled despite himself. "You are welcome. But Pam…if anything goes wrong...I am holding you responsible."

She nodded gravely.

"You...you have to make sure it is a  _ safe _ and  _ educational  _ experience."

Pam nodded profusely.

David sighed. "You can leave now."

"Of course." She ran out before David changed his mind.

~

"-and it's like, I enjoy making love to Stacy, but then she wants to talk about her feelings afterwards, and I like that too, but then she doesn't listen to my band…and that's kind of a deal breaker." Kevin ranted, as they ate pie.

"Well…maybe she doesn't have time. I wouldn't worry."

"You are right, you are right. God, you are so wise, anything you need my advice on?" Kevin pried.

Jim gave the camera a smug look and turned to Kevin. "No Kev, I don't need advice from you."

"You know, you don't have to look at the camera constantly to feel like you're being seen." Kevin reached out and squeezed Jim's hand. "I  _ see  _ you."

Jim stared of Kevin for several long seconds as he contemplated jumping out the window. He forced a smile. "Thanks buddy. That really puts things into perspective."

Kevin smiled, giddy. He went back to shoveling pie down his throat.

Jim started to look at the camera with a self satisfied smirk, then looked away, catching himself.

"Hey Kev, tell me more about Stacy."

Kevin smiled wide.

**KEVIN**

**"I've been watching a lot of Dr.Phil, I think it comes in handy for situations like this. Not that I'm saying Jim's crazy...I mean he is...but I'm not saying it, because that would make me a bad friend."**

~~~

Pam couldn't seem to remember where Jim's office was, she couldn't find it (she needed to get Kevin and go.)

She walked up to a blond woman who looked disinterested.

"Hey, hi, um, this is gonna sound embarrassing but, where's Jim's office?"

"Down the hall to the right."

She nodded. "Thanks. That is a stunning blouse by the way."

"It's not." She said dryly.

"Okay …" Pam said quietly, walking away.

She followed the instructions until she overhead Kevin's voice. He was talking about...sex?

"-and it just lasts really long for her, and not for me. It makes me jealous."

"Well…the male body -you know-its-I think you should google this...Google can explain it better.  _ Oh _ , actually, you should ask Angela, and bother her until she agrees to talk about it."

"You are so wise, Jim."

"I know."

Pam knocked on the door, avoiding looking at Jim, instead focusing on Kevin. 

"Hey Kev, ready to go?"

Kevin grinned. "Yeah!" He stood up and gave Jim another hug, once again knocking the life out of Jim as he patted Kevin back.

"Don't be a stranger."

"Oh  _ believe me _ Kev, I couldn't forget you even if I wanted you."

Pam reluctantly smiled at the sight. She and Jim made painful eye contact for a second and Pam looked away just as fast.

Jim looked up at them when she wasn't looking as they walked away.

"Where did you get pie from Kevin?" He heard her voice from the hall.

"It's a funny story…"

Jim smiled, earnest and genuinely happy, to himself. However, he saw the camera was still on him, and the smile was gone as quickly as it arrived. He rolled his eyes. 

"F**k off."

~~~

When holly walked into the office a few days later, the last thing she expected to be dealing with was Erin crying at reception. Of course, holly didn’t notice, Michael scott was the one who pointed it out.

Michael put one hand out to stop her from walking away.

Holly tilted her head at him in confusion.

Michael widened his eyes and tilted his head towards Erin.

The top of her head was the only thing visible. She rested her face in her hands and Holly finally noticed she was sniffling. She was crying, again.

Holly turned towards Michael and nodded towards the kitchen, and Michael followed her eye-line, then nodded.

Holly grinned, self satisfied, her and Michael didn't have to use words sometimes.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Dwight said, looking between them. "Are you communicating using  **telepathy** to conspire against me? Or  _ Pam _ ?"

Holly sighed and Michael looked utterly exasperated. "Yes Dwight, we somehow mastered the art of telepathic communication just so we could talk trash about you, and overthrow Pam," she said sarcastically. MIchael grinned at her, praising.

"What's that?" Pam said, opening her office door. “I heard my name.”

"Michael and I are threatening to overthrow you." Holly said, smirking mischievously. They snickered like children.

"Cool." Pam said apathetically, closing her door. 

"To be fair, it does like something you would try to do." Michael teased despite himself, giving her a tight-lipped smile.

Holly smiled back, wide eyed, broad.

"Ugh. Barf. If you guys aren't done with this shameless display at least move it to the kitchen." Dwight chided.

Holly rolled her eyes and said (humorlessly) "That sounds like a great Dwight."

Holly walked away. She motioned for Michael to get Erin.

Michael winked, knowing she would understand.

She did, Holly gave him a thumbs before closing the door to the kitchen. She smiled to herself, cheeky.

Michael braced himself and walked up to Erin.

"Heyyy kiddo. You good?" He whispered. The rest of the office couldn’t care less though, only Phyllis offered a glance of concern, then looked away, deeming it not worth it.

Erin lifted her head up from her arms, eyes red and puffy. She wiped a couple tears."Yeah, I'm good."

"Sure, sure,  _ hey  _ ** _maybe_ ** ...you could come with me and holly to the kitchen."

"I don't really feel like a kitchen adventure guys." 

"What's a kitchen adventure- why would we be having one-what are you talking about- _ god _ -" Michael took a deep breath "...we have donuts."

"Ohhh yeah!" Kevin said from his corner.

"You get nothing! It's all for Erin."

Erin smiled. "Oh gosh. Really?"

Michael nodded, nervously glancing at the camera.

Erin smiled, and stood up and walked with him to the kitchen.

He shut the door and locked it as soon Holly she walked in.

Holly sat at the table and smiled. "Hey Erin. How are you feeling?"

"Oh hey Holly! Are the donuts for you too?"

"Obviously we have no donuts Erin,  _ GOD _ !" Michael said, he leaned against the counter and facepalmed. "Why do you make it so hard to help you! Why won't these stupid kids just do what I say-"

"Um-!" Holly stood up and put a hand on Michael's shoulder. "What Michael is _ trying _ to say is... that we want to help you."

"With what?"

“You know…” Holly fumbled, unable to decide how to phrase it.

Michael, always one for being straightforward ( whether through ignorance or on purpose) said, “Erin, you have been crying a lot recently. You've also just been very sad and frankly it's bumming me out. Yesterday, I saw you eating ice cream .”

“What's wrong with that?” Erin said.

“It was radish flavored. Where the hell did you find radish flavored ice cream erin???”

“It was raspberry.”

“No it wasn't erin, I ate the rest of it from the trash and it tasted terrible.”

“That's probably because you ate it from the trash.”

“How  _ dare _ you?! Ice cream  ** _is ice cream_ ** even in the  ** _trash-_ ** ”

Holly put her hand on Michaels shoulder and whispered. “Your getting off topic.”

“Thats-” Michael looked at Holly and her kind and patient smile softened his frustration. He turned back to Erin and saw how upset she was and his anger disappeared completely. He sat down next to her and put his hand over hers.

"Erin, I am not leaving this room until you are happy again.”

Erin smiled and sniffled. “Thats sweet Michael.”

Holly smiled and looked between them, then flustered when she remembered there was a camera watching her and frowned, serious. “I won’t either.”

“So, what’s wrong Erin? You can say whatever is on your heart. “ Michael said.

Erin laughed bitterly. “If only I could.” She flustered when she realized what she said. Holly and Michael narrowed their eyes in suspicion.

Michael learned forward and sort of whispered. “Erin, did someone break your heart?”

Erin blushed.

Holly crossed her arms . “Oh, I think I know what this is about. Someone got involved in a messy office romance.” She said it sternly, as if she was scolding a child. 

Erin blushed. 

Michael looked between them, eyes wide and a childish smirk growing on his face. “OH MY GOD. I had suspicions but-”

“Michael.” Holly reprimanded.

Michael coughed away his laughter. “ I mean ... who is it? We won’t say a word.”

Erin looked down embarrassed.

“Who is it Erin?” Michael said after a long pause.

“Its um..well...it's kind of embarrassing.."

“OH MY GOD YOU SLEPT WITH KEVIN.” Michael shouted.

Holly facepalmed.

Erin sniffled and sighed. “I’ve told you multiple times I am not attracted to Kevin."

“I just feel like you guys would hit it off. I mean he’s nice, he has low expectations, you could be your weird self and he wouldn’t care because he’s probably so desperate for love.”

Holly cut him off. “Erin...its okay...you can say it. I already know. Also Michael, Kevin is married.”

“Really? To who?”

“Stacy! We’ve been over this.”

“_That’s_ still going on?”

“We went to their wedding Michael!”

“She's just so much hotter than him."

“No one gets it, we all accept it out of inertia.”

“Holly I love you-like I love donuts I mean-but um, please don’t use big words around me.”

“Your right, I’m sorry, I forgot about your unscholarliness.”

“You did it  _ again- _ ” He noticed she was grinning at him like the cheshire cat and he smiled despite himself. He let out a soft chuckle. "Shut up." He said, with no animosity.

They both started to laugh and Erin mentally compared the way Michael was looking at her to the way Michael looks at icecream, or chocolate cake, or any of the other desserts he loves so deeply.

Erin rolled her eyes at the camera. She turned back towards them, and waited a few seconds for them to snap out of it.

They did not.

“IT’S ANDY!” Erin blurted.

“What?” Michael and Holly both jolted, as if they were remembering she was here.

She licked her lips in embarrassment. “I was dating Andy.”

Michael gasped. "Andy conan?”

“N-no.”

Holly sighed, patient. “I think she means Andy bernard."

“Ohhhh…” His eyes widened and he after a few seconds he grinned. “OOOOHHH my god.”

Holly facepalmed.

“Please don't tell anyone! “ Erin yelled. “It’s...I…”

Michael clapped. “I won’t, this is awesome. I have never been more proud of you.”

“Michael!” Holly scolded. “Don’t encourage this!”

“But this is the most badass thing she’s ever done! I mean...dating an engaged guy? Erin you sly fox, you’ve come so far-”

“No it’s not like that-”

“Michael let me say something...” Holly interrupted again. Michael sighed in dejection.

“Go ahead. But I doubt you’d know better than me. I’m a father.”

“You tried to sell your baby online for a trampoline last week.”

“UM! NO...I wasn’t actually going to give them the baby. I was gonna take the trampoline and leave.”

“Still, it was a terrible idea.”

“Um, it was a great idea Holly, how else did you expect me to get a free trampoline?”

Holly looked up as if actually considering this.”Hmmmm.”

Michael grinned at her again.

Erin looked at the camera, annoyed they had lost their focus on her again.

Holly grinned. “OH! You could invent a time machine, and go back in time and steal the plans for the first trampoline, then invent them, so you’d basically own all trampolines.”

MIchael grinned and they both began laughing. “Holly you mad genius.”

She put her hand on his shoulder to steady herself as she laughed and MIchael held her hand. “We should write a movie about that.”

“GUYS!” Erin yelled. “I’m kinda going through something! ”

THey jumped apart like two opposing magnets. They both coughed and flustered.

“Right um.” MIchael coughed. “Well.."

Erin groaned into her hands. "I'm a terrible person!"

"Oh Erin, that's not true." Holly said. "Look, there are plenty of people who have been in similar situations."

Michael bit his lip and looked away.

"Oh really, like who?"

They both paused and looked around. “Um…” Holly said, fiddling with her thumbs.

OH! Uh...who was it..OH!" Michael snapped his fingers. "Jim and Pam!" 

Erin buried her face in her hands and started crying harder. “Oh God! I’m Jim!”

Holly looked at Michael with a scolding expression.

“Okay bad example.”

Erin stood up and sniffled. 

“I think I’m gonna go.” 

Holly stopped her. “No erin, wait.. you're not Jim...please stay."

Erin sat back down. “Okay, but only because I don’t want to go back to my desk. I wonder if Pam’s noticed we left yet…”

~~~

Pam walked out of her office holding forms, she walked to Erin’s desk, not looking up. “Hey Erin, I’m gonna need you to fax these forms.” She looked up. She tilted her head in confusion and looked around. 

“Um, where are Michael and Erin?”

“They’re in the kitchen because Erin is having a mental breakdown.” Dwight said unconcernedly.

Pam tilted her head again. “But why- you know what, I don’t care. Oscar…”

Oscar looked up. “Yeah Pam?”

“Fax these please. I know you know how to do it.”

“Pam, while it is true that I'm the only one in the office with the mental capacity to know how to do basic receptionist work...why can’t you?”

“Oscar I would rather drown myself than be a receptionist."

“Pam I just really don't want to-”

“Do it! I’m your boss and you have to respect what I say.”

Oscar rolled his eyes. “Okay okay.” He walked up to her and took the forms from her. “You don’t have to yell.”

Pam bitchfaced the camera.

~~~

“I just miss him so much!” Erin said, muffled into holly’s shirt. Holly resisted the urge to pull away, awkwardly patting Erin's back. "There there...wait where even is Andy?"

“Yeah Erin, what did you do to Andy?” Michael’s eyes grew wide. " Look, if you....killed Andy, we can help you-”

"I don't think that is at all what Erin was saying."

Erin lifted her head out of her hands."I...didn't kill Andy."

"He hasn't been here for days, and you've been crying a  _ lot _ ." Michael sighed. "Look, we've all had the urge to throw a coworker off the roof. I’ve never acted on it, but Dwight is definitely on my list.”

"Look, I didn't kill Andy ... but maybe I should have.” She said bitterly. "Wait no that's mean. Don't tell him I said that."

“I’ll get a shovel.” Michael said, holly grabbed him before he could leave the room.

“As the h.r. rep, and a member of society, I would have to suggest that you guys don’t murder a coworker.”

“It's better than seeing him with Angela when he gets back." Erin grumbled. "Wait no that was really mean, I need to stop talking." Erin forced a smile, but she continued to cry, which was an unnerving sight.

Holly smiled sympathetically. "Oh Erin... look, it's perfectly normal if-"

"If you want to kill him. I can’t promise I’ll follow through-"

"Hey Michael!" Holly said with a slight edge to her voice. "Maybe let me try talking."

"Holly, a word."

Holly sighed, and smiled. "No I'm good.Your way isn't working Michael. Let's try my way."

"Of course, but um, no offense holly, this doesn't seem like your area of expertise....I'm a dad. It's kinda my thing."

Holly smiled, still patient. When Michael is at his worst, its good to be patient. "Michael, I work in human resources. This is my job."

"That's...yeah that makes sense...God! Your so pretty I forget your also smart." He grumbled, unaware of what he had said. Holly blushed, then looked at the camera and blushed harder.

" _ So _ Erin, when exactly did you and Andy break up?" Holly said.

"We broke up three days ago!" Erin blurted out. " There's so many reasons, I couldn’t-god I'm terrible."

"You not a bad person. Your a wonderful amazing person. Andy's the idiot. He's just...horrible-" Michael started to say.

"I miss him so much!" Erin groaned into her hands.

"-horribly great! He's an amazing lad, that Andy. Did you know he can steer boats?" Michael said as he handed her a box of tissues.

"Nice save." Holly teased, grinning a toothy smile.

He playfully rolled his eyes at her.

"Yeah he does. " Erin said, smiling. Erin sniffled and blew her nose. “Course that was before I dumped him…maybe he's an astronaut now."

"It's only been three days, Erin." Holly said.

"Well maybe he's changed. Oh god maybe he's dead."

"I can make that happen for you Erin." Michael said. "I can drive over to his house, say I'm taking him to the carnival, and leave him on the side of the road." Michael smiled.

Erin laughed and grinned wide. "That's sweat, but no thanks."

Holly looked between them."Guys, I'm actually concerned you don't understand the ethical implications of murder."

Michael sighed. "Holly please…let me do my thing.

"It's just that when we let you do your thing it usually ends horribly…" holly mumbled.

Michael grimaced. "I...am going to ignore that…because you are obviously under stress."

"I...sure, Michael."

**MICHAEL**

**"Holly is great. She's like a lady baker. Sweet and kind and naive. However, if you put a lady baker in charge of a kid, the results won't be good. I mean, maybe she's gonna cook your daughter ...or dress her up like a cupcake? Who knows?! I'm not a baker. The point is...actually I forgot what i was saying...wait, oh yeah! I'm better with kids than Holly."**

Holly sat down next to Erin. "Look Erin, do you want us to leave you alone? Do you want to stay back from the cruise coming up?"

"I dunno guys. I miss Andy, but I also don't want to see him at the moment. It's confusing. I'm kinda glad he hasn't been here in a few days … oh god I hope he’s okay.”

“Maybe he killed himself.” MIchael said unconcernedly.

“ ** _Or_ ** maybe he’s sick…” Holly sat down next to her. “Erin, I know I already said this, but what exactly do you want? You need to make a decision Erin.”

“I...I guess I just need to  _ not _ listen to my heart...and move on…”

“That a girl.” She smiled.

Michael held out his arms. “C’mere you.”

Erin smiled and hugged him. Michael ruffled her hair. “I know it’s going to be hard, but you gotta stick to it.” Michael kissed her on the forehead and helped her up from her chair. They walked to the door.

“Yeah, I know…" Erin said. "It’s a good thing he hasn’t been here for a while and so he probably won’t show up for the cruise. I don’t think I could take seeing him today.”

Michael and Holly nodded in sympathy. MIchael opened the door for her. She walked out. Maybe things would be okay after all.

Just then, none other than Andy bernard walked through the door, like some kind of horror movie villain.

Everyone looked at him confused and annoyed at the interruption. Michael and Holly looked at Erin concerned.

Erin’s eyes were wide. She was frozen.

“ _ A-Andy _ ?”

“Where have you been?!” Stanley said. “We had to cover for you!”

“I...brought candy.” Andy offered as an olive branch.

Stanley glared at him for a few seconds, then sighed. "Yeah okay."

Andy threw chocolate bars at Stanley.

Kevin pumped his fist in the air. “ALRIGHT!” He ran up to Andy and grabbed the rest of the chocolate, eating it all.

“That was for everyone…” Andy mumbled indignantly.

Pam walked out of her office.

“What’s all the shouting about? I’m trying to do order shoes offline- **my God** _Andy?”_

“Hey Pam!" Andy grinned. "Oh Pam, I have missed your motherly presence-” Andy moved to hug her and she grabbed him by the shoulders.

Pam side eyed the camera (offended) and mouthed:  _ motherly?  _ She turned back to look at Andy.

“Andy... where the hell have you been?” she said curtly.

“Angela didn’t tell you?”

“Whenever we mentioned you she got super mad, and yelled, also none of us really cared." Oscar said.

“Oh Oscar, how I missed your mexican wit.”

“My God Andy... what on earth would possess you to say that.”

" I missed all of you. Phyllis, I missed your stories of your mob boss husband. Meredith, I missed your objectifying comments. Kevin, I missed your comedy.”

“What comedy?” Kevin said.

Andy began laughing hard, clutching his stomach. Kevin did his signature side glance to the camera.

Andy wiped a tear from his eyes. “God I missed that. Also, Holly, I missed your kind eyes, um, am I forgetting anyone?” Andy said.

“Me jackass.” Michael said, Andy didn’t turn to look at him, he was still looking around at the office as if he hadn’t seen it in years. “Oh Michael...I missed...your ...Michael-ness.”

“I called out an amber alert for you!” Michael said. 

Holly whispered to Michael, “Amber alerts are just for children…”

“Well then, why did my mother put out an Amber alert for me when I ran away?"

"Probably because you were a kid."

"It was over Christmas break."

“Andy?” Erin said. Andy’s eyes widened at hearing her voice. “Um, as your coworker I feel like it’s my right to know where you were . I-we was worried sick."

The rest of the office looked around uncomfortably.

Pam side glanced the camera. 

**PAM**

**"I don't think any of them noticed. I certainly didn't notice until I realized there was a distinct lack of singing in the office."**

**KEVIN**

**"Andy has this chunky lemon milk, and these past few days without him, I've been drinking it. Now that Andy's back….he's gonna want it back…..He really thinks he can just walk in here, like he ** ** _owns_ ** ** the chunky lemon milk?!"**

Andy didn’t look at Erin right away, when you look at the sun you can’t look directly at it after all. He slowly turned to look at her. He thought was beautiful, even though her hair was messed up and their were bags under her eyes and her eyes were red. Andy didn't notice. All he could see was his beautiful ex girlfriend.

Erin didn’t know what to do. He looked the same, a part of her had hoped he would look different, sadder maybe, or perhaps an astronaut, but no, he looked the same, still good old Andy.

The rest of the office looked at each other in confusion as Andy and Erin stared into each other's eyes.

Pam briefly wondered if she could pull the fire alarm, instead of having to deal with this. (Also, most of the firemen were pretty hot. The Scranton office building had gotten well acquainted with them over the years…)

“Oh God…" Andy said, voice breaking. (Pam felt bad for him, even if she didn't understand what was happening ) "I missed you...so much."

Angela rolled her eyes.

**ANGELA**

**“Andy has been moping around the house for a few days...I didn't tell anyone because I didn't think it was anyone's business...which it’s not, and really, it’s fine. Now that andy has taken the proper time to recuperate...we can move on..And ** ** _perhaps_ ** ** get married quietly and peacefully, like adults.”**

Michael raised his eyebrows disapproving and looked between them as Erin was still unable to speak. Michael crossed his arms and gave Andy a death glare.

“I mean…" Andy fumbled, realizing him and Erin weren't the only two people in the room. "I was...talking to all of you... I mean...Stanley, God, I missed you… so much. I missed your gorgeous smile...-”

_ “Andy.”  _ Pam said sternly, tired of whatever this was. “My office,  _ now. _ ”

~~

**~IN PAMS OFFICE~**

Pam stood in front of Andy, who was sitting on a chair. Her arms were crossed.

“Pamela, you look lovely today. Did you do something different with your hair?”

Pam played with a piece of her hair and grinned despite herself. “I mean, I curled it- _ hey!  _ Don't change the subject."

“Well, you know, it’s a funny story…. You know how we’re going on a cruise? Well...you know how I have experience with boats. My uncle actually owns a boat. It runs in the family. My dad once sailed a boat across a lake. Of course-”

Pam rubbed her forehead in exasperation. “Is this story going to take long?”

“I’m only in the first act.”

“It just seems like there’s a lot of filler...in this story, and I need you to get to the good stuff.”

“Well Pam side stories flesh out the world and the characters-you can't rush these things."

“Yeah but most people don’t care about that stuff. I need you to skip over that stuff."

“Pam, please…. You know, this reminds me of another story-”

“Andy!”

Andy’s smile faltered and he sighed. “Look, I have recently had a...deeply horrible tragedy happen to me, and ...my heart.”

“You had a heart attack?!”

“No, uh, my heart was broken, it was broken by a beautiful, crimson, rose…or an angel. A crimson rose angel.” 

“You didn’t come to work for a week because of a girl?! Jesus Andy...Also...your engaged! Oh my god...who is it? Is it Erin? Damn it Andy…"

“ Well, I couldn’t see her until I figured out a plan to get her back! Which brings me to what I was doing while I was gone. I was brushing up...on…get ready for this… cruise... I wanna sail the boat.” He grinned happily.

Pam bitchfaced him for several seconds as the camera zoomed in on her face. She rubbed her forehead and sighed forlornly. “Andy, get out of my office….”

Andy nodded and stood up, scared. “Right, of course.” He turned to walk out of the office. “So, can I sail the boat?"

“No.”

“But-”

“Andy if you are not out of my office in five seconds-”

Andy gulped and ran out.

Pam rubbed a hand through her hair and looked at the camera. She reached into her purse and pulled out a bottle of aspirin. 

The next day was...well, it was a day.

Pam walked into the office.

Michael was in the middle of drawing a dick (and a vagina for equality) on his desk in pen when he saw Pam. She walked in wearing a Blazer and holding a cup of coffee. She had her hair in a ponytail, but it was messy as if she had just rolled out of bed and tied it up, it was about a couple tugs from falling apart (which Pam might consider a metaphor for her life at this point.)

Good morning Pam." Michael said, leaning back against his chair to get a better view of her (not in a creepy way, except maybe a little.)

"Morning Michael." She said, barely looking at him, she seemed worried, as if she had other things on her mind.

"So..." Michael said, dragging it out for special effect. " I was wondering if I could possibly get out of going to this booze cruise? I mean... Astrid is just so sick. She has like, only 10 days left to live." He thought he was pretty convincing in his lie, but the way Pam was looking at him suggested otherwise.

"So why did you come in?"

Michael fumbled with his pen, nearly knocking over his stack of papers. "Um...so I could possibly make enough money to save her life."

"Mmmhmmm." Pam said slowly and disbelieving. She pulled out her phone and dialed a number.

"Pam who are you calling?" Erin asked, looking up from her nap suddenly interested.

"Jan." She said, smugly. It started ringing and Michael sweated so much he was practically swimming.

"Oh, you don't need to do that-"

He heard the unmistakable dry and deadpan yet somehow terrifying and angry voice of his...lovely wife. " _ Hello? _ "

"Jan? Hi how are you?" Pam exclaimed with forced enthusiasm.

_ "I'm fine, why are you calling-oh.... _ " She sighed.  _ "What did Michael do this time? _ "

Michael looked at the camera slightly affronted.

"Oh nothing yet, I was wondering how poor Astrid is doing."

Michael signalled for her to shut up, she ignored him with a smile as Jan asked.  _ "What do you mean? _ "

"Well, Michael said she was dying." Pam said smugly.

There was a long sigh from Jan.  _ "Give the phone to Michael. _ "

Pam handed the phone to Michael, grinning a stupid jim-like expression. **_I hate you_** he mouthed to her before putting on a false grin and exclaiming. "Jan! My beautiful wife how are you-"

What occurred next was: Jan uttered a long rush of words , most of them profanity, others Michael assumed to be profanity, but he had never heard them in his life.

Everyone either snickered or cringed in sympathy and after about 4 minutes of Michael calming Jan down, Erin generously made up a fake emergency as an excuse for Michael to hang up.

Michael bitchfaced Pam, who smiled. Michael thought she looked like a witch. A sexy witch. A witch like Jan. 

"Hope you have fun on the booze cruise." He said curtly. She'd won this round. (Pam doesn't get many wins, Michael decided to let it slide.)

Pam walked into her office, high on her victory.

**MICHAEL**

**"No, I am not looking forward to this cruise. I don't think anyone is...This year, Pam said we could invite our families, which means Jan will be there. My beautiful, terrifying wife...is going to be interacting with the...fragile people of this office... So yeah, I'm nervous. She especially doesn't like...certain people."**

Kevin promptly fell on the floor, holding his leg on the floor and groaning. No one gave him a second glance.

Pam walked out of her office. “Hey guys, have you seen a blue hair clip-Oh my god!" Pam ran up to kevin and got by his side on the floor. "Kev, are you alright?  _ Can someone get me an ice pack!?" _

"Pam, I think I'm dying." He said in an overdramatic and hoarse voice. 

"Kevin honey your not gonna die, where does it hurt?"

"My heart."

"YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK?!" Pam helped him up.

"No." He fake groaned. "It just hurts that...that i won't be able to go on the booze cruise."

Pam bitchfaced the camera, and dropped Kevin, who landed with a thud.

Pam walked back towards her office.

" _ Ow _ , okay...I think I actually hurt my back-"

Pam slapped the door.

**PAM**

**"Some people are annoyed by the idea of going to a booze cruise in January, but it was either that, or hiking. I think I made the right choice. Most of these people don't even use stairs... I'm pretty sure if I took Stanley hiking...them I'd look for an employee to replace him the next day...Stanley is in terrible shape."**

**HOLLY AND MICHAEL**

**"Yeah, I don't want to do this at all, for many reasons." Michael said.**

**"My main reason is that this is a recipe for disaster. I mean, Pam, booze, the rest of the office, a huge client, ** ** _Jim_ ** **, Pam, ** ** _booze_ ** **, JIM. I know I'm repeating myself here, but I just want to reiterate that this will end in disaster...because of Pam, most likely."**

**" Reiterate. That's a fun word. Why don't you explain it to...to the camera people so they know what it means."**

**"Michael it's okay if you don't know what reiterate means..."**

**"I...i do though."**

**"Michael, james bond never went to high school, he doesn't know fancy words, and we don't expect him too. All we expect of him is to keep being awesome."**

**Michael grinned wide at her, looking into her eyes for a beat too long. "Well, when you put it like that…"**

**Michael and holly giggled at each other, forgetting the rest of the world. The camera zoomed in on their faces and Holly looked away, embarrassed.**

**The mood changed and they both looked anywhere but each other. Michael looked at the camera. "But anyways, yeah we're f**ked."**

**~**

Holly knocked on the door to Pam's office and walked in, Dwight was with her.

"Pam? Hi." The way Holly was smiling at Pam reminded Pam of the way Holly used to smile at Kevin when she thought he was special needs. (Condescending and kind.)

"You know-" Pam said. "-when people knock, it's usually to ask if they can come in, it doesn't really make sense to knock after you've walked in.

"Oh Pam," Holly smiled delicately as if she were approaching a wild horse."How are you feeling?" Holly sat down.

Dwight stood behind her with his arms crossed, as if he was a bodyguard, or special service.

Pam looked at them quizzically and smiled her patented self satisfied smile. "I'm doing good, actually."

"So, you don't feel sad, or...like drinking a lot, and ...possibly ending up getting us banned from this cruise?" Dwight said, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what he was referencing.

Pam bitchfaced the camera.

"I think I'm gonna be fine guys. I'm not an alcoholic or anything."

Holly smiled as motherly as she could. (Pam thought is Holly's smile widened any further, her face would get permanently stuck.) "Oh Pam, it's just, this cruise seems like a recipe for disaster."

"And David wants you to give some sort of presentation." Dwight said.

"We would understand if you want some...help." Holly said bluntly, but not unkind. Pam didn't think holly of capable of not being sickeningly kind. (Pam would never get anything done if she was as painstakingly aware of other people's feelings as Holly was.)

"I got this guys. It's all gonna be fine." Pam said, smiling wide (and unkind.)

Dwight smiled and took her hand, condescending. "Pam, when a woman is around potential mates, and alcohol, or doing things without a man’s help, she is prone to outbursts of emotion, and failure. That is what will happen if you don't let me handle this, or get me to talk David out of this, or perhaps take jim out of the picture." Jim leaned close to her and whispered as if they were planning a murder. "Do you want me to  _ eliminate _ Jim, and his weird girlfriend."

Pam eyes grew wide "What girlfriend? What's her name? She's probably crazy if she works at corporate- She's probably not even that cute-I-I mean-" Pam laughed awkwardly to cut herself off. "Wow, I am...saying a lot of things...I should stop talking. Thank you for your concern, but I think I'll be able to manage."

Holly smiled. "Okay, but if you change your mind, come talk to me."

Pam nodded and forced a smile.

"Your loss." Dwight said bluntly. "But just  _ say _ the word and I will  **end** Jim."

"Dwight  _ don't do anything to Jim… _ we'd get in a lot of trouble for that, and it's not worth the paperwork."

~

When Holly walked out of Pam's office, Michael turned to her in his swivel chair.

"How did it go?"

"Yeah, how is she?" Erin said from her desk.

"Well, she seems to be holding up, no signs of a mental breakdown ."

"Yet." Michael said, grinning. "Uh oh, s.o.s." Michael stood up and did a robot voice, with a robot dance move. "I am Pam. Bleep bloop. I am a robot, and I overwork myself until I crash."

Holly grinned and joined in. "I am Pam. We-wo. I am allergic to nonsense. Please buy my paintings...I have terrible taste in men."

They both giggled like children.

Pam yelled from her office, annoyed,  _ "You guys know I can hear you?" _

Holly and Michael looked down, embarrassed.

~~~~

Michael's phone rang.

Stanley and phyllis looked at him annoyed, because he had interrupted their sales call.

He mouthed  **sorry** and ran out of the room.

**~~in the stairs ~**

"Heyy honey! How are you?....Listen, while I have you on the phone, I'm pretty sure Pam changed the rules so our families couldn't come....yeah that's what I said....no, it wasn't Holly's idea why would you even-???"

Michael's face grew increasingly panicked as Jan yelled at him.

"Okay!  _ Okay _ , I will try and talk Pam out of it."

He hung up the phone and groaned.

"Ohhh  _ god _ !" He rubbed his forehead.

**"HOLLY**

**"Oh Jan? She’s great..." Holly bit her lip and looked down, guilty. "But um, maybe she doesn't...mesh well, with the rest of the office?"**

**KELLY**

**"Jan's a b** ******** ***tch."**

**PAM**

**"Yeah, i didn't want to make this families included, but um, ** ** _they_ ** ** insisted. (By ** ** _they_ ** ** I mean those corporate ** ** _snobs_ ** **.) I'm just lucky my mom didn't want to come. Every time she does it's like 'what are you doing with your life' and 'you still work there?' and 'whatever happened to that warehouse guy or that guy with the messy hair? '...I don't enjoy it..."**

The next day was...another day.

Pam decided to have a conference room meeting (with this chick named Brenda there) and it went about as well as you’d expect.

When Pam was trying to diligently work in her office, Ryan knocked on the door, much to her chagrin.

"Hey Pammy."

"Don't call me Pammy." Pam mumbled, breaking the pencil in her hand.

"You are just the person I wanted to see, Pammy."

Pam tried to ignore the fact that every fiber of her being was absolutely entrenched with rage (as it always was when Ryan was near.) "Hey Ryan, could you close the door on your way out?" She said curtly, looking back at her paperwork.

Ryan ignored it and sat down in front of her. "Look, I would absolutely  _ love _ to go on this cruise, but unfortunately...my grandma died."

Pam widened her eyes in faux-disbelief. "Oh my god...again? I thought she died that time you couldn't come to our last company retreat."

Ryan forced a laugh. "Well...that was my other grandma."

Pam smiled slyly. "Hey Ryan, what's the name of the grandma who died?"

"Um...Sheri."

"Cool, cool. Hey Holly!"

"Oh Pam, I don't think we need to bother holly-"

"You called?" Holly said, startling them both.

"Hi Holly, could you call Ryan's grandmother Sheri and see if she's alive?"

"Of course I coul-"

Ryan stood up. "You know what, I think I should go...it's what grandma would have wanted."

"Oh but are you  _ sure? " _ Pam said , grinning at the camera for a second like the cheshire cat.

Ryan bit his lip in defeat. "Yep. I am sure."

Pam grinned ear to ear. "Cool, again, please close the door on your way out."

Ryan left, grumbling as if Pam couldn't hear.

Holly stepped out of his way . "So...do you still want me to call Sherri?"

"No holly that will be all."

Holly left the office in confusion.

Pam sighed. She took a deep breath and dialed a number.

**"'ello?"**

"Hey jim. "

There was a painful silence and Pam wondered if she had made a mistake.

Brian was certainly looking at her as if she had.

Of course, Brian didn't like Jim for some reason.

**"Hey Pam. Uh, what can I do you for?"**

"Um, listen Jim, maybe ...we could  _ not _ do the retreat this year?"

He chuckled. Pam huffed in annoyance. Stupid smug Jim. ** "Pam, why?"**

" _ Because _ ...it's causing more trouble than it's worth. Andy is probably going to steer the boat and kill us all...and everyone else has been trying to get out of it."

Jim sighed. Pam looked at Brian as if to say  **help me.** She was no doubt in for a lecture. 

**"Look, Pam, you gotta be tough with them, they... respond to authority."**

"Oh  _ really _ ?"

The camera woman facepalmed. Brian held back a laugh.

**"Look Pam, you know what I mean."**

"Do I?" She said coldly.

Jim ignored her last comment.

**"Um...maybe try holding a conference meeting?"**

"Already did."

**"Hmmm ...I can send someone in to help out..."**

"Really?" Pam perked up.

**"Sure thing. Or I guess I could just come myself-"**

" _ No! _ I mean... you don't have to come all the way out here, just send someone over."

She winced at herself for ever saying anything.

**"....right. well, okay. I guess I'll send someone over. "**

Pam smiled despite herself. "Thanks Jim."

**"No problem, it's literally my job...hang on a sec while I run this by Wallace."**

Jim put him on hold for a few awkward seconds.

**"Hey Pam, I'm back, turns out he was planning to send someone over anyways."**

Pam tilted her head in confusion. 

"Oh?"

**"Yeah, her names Brenda. She's cool."**

Pam's brows furrowed. "Oh...so um...you guys are like...friends? Or um, is she just like…"

Brian facepalmed.

**"Um…"**

"I mean why did I ask that-it doesn't matter…." She threw something onto the floor." _ Shoot _ gotta go, Erin just tripped and fell."

**"Oh, oka-"**

" _ Bye Jim thanks for the help _ ." She said quickly.

She hung up.

She groaned and let her head fall onto the desk.

The camerawoman lowered her camera. "I'm gonna go film something else less cringey too...balance this out."

_ "Shut up."  _ Pam grumbled as she left.

Brian chuckled. "That was like a car crash, I couldn't look away…"

Pam lifted her head and playfully pretended to be mad at him.

"If you don't leave right now you might find yourself in an actual car crash later."

Brain returned the playful smirk. "Wouldn't dream of it." He walked out and Pam let her head fall against the desk again.

Andy walked in. "Pam I'm gonna need-"

_ "Out!" _

Andy ran.

**ANDY**

**"Sometimes Pam low-key scares me...by low-key I mean very much so and all the time..."**

  
  


~~

"It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat." Pam grinned like a dork.

Pam was sitting at the front of the table, brenda was next to her.

Darryl and some warehouse workers were at the back, Erin too. Pam doesn't like being around warehouse workers, it reminds her off...stuff.

Andy was sitting across from Ryan.

Meredith Kelly and Angela were near the wall.

"But Pam." Erin said. " We already know-"

Pam laughed, looking at Brenda nervously. "Oh erin, no you don't. Because I was  _ not supposed to say. _ Right Brenda?"

Brenda nodded. She seemed like a robot. A dry, unattractive robot.

Erin tilted her head in confusion and Michael resisted the urge to laugh at Pam's expense. He probably would have if Holly hadn’t shook her head  _ no _ . Michael thinks Holly is so smart and wise.

"But you did tell us-"

Pam forced a long laugh. "Oh Erin, your a riot."

Brenda looked like she wished for death. 

"So anyways...we are going on a harbor cruise of lake wallenpaupack...it's a booze cruise."

"But Pam we already know this-"

" _ Hey _ erin _ , _ you know, I would love it if you would um...go to Wendy's and pick me up some chicken nuggets."

"Of course." Erin said, she stood up.

"Pam do you often send your employees to buy Wendy's for you?" Brenda said.

Pam winced. "N-no. The Wendy's…is for her…."

Phyllis cringed. 

"But Pam I don't eat chicken anymore, remember I'm vegetarian.."

"Oh... _ shoot _ . that's right, I guess you can't go. But um, go get me a rundown of the clients."

Erin tilted her head in confusion. "A rundown...I mean  _ of course. _ A  _ run down. _ I will go get you that  _ run down. _ " 

Andy turned to look at her as she left the room, sad.

"Pam." Angela said in a condescending voice. "I don't know what any of that was about...but perhaps you should stop flaunting your sexuality and focus on the meeting.”

The only way to describe Pam’s face in that moment would be a mental collapse. “Angela...how exactly am I flaunting my sexuality?”

“If you have to ask then it’s already too late for you.”

Pam rubbed her forehead.

"Wait Pam."

" _ Yes  _ kelly _ ?" _

"Who is this strange ugly woman?"

"Kelly! There are some things we don't say…" She turned to Brenda. “I apologise.”

“It’s fine. I’ve seen worse.”

Pam turned to the others and smiled. "So, I guess you're all wondering who this lovely lady is...her name is Brenda. She is here-like you- to learn what I have to say. She is also from corporate…"

"Wait _ Pam. _ " Kevin said (he was trying to whisper, even though everyone could hear.) " _ Do you think she and Jim  _ ** _know_ ** _ each other? _

Pam tried to mentally smack him, not succeeding.

"You know...I don't think it matters-" Holly mumbled.

“Hey holly, maybe you should let me handle it.” She said before you could take it back.

“Pam!” Michael said. “Don’t bite the hand that’s trying to help you. I just hate seeing my girls fight…”

“It’s fine Michael.” Holly said, clearly unaffected. (Pam envied her, she seemed like a caricature of a person. All kindness, no bite. ) “I’m really okay with it.”

“Please don’t refer to me as one of your ‘girl’s’ Michael.” Pam said curtly.

“Oh my god!” Kelly said. “Why are we ignoring what everyone actually cares about. Brenda, how close are you and jim?"

Pam might be imagining it, but Brenda seemed to actually smile at his name. Ew.

"He’s cool- I mean, we work together, of course we know each other."

"Oh cool, cool…" Pam said, licking her lips and holding back whatever else she wanted to say.

"So um...like...would that be  _ near _ each other, or like, is he on the other side of the building?" Kelly said, fully grinning like the thirteen year old girl she was.

"Um...like, in the same hallway..."

Most of the people collectively groaned and Pam looked at the camera as if to signal for help.

“Sorry Pam.” Kelly said, genuinely sounding upset for her.

“What..I don’t understand what’s happening.” Brenda said.

“No one does.” Stanley grumbled, doing a crossword puzzle.

“Yeah Brenda, if I were you, I’d just leave now.” Oscar said.

Michael grinned. "So like, how often does he visit your desk?"

“Michael no.” Holly said softly.

Michael bit his lip embarrassed. "I couldn't help it." He muttered.

Pam glared daggers at him.

Brenda tilted her head in confusion.

_ "Hey guys. " _ Kevin loudly whispered again.

Pam sighed. "...yes Kevin?"

_ "Do you think Jim is gonna pull a  _ ** _classic-jim_ ** _ on his hot assistant?" _

“I’m not his assistant, and, again, I have no idea what's happening.

Pam's face turned red. "You know-"

"She’s not that hot." Kelly said. "She's only like a five. Pam, don't worry, your so much prettier."

Pam looked at Brenda. "I am...so sorry-"

"Oh it's fine, I really don't care at all." She said dryly. (She  _ was  _ really dry. Pam couldn't imagine her being Jim's type.)

"Yeah, Kelly's right Pam." Phyllis said. "You are a solid 7 and she's a four."

Pam wondered if a fall from the height of this building would be enough to kill her.

**PHYLLIS**

**"Bob got this hot assistant a few years ago. At first I was worried, but then someone assured me that she was only a 4 and i was a ten...Pam isn't a ten, but still, Brenda's got nothing on her." Phyllis smiled. "It's nice to help out less fortunate women…."**

The office had mixed reactions to the rating of Pam.

“I would disagree.” Michael said. “Pam’s like an eight.” 

Pam ( who at this point had let her head fall to the table), said in a muffled (sarcastic) voice, “Thanks.”

(Brenda was on her phone, uninterested.)

“Nah.” Andy said. “She’s pretty plain in the face. Karen was definitely hotter.”

“Thanks.” Pam grumbled again.

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Pam rubbed her temple.

“I actually think...it doesn’t really matter.” Darryl said. “And we shouldn’t rate our boss’s hotness.”

“ _ Thank  _ you _ ,  _ Darryl.” Pam said, lifting her head.

“That said, Katy was the hottest.” Darryl grinned mischievously.

Everyone else collectively agreed.

Pam let her head fall to the table again.

Pam I’m sorry, I have too.

"Hey boss-lady?"

Pam sighed. "Yes creed?"

"Can I bring a bathing suit?. There are some squid I would like to befriend."

"That's-what? No, you can not swim in the ocean, Creed."

"But I-"

" _ No Creed." _

"Wait Pam?" Ryan said. "Much as I love this discussion on Jim being a hoe and creed wanting to swim with squids….and who’s hottest- which they’re right, it was katy- you should probably bring this back around to the cruise."

"Well Ryan , you are a waste of life and you should probably go end yours."

The office 'ooh'd' like children and Pam remembered Brenda was here.

"Which is...I would say ...if I didn't care about my employees..but I do...which is why we're going on a cruise ...see…it's all connected." She stuttered.

“Ryan, it’s okay.” Michael said. “I think your awesome, and as far as I’m concerned, you’re the hottest in the office.”

Ryan gave Michael an uncomfortable smile. “T-thanks Michael.”

Brenda said nothing, then sighed, and said, “You know...this has been…a thing that happened, but h _ ow about _ I  _ don't  _ tell Jim or David about this...and _ you _ don't tell them if I  _ leave _ this meeting  _ early. _ "

Pam blinked in confusion. Maybe Brenda did have a personality. "Oh...sure."

Brenda smiled dryly and exited the room.

" _ Damn _ . That lady has got this kind of a margot robbie thing going." Andy said. "I'd be worried if I were you."

Pam smiled a thin lipped fake smile. "Thanks Andy."

Erin ran back in, her hair a mess.

"I got the rundown Pam."

Erin handed Pam a list of signatures.

"Wh...what is this Erin?"

"I  _ runned down  _ to all our clients and got a their signatures. Well...I only got one...I found him at a Kroger…"

Pam stared at Erin for several seconds...then forced a smile. "Thank you..Erin."

"Yeah Erin that's amazing." Andy blurted out.

Angela rolled her eyes.

Erin blushed and looked away. "Thank you, fellow coworker."

Angela raised her hand. "Wait Pam, where's Dwight?"

Pam's face furrowed in fake confusion. "You know...I'm not actually sure…"

As if on cue, Dwight ran in.

"Pam, I spied on corporate like you said I could, and it turns out they are making Jim come on the trip as well, something about-"

" _ That- _ that's fine Dwight, thank you."

"You asked Dwight to  _ spy _ on corporate?" Holly said.

"No...Dwight is...confused."

"False. I am never confused. Confusion is only exhibited in losers, and I am no loser."

Pam looked at the camera embarrassed.

  
  


**MICHAEL**

**“You know, we always see people bowling with a bowling ball, but I’ve always wondered what it would be like to bowl with the human body...lets just say...I ** ** _myself_ ** ** bowled over the competition, then I had to go to the hospital. Totally worth it.”**

**HOLLY**

**“I had to miss out on that...I regret it deeply, for many reasons.”**

  
  


**~~~the day of the cruise**

Erin was in the back of a car with two people from the documentary crew. (A cameraman she didn’t bother to learn the name of, and Brian, the hot boom mic guy.)

Kelly had talked them into driving up to Pam’s condo. She was late to work after all, it was only fair they embarrass her. (That was how Kelly had convinced them.)

Why had kelly done it? Kelly has a sense about drama, and she was bored.

Of course, it ended up being pretty boring, Kelly had elected to spend most of it on her phone, typing.

The camera crew had considered it to be a good idea, despite Brian’s objection. 

Erin had tagged along too for some reason, and Dwight (ew). Kelly was sitting next to Erin, who sat in the middle.

“Turn left here.” Erin said. 

“Actually it’s the other way.” Dwight said. “You should never listen to woman’s instructions.”

“No I’ve been to Pam’s condo, it’s that way.”

“Actually, Erin, you are incorrect.” Dwight said. “Unsurprisingly.” He muttered.

Erin elbowed him, and they began childishly slapping each other.

“Watch it!” Kelly said. “Are we there yet?”

“We get there when we get there.” The cameraman said cooly. “Brian, you should get a camera on them this is great stuff.”

“You put the camera in the trunk.” Brian said.

“Oh yeah. Damn it.”

Dwight rolled his eyes. “Must you always film us? So nosy…”

“It’s our job Dwight.” Brian said, amused. He’d always found Dwight entertaining.

“Yeah guys, it almost seems like your trying to invade our privacy.” Erin said, she sounded sad.

“Well...yeah, that's  _ literally _ our job.” The cameraman said, less amused.

“I really don’t think this is the way to Pam’s condo.” Dwight said. “I’ve been here several times, with and without her knowledge, so I would know."

“I’m pretty sure this is it Dwight.” Erin said unconvincingly.

Kelly sighed and looked out the window. 

“ _ Oh my god _ is that Andy and Angela’s house?”

Everyone looked out the window. 

“Oh my God, it is.” Erin said. 

Everyone looked at Erin in confusion at how she knew this.

The blush on Erin’s face was telling, and a slow, sly grin crept onto Kelly’s face. 

She had discovered something interesting.

“Hey guys, let’s go bother Andy!” Kelly said, much to Erin’s chagrin.

The cameraman and Brian looked at each other. They shrugged.

“Yeah okay.” 

~~~

When Andy wakes up, it's usually to the sounds of one of Angela's cats.

When Andy goes to sleep at night, it's usually to the annoying and terrible sounds of Angela's cats scratching things up. Waking up in the morning is usually the same. If he's lucky, they aren't on the bed when he wakes up.

He wasn't lucky that morning.

He grimaced and groggily opened his eyes. He found himself face to face with one of Angela's cats.

He blinked in annoyance. "Good morning...I wanna say, sprinkles? Would you be so kind as to get off of me?"

Sprinkles did not move and Andy sighed. He lightly shoved Angela until she woke up.

"Hmm? Andy what-?"

"Your cat won't get off me."

Her eyes lit up as she saw sprinkles.

"Hey kitty kitty." She took him into her hands.

"Did mean old Andy bother you?"

She wiggled their noses together and Andy facepalmed.

The doorbell rang.

Angela and Andy looked at each other in confusion.

“Did you invite someone over?” Angela said.

“Not that I can think of. Oh, maybe it’s trick or treating?”

Angela bitchfaced him. “Yeah Andy, I think people are trick or treating, even though it is not october and we haven’t given out candy since we moved in together.” She said sarcastically.

“I just think-”

“Answer the door Andy!”

“Okay, okay! Jesus! I just-”

Angela pushed Andy off the bed. "Don't use the Lord's name in vain. Jesus is not your swear word, you heathen."

**~~kelly, Erin, and Dwight wait in the car**

Dwight had an unreadable expression as he stared at Andy and Angela’s house. 

“I’m gonna take a nap.”

“Dwight no- _ oh wow _ he’s already asleep. That’s amazing.” Erin said. She turned to look at Kelly, who was smirking at Erin.

“Um...why are you looking at me like that?”

“I saw the look on your face when we mentioned Andy. Are you and Andy involved?”

Erin let out a long, drawn out, incredibly fake scoff.

“What?! No…”

“Look, I am an expert on relationships and cheating. Ryan- my boyfriend- has cheated on me many times and I got him to admit it sometimes.”

Erin’s face was now bright red.

Kelly invaded her personal space. “I will tell you what I tell Ryan everytime.” She narrowed her eyes and glared as menacing as possible for Kelly kapoor. “ _ I know what you did...you can’t hide from me. Your hands are stained red with your crimes-” _

“Okay  _ fine!  _ Andy and I were seeing each other!”

“Finally! Something interesting! Go on…"

“We stopped seeing each other...and then he stopped coming to work...and I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Erin...if you don’t tell me more, I will literally start screaming.”

Erin sighed. “Fine.”

~

Andy opened the door. “Hello?” he said, groggily.

“Surprise!” The cameraman said with faux-enthusiasm. He was holding up his camera.

“....what?”

“We are um, here to film you.” Brian said, embarrassed for himself and everyone involved.

“Are you guys allowed to do that?”

They both muttered incoherently and the cameraman said, “How about we just get a quick interview and go…?”

“Uh...sure.”

“So,” Brian said. “Where exactly have you been for the past few days?”

**ANDY**

**“Where have I been? That is a great question, I ** ** _could_ ** ** answer it...or I could show you some of Angela’s cats.”**

Brian facepalmed.

~~~

“Erin I don’t care about all your emo feelings.” KElly said, interrupting her. “What’s he like in bed?”

“ _ Wow _ -uh…”

~~~

**ANDY**

**Andy gestured broadly. "This is mé cása." He was in a small laundry room surrounded by cats. His eye twitched. "Isn't it lovely?"**

~~~

Eventually Andy finished showing them Angela’s cats, and the cameraman and Brian left his house as he shut the door on him, all of them are eager for the unpleasantness to be over.

Erin didn’t look.

~

The cameraman and Brian knocked on the door of Pam's condo.

She opened it and greeted them with a forced smile, closing the door of her condo.

"Hey, um, why are you here? Is this because I'm running late? Did Dwight put you up to this?"

“Actually it was Kelly, but Dwight is here too.”

“So’s Erin.” Brian said, really embarrassed now. 

Pam smiled, awkward. “Fantastic.”

“Sorry.” Brian muttered.

Pam chuckled, enjoying seeing him embarrassed. “It’s okay Brian.”

He smiled despite himself.

**~~~in the car, the camera guy is next to Pam, Erin is in the backseat, with Brian and Dwight and Kelly.**

"So, today is kind of a big day for us-"

"We're going on a cruise!" Erin said.

"Yep. It’s going to be fun, hopefully.” She seemed nervous. Brian didn’t like seeing Pam nervous, even though she was often nervous.

"Yep. Lots of people are going to be there…” Erin said sadly, like she was thinking of someone. Probably Andy (Brian figured.) It was weird how Brian knew about the interior lives of everyone.

"What? Oh, I guess so. I wasn't really keeping track-"

“You know, maybe I shouldn’t be going to this. Maybe I could sit this out. Maybe stay at scranton and make sure no one dies…” Erin said.

“Erin why would...everyone will be on the cruise.”

“I'm just saying I think I think it would be better if I stayed back.”

“Yeah, I get what your saying, but why?”

"I…hate boats.”

“Oh, um, well, if this is about a fear of boats, then um...just take a deep breath, and...”

Pam rambled on and Erin sighed, cutting her off. “Thanks Pam that sounds great.”

“So...you excited to see anyone else?” Pam said, trying to change the subject.

“Well...Jim will be there.” Kelly said with a smirk.

Pam breathed out a long sigh. “Right…”

"Mmmhmmm." Erin said, smirking like a schoolgirl.

Dwight rolled his eyes. "If you had let me eliminate him, then we wouldn't have to deal with his presence."

Pam bitchfaced him in the rearview mirror. 

"You know, Dwight...I could roast you, but it would be too easy."

Dwight scoffed.

Erin was still thinking about Andy.

Pam and Brian shared a smile, looking at each other in the rearview mirror.

It calmed Pam down.

It made her feel like everything was going to be okay.

She was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. Hope you enjoyed it :)


	13. booze cruise (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tension between holly and Michael increases,and Michael is scared that he enjoys one second with her far more than the last few years with his wife .  
Angela, as always, is a bitch, and Dwight is starting to catch on...  
Erin and Andy are still avoiding each other, Andy struggles to break up with Angela, and Erin pretends like she's fine.  
Jim talks with old friends.  
Pam struggles to take care of everyone but herself...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The penis is the brain of the crotch. Damage the penis and the crotch no longer has a brain. Also, you’ll grow a vagina because you’ll no longer be a man. Michael told me that.”  
-Dwight

The wind blew in Pam's face as she walked up to the boat. The captain was standing there, waiting, distracted by talking to one of documentary crew who had already boarded the ship. Pam’s teeth were chattering and her breath was white. It was far too cold.

She kinda wished she had stayed home.

Holly and Erin were trailing behind her as they walked across the ramp.

The camera caught Erin chasing a butterfly, her face free of worry, or perhaps repressing some darker emotion in favor of a childlike dream state.

Pam never could figure it out.

Erin was an enigma wrapped in an enigma wrapped in puppies and rainbows.

The camera caught Holly writing diligently in her binder, feverishly making sure every detail of her notes were perfect, down to the dot.

Pam thought Holly could stand to ease up on herself, but if Pam said anything about it she figured she’d be considered a hypocrite.

Brian gestured for the cameraman to focus on Pam instead.

The camera zoomed in on Pam's face as she stepped onto the boat, the wind blowing in her hair. She looked contemplative, and unsteady.

Pam turned around to address the camera, and Brian held up his boom mic just in time, almost dropping it over into the water.

Pam chuckled. “This is our boat. You know, it’s like those old drawings I used to make, what it lacks in  _ presentation  _ it makes up for...in heart.” She grinned.

"What the hell does that mean?" the captain said, and he startled her.

She turned around to face him. She forced a grin, playing with a peace of her hair.

“Oh just that it’s … beautiful. It’s a stunning boat you got there. Very nice. Very easy on the eyes, not unlike yourself.”

He smiled, flustering a little that a beautiful girl was complimenting him.”

“T-thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.”

Pam fake grinned some more.

Holly rolled her eyes.

**HOLLY**

**“Somehow, when Pam’s around, she makes everything into some kind of early 2000’s romantic comedy, ** ** _except _ ** **it’s not that romantic, or funny.”**

Jack’s smile faded when he saw something that troubled him.

" _ Hey Pam, why _ is that  _ tall child _ dressed as  ** _pippylongstalking_ ** and  _ what  _ is she doing?"

Pam immediately knew who he was talking about, and she turned around in panic.

_ "Erin?!" _

Erin kneeling by the water on the ramp, inches away from falling in.

Pam walked over to Erin and pulled her up before she fell.

"Erin _ no! WHY?” _

“I wanted to see if I could find nemo.”

Pam raised her eyebrows, disbelieving.

“I rewatched the movie yesterday. Did you ever notice how-”

“Erin, please.” Pam turned back to Jack and sighed. “She’s not crazy...we’re normal people.” Pam grinned. “Afterall, pobody’s nerfect."

Erin laughed. Holly cracked a smile. Jack gave her a pity laugh, finding her charming.

The person who walked up to the boat first _ did not  _ find it so charming.

“Did you just have a  _ stroke _ Pam? Nice  _ stroke _ .”

Pam knew that condescending voice anywhere.

“Hello Dwight.”

He smiled.

“Hello Pam. Did you get your hair done?”

Pam smiled. “Yeah I did, thank you-”

“It wasn’t a compliment. Damn it Pam. Today, of all days?” He gave her a look that said  _ I see right through you and I think you’re an idiot. _

“Um..” Pam chuckled, as if caught in the act. “Can’t a girl just get her hair done for no reason?”

“ False . On an average day you put about 20% of effort into your appearance, baring the days Jim comes over, in which you put in about 60%. Today you have put in 80%, meaning you expect  _ something _ . You’re also wearing your favorite bra, and you’re wearing a lot of makeup.”

Pam covered up her chest. “ _ How-? _ I'm not even wearing that much…” 

“Dwight.” Holly said. “We’ve talked about this.”

“Oh  _ GOD. _ Holly, you look even worse. Is that a new dress? Women over 40 should never try and be attractive, it’s disgusting. Also, you’re dress goes up to your knees. Since when did you become a whore? Who exactly do you plan to entrap?”

_ “Dwight!” _ Pam said. 

“Who said I’m over forty?” Holly mumbled, embarrassed.

“Who is this weirdo?” Jack whispered to Erin.

“We just let him tire himself out.” she whispered back, catching Dwight's eye.

“ _ What are you guys whispering about _ ? Say it to my face.”

“I  _ said _ you’re a weirdo.” jack said.

“Your words mean nothing to me. Oh and Erin..?”

Erin smiled. “Yeah Dwight?”

“Maybe it’s just the lighting of the boat, or the sentimental mood, but I should let you know, you look less whoreish than usual. You look enticing, but respectable. Not like these attention seeking whores.”

Dwight and Erin smiled as if they had just exchanged pleasantries.

Pam and Holly and Jack just stared at him, disgusted and horrified.

"Thanks Dwight."

“No problem. Oh, and Pam, show a little cleavage, let those things breathe. Why would you wear your favorite bra and not show it off? You’re a beautiful, talented woman. You’re a catch, own it.”

“Thanks Dwight.” She said quietly, she looked down, embarrassed.

He smiled that smile he only gives her and walked on ahead.

~

Stanley and Terry walked up to the boat next. It was uneventful except that Pam accidentally called Stanley Cynthia and earned one of Stanley's horrifying death glared.

~

Phyllis and Bob were happy to see Pam. Bob asked about Roy, which was uncomfortable for everyone.

~

Darryl and the warehouse guys said pleasantries with Pam and Holly. It was awkward, as it always is when Pam interacts with the warehouse. (Holly mentally compared the way Pam and the warehouse guys interacted to how someone might interact with their ex's in-laws, expect a million times more awkward.)

~

Michael and Jan walked up next, pushing astrid in her stroller. Jan looked impossibly cold in the literal and figurative sense, and frantic. She looked like an evil queen.

Holly tensed up.

Michael's face lit up when he saw her.

"Holly, hey!" Michael said ran up to her and wrapped her into a big hug. "I didn't think you were coming."

"That's what she said." Holly grinned.

Michael laughed as if she had just told the funniest joke in the world, leaning away from the hug to put an arm on her shoulder. "Oh Holly, can you believe we're gonna be on a boat? Like in the Titanic?"

_ "'I'll never let go Jack'." _ Holly imitated.

Michael grinned and laughed even harder _ . "I'm kind of the world!" _

Jan looked between them, annoyed.

She grabbed Michael's arm.

"Come on."

Michael waved goodbye to holly, who smiled.

Holly flustered.

**JAN**

**"Hate? Oh I don't hate holly. I mean, if there is a fly buzzing around and pestering you, do you hate it? No, you don't hate it. You wait for it to fly away and hope with every fiber of your being it gets eaten by a spider, because you don't have the energy to kill it yourself. That's what holly is to me."** ~

~

Kevin and Stacy walked up next. Nothing of importance happened there, except that Erin forgot who Stacy was, and Kevin was appalled, because Erin was the flower girl at their wedding. You know, the usual.

Holly crossed Kevin and Stacy’s names off of her list, earning a snide comment from captain jack "why the hell are you writing this down" that she chose to ignore. Holly didn't have to explain to him that she liked order.

Holly blew her whistle when Kevin walked too close to the edge.

" ** _KEVIN WATCH OUT_ ** !" 

Stacy grabbed him before he fell over.

He proceeded to walk dangerously close to the edge again.

Holly turned to Pam. 

“I’m gonna go make sure Kevin doesn’t die.” she said solemnly.

“Please do.” Pam said sincerely.

Holly ran ahead.

“Kevin! Heyyy buddy.”

Pam gave a jim-like smile to the camera.

~

Andy and Angela walked up next, and Angela looked as if she would rather be anywhere else. Andy looked horrified.

(Even if you don’t speak of the devil, she appears, in clothes made for large colonial dolls, in the form of a judgemental christian woman, named Angela Martin.)

“Andy, hi.” 

Erin was unable to decipher through her conflicting emotions.

“Hey."

There was a silence, an expectant silence.

"You look, amazing.” Andy blurted out.

Holly facepalmed. 

Pam looked between them, confused. 

Andy caught Angela staring at him angrily and Andy flustered. He fumbled with his words, "Um, and Pam,  _ you also _ look radiant. Holly, sexy as always.”

Pam gave the camera people (mainly Brian) a confused look. Brian wished he could tell her the truth, but settled for a shrug.

“...Thank you for calling us sexy, Andy." Holly said, after wincing.

Andy shrugged as if to say  _ sorry. _

Angela rolled her eyes and pulled Andy away, he was barely able to choke out a "see you" as she dragged him by his hoodie.

Erin looked down at her shoes.

“I’m...gonna go inside.”

~

Brenda walked up next.

Pam smiled, feeling a little uneasy without her backup.

“Hello Brenda.”

The wind blew through Brenda’s hair and Pam felt for a moment like she was in some kind of western showdown.

“Hi.” she said it dryly, uninterested, looking anywhere else.

“You have a... _ lovely _ blouse.”

“Thanks, I got it at Ann Taylors. It was half off.”

Pam’s eyes widened, mocking, and she nodded, biting back a mocking smile as Brenda walked on ahead, looking as if she wished she was anywhere else in the world.

**PAM**

**“Riveting story.”**

**~**

Kelly and Ryan walked up next and they were, as always, the most annoying couple in the world.

Pam resisted the urge to push Ryan overboard.

~

Erin, unable to help herself, followed Andy and Angela to their table, watching them from a safe distance.

Something wasn't right.

~

Pam stood in front of the ship, watching everyone. 

Jim stood against the pillar near Kevin and Stacy's table, doing the same.

They looked everywhere but each other.

Jim hoped no one would mess this up, as the Scranton branch is oft to do.

Pam felt the same.

~

Holly knew better than to watch Michael and Jan. Holly sat down at another table and opened her binder.

She was happier to look at the pages instead of the happy families.

~

  
  
  


~~~INSIDE THE BOAT~~~

Inside the boat was warm. Jim was standing alone. He checked his watch and sighed.

**JIM**

**"My master plan is: wait till the boat starts moving, get super drunk, and, if I’m lucky, forget this ever happened. I don't mean to brag, but last New Years? I don't remember a thing." Jim grinned.**

The light shining in Pam’s face made it harder for her to see what everyone was doing, she could kind of make it out though.

Captain Jack was wandering around.

Kelly and Ryan were watching Kevin and Stacy as if they were aliens, or animals in a zoo, they were also sitting near Andy and Angela, and within earshot of Jan and Michael, so they would have a front row seat to the drama.

Erin sat alone against the wall of the boat, side-glancing Andy and Angela, who were sitting at a booth across from one another. She wished she could hear what they were saying.

"This table is squeaky." Angela said, she stood up and huffed like some kind of bad British actor. "Andy, fix it."

"I can't control the table." Andy muttered.

Angela bitchfaced him.

Andy sighed and reluctantly laid out his jacket on the table for her. 

“Thank you, Andy.” 

She sat down.

Andy sighed. Angela wasn't going to make this easy on him, was she?

Andy stopped a guy who walked by, grabbing him by the sleeve.

“Excuse me? Sir? Could you please get us a couple of drinks please? I will take your finest orange juice, and… get m’lady whatever she wants.”

Angela let herself smile a little at that. Andy could be sophisticated when he wanted to be.

The man Andy had grabbed tilted his head in confusion.

"Uh I don't work here."

" _ Why are you still standing there?! Get me an apple juice before I lose my freaking mind!" _

The man gulped. "Coming right up." He ran away.

"I feel kinda bad about that…" Andy said. "Maybe I should go back to anger management."

"It's fine, Andy." Angela said, surprising him. "You had one slip up in years. You've... done good."

Andy smiled at her, actually sincere, maybe he didn't have to break up with her, maybe-

No, no...he definitely did.

Andy looked up her as she drank her apple juice (similar to a hamster). Andy smiled a bittersweet smile and took her hand, delicately.

He gulped, Andy was never the best at these situations.   
"Angela, there's something I have to tell you."

She squinted her eyes in confusion.

“ALRIGHTY WELCOME ABOARD. I AM YOUR CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN JACK!" 

Jack interrupted everyone with his announcements.

Everyone turned to look at the stage, where Jack was speaking into the mic. Andy grumbled, annoyed, and he let go of her hand. She looked even more confused.

Erin shook her head free of the painful image of Andy holding Angela's hand. She had watched the whole thing unfold, but couldn't hear their words.

She shouldn't be torturing herself like this, by watching them…

**ERIN**

**“It’s time to move on. I should be good at moving on. When I was in a hospital from ages 3-6, I could have "dealt with the trauma" but no, I moved on… Like I will now, before this cruise is over.**

"Um." Holly stood up, and Pam thought she looked like a fifth grader about to give a presentation. "I'm Holly. Holly flax!" 

"Um, okay." Jack said.

Pam facepalmed.

Michael grinned, watching her from his table with Jan. "I know her!"

Jan sighed in contempt.

**JAN**

**"I don't care if Michael has friends. Holly certainly isn't any threat. However, Michael acts like a child around her, he's ** ** _giddy_ ** ** and ** ** _happy_ ** **, it's disgusting."**

Holly pulled out a binder. "I have some things I want to cover, the life preservers are located under the seats-"

"What are you doing?" Jack said, finally interrupting her, getting over the shock of being interrupted.

Pam and her employees collectively cringed, Kelly was looking out at Holly between her fingers.

**OSCAR**

**"Holly is like the kid in class who says** ** _ 'didn't we have homework'? _ ** **Of course I was also that kid, but I was cool. I was in math club."**

"Im, I'm just going over the rules." Holly defended, as if the captain was the one being weird.

"I was gonna do that. Also, why do you have a whole binder? Do you really need a whole binder?"

"I mean, safety is important."

He groaned. "Fine, but make it quick. There's not just dunder Mifflin employees on this boat."

"Alright. So, the coast guard requires that i tell you where the exits are in case the boat sinks.. " Holly rambled on.

Jack stepped to the side, where Pam had wandered off to.

"Hey."

"Hi." She said, curtly, trying to look everywhere but him.

"So, I'll just keep this simple. What do you say me and you go to the crew closest and bang this out?"

Pam gaped at him for several seconds. 

"No...you know, I don't think I'm gonna be doing that....um... Meredith might be interested."

She said it with the same condescending politeness she brings to all her conversations with stupid people.

Jack gagged. "Ugh, pass. Let me know when your ready to ride." He walked away and Pam sideglanced the camera in annoyance.

**PAM**

**"No, I will not be ** ** _'ready to ride'_ ** ** the Captain any time soon."**

"-and, finishing up, if the boat sinks, remember to put on a life vest. Also, due to...past company incidents with Dunder Mifflin and alcohol, try not to consume too much." Holly said.

Michael was grinning at her proud.

Jan was too busy on her phone to pay attention.

"That is correct, please, for the love of God, do not commit any alcohol related violations." Brenda said, and it was the most Pam had heard her exclaim.

Jim nodded. He looked at Pam (slightly playfull) as if to say _ : got that? _

Pam gave him a look that meant  _ shut up halpert. _

**PAM**

**"A few years ago I almost got us banned from Chili's. It was a dark time. I don't want to discuss it, just play footage of it or something. Or not, I don't wanna tell you how to do your job."**

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Well guys, this is a _booze_ cruise. How could you expect me not to get drunk and naked?"

Everyone gagged.

"Meredith please," Pam said. " _ Please _ don't get naked."

"I can't control what happens Pam. Whatever happens happens." She winked at Jim, who looked at the camera as if to say  _ help. _

"Guys!" Captain jack yelled. "Please sit down and shut up! There aren't just Dunder Mifflin people here today!"

Holly looked around flustered. "Of course." She started to sit down, but stood back up. "Oh, and no gambling." She sat down.

Kevin looked around embarrassed.

"You heard him honey." Stacy teased.

**STACY**

**"Kevin has a gambling problem...I'd be mad if he wasn't ** ** _really _ ** **good at it. He's so smart."**

**The camera crew laughed, then stopped when they figured out she wasn't joking.**

Pam looked around, figuring she should sit down . Everyone was suddenly very interested in the ceiling tiles. 

**PAM**

**"I guess I'll sit alone…I am having a lot of deja-vu to high school right now."**

Captain Jack got up to the front of the boat again.

"Alright, not only am I the ship's captain, I am  _ also _ your  _ party _ captain! So have fun! But not too much fun, unless your hot." He winked at pam, who grimaced at the camera.

Jim looked between them, his face unreadable.

~~~~~

Jan sat across from Michael, she was busy texting.

Michael sighed dramatically.

Jan looked up and glared at him. “ _ What’s _ the problem Michael?” 

“Nothing...why would there be a problem?” He said sarcastically.

“Well.. maybe because you just sighed like your the president of the united states and you have to decide whether or not we’re going to war.”

Michael forced a smile. “I  _ feel _ as if you are not respecting my feelings.”   
  
“I ....  _ affirm _ your feelings, but I  _ feel _ as if you are  _ overreacting _ .”   
  
“I ,  _ affirm _ your opinion, but I  _ recognize _ your opinion is  ** _false_ ** .”

Jan looked at the camera as if to say  _ kill me. _

Kevin leaned over from the table next to them. “Are you guys high? If so, I  _ affirm _ your right to get high, and my  _ opinion...is _ that you should share."

Jan groaned. "I can  _ not _ deal with this right now. You are all  _ so distracting! _ ."

"What do you mean? You're literally doing nothing to be distracted from!" Michael said.

Dwight, who was listening in, frowned. 

**DWIGHT**

**"Jan brings out this angry, bitter side to Michael, I hate it."**

Jan took a deep breath.

"Michael, I think you should go…"

"What? Why?"

"Just  _ go  _ Michael."

"I...are you divorcing me?"

"I meant leave the table!"

Michael nodded and hurried away before she decided to actually divorce him.

When Jan makes Michael upset, which is often, he has to talk to one of his best friends, holly, Erin, or Pam to cheer him up. (Or ryan, but he's never around for some reason.)

The first person he spotted was Pamela beesly, his queen, his ace of cards, his sword in the stone, his jack of all trades...invisible Knight...etc.

She was sitting at a table by herself. She seemed focused on something, but trying to pretend like she wasn't.

"Hey spamster." 

She looked over at him ( only for a split second, Pam had learned very early on that there's something dark buried very deep inside of Michael, something that craves attention, it's best not to give him any.)."Spamster?" She inquired. "Pam +....hamster?"

"Pam+spam+hamster. Jan hates it when I say that... Don't tell her I said that…"

"Right." Pam said, feeling bad for Michael at the mention of Jan. Michael has a habit of drawing people in with pity. Pam sighed, before smiling at him as if she were talking to a child, giving him that attention that he craves. "What can I do for you Michael?" 

"Well...I was wondering…" he sat down across from her. "If you could include me in this?"

"I...what do you mean?"

"Jan banished me from my table...and my baby...so I'm a little bit bored, as you could imagine."

There it was, the pity trap. Pam doesn't even know if Michael does it intentionally, but it always works on her, sadly. "Oh Michael…"

"Well, I was hoping I could maybe... assist you in whatever your doing?...Wait-what are you doing exactly? This is weird Pam. You look like a creepy stalker."

Pam seemed to be doing absolutely nothing. She was sitting in a booth, alone, drinking alcohol. She clearly wanted to be alone, but Michael was never the best at picking up on "subtle socialable cubes" as Kevin would say.

She sighed. "Michael...I...you can stay here but please don't talk. I'm...busy." she looked over the side of Michael's head.

"What are you so busy doing? Why does everyone tell me that  _ they are busy _ when they're  _ cleary _ doing  _ nothing _ ?" He grumbled.

"I...don't know what your talking about...so just, move your head to the left a little...and ...tell me about Astrid."

Michael started too, but then he stopped. 

"Much as I love talking about my baby, I feel as if you are avoiding talking about something? What are you hiding?" He grinned at her playfully.

"Nope. Not doing this."

Michael grinned. "Ooh... so it's important then?"

"Shut up." Pam said, and Michael finally noticed she was looking at something other than him. Michael turned around to see none other than Jim halpert and Brenda, chatting it up.

Michael turned back to Pam and grinned like a kid."Oohhhh, Pamela is jealous and spying on Jimothy."

"What! No…"

**PAM**

**(Pam had a drink in hand.) “I just think it’s a little weird that Jim gets to bring a date to this and the rest of us can’t. Maybe I had a date...I mean ** ** _I don’t_ ** ** but if I did...I feel like I’m screaming, am I screaming?” She took another drink.**

"You are spying! Your like a spy!" He grinned. "What's it like being  _ Mrs.bond-if-your-nasty _ ?" He giggled at the camera.

Dwight, who was listening in, sighed. 

**DWIGHT**

**"Pam brings out this annoying side of michael. I hate it. Good thing she has the personality of a fern, so Michael won't try and mate with her, and Pam doesn't like Michael because he doesn't smell like her father."**

"Michael...we've talked about this...I don't understand what you mean when you talk in movie references."

Michael grinned wider. "Pam and Jimothy sitting in a tree, k-i-s-i-s-i-p-i." He sang, then laughed, then frowned. "Wait ...that's not right…"

Pam was now red in the face. "Michael!"

Michael felt a stab a guilt at her embarrassment and said, "Oh Pam, You don't like him still... do you?"

Pam was surprised at the serious place the conversation had gone. "Wow."

"What?"

"I can't believe you are attempting to have a serious conversation about relationships without turning it into a joke about sex...I'm impressed."she offered him a mocking half smile.

"Hey! I'll have you know, I don't do that stuff anymore."

"Yes you do."

"Well I do...but don't tell Jan. Jan doesn't like it."

“Oh.”

**PAM**

**“Michael has...definitely ** ** _calmed down_ ** ** over the years. I assumed it was him naturally maturing...but maybe Jan has just been dampening his...Michaelness. On one hand...** ** _great_ ** **. Less lawsuits. On the other hand…”**

Pam smiled at Michael with genuine empathy, actually seeing him for the first time that night. “Tell me about Jan, Michael.”

“Why?”

Pam smiled. “Just curious. I...live a very boring life.”

It's not like it was a lie.

Michael chuckled at her expense. “That is true...um…” His smile faded as he thought about what to say. "Oh! One time…"

~~~~

Erin stood on the dock, watching the sea. She didn't think she could avoid talking to Andy, so she decided to wait up there.

It wasn't great.

~~~~

Darryl sat at a table with three other warehouse workers.

He looked bored out of his mind, opting to drink instead of paying attention to their mindless conversation.

~~

Meredith was checking out Captain Jack, trying to talk to him.

Jack was doing his best to avoid that ever happening.

~~~

Brenda had elected to find more drinks (or perhaps that was an excuse to walk away from Jim. Jim couldn't tell.)

Jim walked around, bored, unsure of what to do now.

Kevin was watching him. 

"Can we please invite Jim over?" He said to stacy. 

"Oh my god, Jim! I haven't seen him I forever…"

"Hes a dick now." Kelly said from the next table over.

"Yeah, classic society corruption." Ryan said.

"Wait Kevin have they been listening in on us the whol-" 

"Jim!" Kevin called. "Over here!"

Jim's face lit up slightly. "Hey Kev." He said, walking over. "Stacy." He said, doing a polite mock-bow. "You look well."

"Not as well as you do, fancy new halpert." She said playfully.

He laughed. "Never heard that one before."

She laughed with him and Kevin looked between them, happy. "Sit with us man."

"Oh, I couldn't-"

"Oh come on!" Stacy said. "It's been ages! Jim no offense but …"

"No one else is gonna offer. Everyone hates you." Kevin said bluntly.

"Thats not accurate." Jim mumbled at the camera.

"Yes it is." Ryan and Kelly said from the next table, startling him.

Kevin nodded.

"Look.." jim said, forcing a laugh. "It's just because I'm the boss."

"Oh Jim…" Stacy said sweetly. "From what Kevin's told me it's because they find you (and Pam) smug and self centered-"

"Nope!" Kevin lied. "Jim's right! Sit down boss man." 

**KEVIN**

**"Jim is a sensitive guy. Hes basically a human butterfly. Hes the kind of guy you should never be honest with. That's why I lie to him all the time, as friends do." Kevin grinned.**

Jim playfully sighed in defeat and he sat down across from them.

"So, how's the band?" Jim said, scratching his neck, because Jim has a way with words. Kevin wanted to give him a hug, or a dictionary. Kevin has very little patience for stupidity.

"Scrantonisity? It's epic!" Kevin rambled and Jim looked into the camera sheepishly.

**JIM**

**"Would I have chosen to be here? No...do I regret it? Well.... oh! Can we ** ** _please_ ** ** talk about Captain jack? He certainly...has a way with words." Jim said, mocking. He grinned his classic smug grin at the camera.** **   
** **~~~~**

Andy was in the bathroom, looking at the mirror, taking a deep breath. He was gonna do it.

He was gonna break up with Angela.

~~~

Dwight walked around, bored, (he couldn't just stand around Angela the whole night, it would look suspicious. Thats why he opted to observe everyone else.) He spotted Jim talking with Kevin and Stacy and sighed.

**DWIGHT**

**"Normally I'd jump at the chance to embarrass halpert. Now...I dunno. I feel weird, maybe it's the moon, but I wish my girlfriend could actually talk to me in public sometimes. Is that crazy? Yeah it's crazy…"**

~~

Michael and Pam continued to talk, Michael rambled on about Jans horribleness and Pam resisted the urge to go throw her overboard.

Why was Michael still with her?

"-and another thing...Jan doesn't like when I make jokes, but you know, it's fine...you can either be funny or happy, I choose to be happy...I'm really happy." Michael smiled, he hoped it looked sincere.

Michael isn't the best at reading faces, but he could sense something strange about the way Pam was looking at him. Pity? Guilty? 

Pam’s smile was sadder than her other smiles as she took Michael's hand.

Michael's hand grew wide. "Pam...I'm a married man."

"Ew! Michael!"

"Maybe Jan would let you join us-"

" ** _Michael_ ** ! No! Just...think of me as Astrid or something. This is  _ strictly platonic." _

“Astrid has tiny baby hands, your hands are brittle and slender, like my mother’s.”

_ "Michael." _ She warned.

Michael dropped the act,( the fake smile, the accent,) and sighed. "Yeah okay." He squeezed her hand, it wasn't romantic in the slightest, it was just Pam.

"Thanks."

**MICHAEL**

**"Pam's great. Sweet, old-lady-hands-Pam. She's never gonna go anything wrong."**

"No problem." Pam said, happy to help.

Michael felt guilty again, like there was something else he should be saying, as Pam started to stare at Jim again.

"I meant it." He blurted.

"Hmmm?" She had once again gone back to watching Jim, and thus was not paying attention to Michael anymore, because, when Jim is around, nothing else exists for Pam (Michael thought it was pretty unhealthy, all things considered. When he's with jan he knows other things exist.)

“Pam?”   
She continued to not hear him. He pulled his hand away and waved it in front of her.

“ _ Pamera?” _

Pam bit her nail, still looking at Jim, laughing and talking with Stacy and Kevin.

_ “Pam-a-lama-ding-dong!” _

Pam whipped her head away from Jim to glare at Michael. “I told you not to call me that anymore.”

“I had to get your attention  _ Pam, Pam, thank you ma’am. _ ”   
“You don’t have to keep calling me nicknames, you already have my attention.” She muttered indignantly.

“Look _ , Pamela _ , you’re... young and smart, you've got a great pair of breasts-"

" ** _Michael."_ ** She scolded.

" _ Point is... _ you've got your whole life ahead of you. One day your gonna meet somehow who deserves you."

"I really hope you aren't making another pass at me." She said, but it was playful , to lighten the tension, she knew what he was saying. He grinned, happy he was getting through to her. 

"Look, out of all the salesmen-and women- they chose you. And much as we all mock you behind your back every Tuesday-"

"What?"

"-you...are a  _ great _ boss. I am  _ really _ proud of you." He smiled, sincere. 

Pam smiled, nearly tearing up.

"Besides, solo work is always an option, if you're lonely.  _ Get to know yourself. _ You could put out some candles-"

"Ugh. Michael…You were doing so well. Why do you make it so hard to-"

"That's what she said."

"Thanks." She muttered, and she meant it. (Not for the pervy comments.)

For the first time in a while, Michael felt like he wasn't about to approach his impending doom.

Of course, speak of the devil and she appears, the beautiful doomsday in the form of holly flax snuck up on him.

"Michael? Pam?"

"Hmm?" Pam said, startled. " Oh, Holly. Hey. "

Pam noticed Holly grin in that special way that’s reserved for Michael scott. The corners of her mouth slowly tilted upward until she was grinning from ear to ear. “Hey Michael.”

He did the same, also grinning from ear to ear. “Hi.”

Pam looked between them, amused. “Hey! I’m here too.”   
  


They both blushed.

Pam realized she would have to get a conversation going, lest they all just look at each other in silence. 

  
“So...what brings you here.” Pam said, snapping them out of her staring contest.

“Well...I was just going around, making sure no one dies.”

Michael laughed as if she had just told a joke. Pam smiled sympathetically. “I hear that. Holly, why don’t you sit down, relax.”

“I would just  _ 'sit and relax' _ , but then someone might jump overboard, I already had to stop creed from-”

  
“Pam isn’t that your job?” Michael said, always one for stating the uncomfortable subtext.

Pam and Holly shared an uncomfortable look. “Well...It’s a grey area.” Pam mumbled.

“I mean  _ technically _ it's her job but I like doing it.” Holly mumbled as well.

  
Michael looked at the camera. “Ooh, drama. Don't catfight ladies."

Pam wanted to smack him.

Holly wanted to facepalm, or walk away, but she felt like that would be admitting defeat.

  
“So, Pam, what are you up to?” Holly said.

“Well-”

  
“Me and Pam are just vibing.” Michael said, talking over her.

Holly tilted her head in concern.

"Yeah...Pam doesn't 'vibe' with anyone unless something is very wrong." It was mean, but it was true, so Pam didn’t object. Holly turned to Pam. "Are you okay? Did something happen? " 

"No, it's just...I'm fine, really." Pam started to say.

Holly's eyebrows narrowed, unconvinced. She turned to Michael for clarification.

Michael and Holly did one of their eye conversations as Pam looked in-between them, confused.

Holly turned to Pam. "Oh, I get it. It must be awkward seeing Jim again."

Pam sighed. “No Holly, Jim has nothing to do with anything.” She did another shot. “I’m...gonna go get more drinks...I just finished my second drink.”   
  


She walked away.

"I wonder what that was all about?" Holly said.

"Well...I think Pam still wants to  _ do _ jim." Michael said in all seriousness.

I figured Jim would be the one doing her.” Holly made bed creaking noises and Michael laughed.

“Holly..” Michael raised his eyebrows, mischievous. “Do you  _ honestly _ think Jimbo bimbo would ever top anyone?” Michael hoped Jim wasn’t around to hear. 

**JIM**

**"He said ** ** _what?_ ** ** "**

That got Holly laughing even harder. “Of course, my mistake."

Pam looked between them, satisfied.

"Im...gonna go do something."

She stood up and left, so they would be alone together, to Michael and Holly's confusion.

**PAM**

**Pam was grinning at the camera, infectious and wide and self satisfied. Brian thought for a horrifying second she looked a bit like Jim.**

**"I want them to be happy." She simply said. **   
  
~~~

Jim had settled for playing with his drink while Kevin and Stacy talked over him.

Jim didn't really feel like talking about Scranton.

"Jim, what's that on your shirt?" Kevin said, failing to hold back giggles.

Jim looked down and Kevin flicked him in the chin. Stacy and Kevin laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world.

Jim half smiled, sort of apathetic. He glanced at the camera before deadpanning (with a small grin):

"Hilarious."

Stacy looked at him with an unreadable expression, suddenly not laughing anymore. 

"Honey, you seem tired."

"Hmmm?"

"What's wrong?"

Jim forced a laugh. "Nothing's wrong."

Kevin and Stacy looked at each other, doing that thing couples do when they can communicate without talking.

Kevin turned back to Jim. "How's...your job?"

Jim blinked in surprise. "What? Why do you wanna hear about me job?"

"Just curious."

Jim opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it. He sighed and turned to Stacy., "Yeah okay. Um...I applied for the job a while ago. Maybe like-"

"Almost a decade. " Kevin said.

" _ No.  _ How old do you think I am?"

"Like a hundred."

Jim sighed. "Maybe it was like six years ago."

"More like eight." Kevin muttered.

Jim ignored it. "I  _ do _ like the job. It pays well."

Stacy gave him a look that saw right through him. "Those are two separate things. Do you  _ like _ the job, or does it pay well?"

Something about her words cut at something inside Jim's subconscious that he didn't want to analyze.

"Is that a diamond ring?" Jim gestured at Stacy's hand. "How did you afford that?" He grinned. (It was kinda mean, he knew that...but...Kevin started it.)

"Uh……….well."

Stacy looked hurt and Jim felt guilty. He shouldn't be attacking Kevin.

"I'll...go get us more drinks."

~~

Michael made more bed creaking noises and they laughed, really loud, so loud that some of the people near them moved to another table. 

"Wait..” Holly said, face red from the laughter. “I was thinking of Andy and Erin."

"Oh yeah... wait, where are they anyways?"

"Well...Andy is talking to Angela, cause he's a frightened little bitch, and Erin is...I actually don't know where she is."

Holly laughed. "Those idiots."

"Right, I mean, who doesn't just say how they feel?" Michael laughed.

Holly's face changed ever so slightly. "Well...maybe Andy can't. "

Michael's face changed too, ever so slightly. "Well...he should, if he doesn't then he's a coward."

"Or maybe he's doing what's best for everyone. Maybe he thinks Erin's bluffing."

"Maybe she isn't."

For some reason, Michael felt like they weren't talking about Andy and Erin anymore. He was pretty confused overall, but he knew that much.

Holly sighed. "I guess they just aren't meant to be."

A little bit of the color drained from Michael's face, and Michael didn't know why, but that made him tremendously sad.

"I guess not."

Holly smiled, bitter.

Michael looked around, for some reason, he felt like this was a trap.

Holly turned back to michael, and some of the color came back into her face for some reason.

"Wanna pull a prank?"

Michael grinned wide, with overwhelming joy that everything was good. "You mean it? You hate pranks."

"Well...we're on a cruise...we should be able to have a little fun here."

Michael didn't know why what she said had made him blush. "W-well...get ready to learn from the prank king!"

Holly smiled, teasing.. "Oh Michael, I know you and Erin have tried to fill Jim's prank void, but the truth is...you guys just aren't good at it." She said it playfully, not intending to be rude, it was more of a challenge than anything.

Michael scoffed, but he wasn't actually mad, it was more playful than anything. 

"Well well well, holly flax dares challenge the prank master?"

"Again, michael...you guys just aren't good…."

"Hey!" Erin said. "I'm amazed at pranks." She startled both of them.

"Erin?" Michael grinned. "Where did you come from?"

"I was listening in...I'm really bored."

**ERIN**

**"I decided to come back down. The wind was getting too cold i think my tongue is frozen. It's like that movie where-"**

Michael wanted to question further but Holly cut him off.

"Erin, .. Wanna help?." Holly teased.

Erin gasped and teared up. "Absolutely I do."

"Can you guys please stop it? The childishness of this encounter is making me vomit. Don't you have work to do?" Dwight asked.

_ "where did you come from?!" _ Michael said.

"I'm bored. I miss my girlfriend but she is...occupied...and you guys are a steady source of entertainment, your pathetic game of emotional chess amuses me.

Michael, like always, had no idea what dwight was saying, but Holly seemed to, because she bitch-faced him.

She turned to Michael, ignoring Dwight. "Ten bucks says I can pull a better prank than you."

Michael grinned. "Your on."

He stuck out his hand and shook her hand. "May the best man win."

"I plan to."

"Your a man now?"

"If you want me to be." Holly said, and they both began laughing like they were the funniest people in the world.

Dwight and Erin looked at each other as if they were witnessing two people talk in a different language.

They were, in a way.

"I'm officially bored." Dwight said. "I'm gonna go annoy Pam."

**DWIGHT**

**" Holly brings out this side of Michael, this playful, childlike wonder...I hate it."**

"Ooh I call dibs on annoying Pam after you're done!" Erin yelled as he walked away.

Erin watched holly and Michael giggle with each other like two desperate souls who couldn't get their fix of each other and Erin grimaced.

**ERIN**

**"I...i think Holly's a bit of a hypocrite."**

"You know, I'm gonna go bother Oscar." Erin said, running away.

They hadn't even noticed, each in the middle of impersonating someone.

Like the children they were.

Michael was having more fun with Holly than he ever has with Jan.

Something about that screamed  _ danger  _ for Michael. He tensed up.

"I'm ...gonna go check on Jan." Michael said quickly.

"Oh...okay."

When Michael walked over, Jan wasn't even looking at Astrid, she was busy on her phone.

Michael sighed.

~~~~

"Pam?"

Pam jumped, startled. They were on the dock.

"Erin? How did you find me here?"

"Well...Oscar said he figured you were being emo, then Ryan and Kelly explained to me what emo meant, but I didn't understand it, so I just asked Jim and he said you went up here.

"That's….." Pam's cheeks flushed red and she rubbed her forehead. "...fantastic."

Erin stood by Pam, looking out at the sea.

"Wow. Do you think fish get sad?"

"....what?"

"Like, if a fish could have emotions, would they be sad?"

"What are you  _ talking _ about?"

"Finding nemo, Pam." Erin said, as if  _ Pam _ was the one being an idiot. "Poor Nemo, separated from his dad."

Pam tilted her head, watching Erin as if she were an experiment. "Tell me more about Nemo, Erin."

"Um...okay I guess."

**PAM**

**"Erin's been acting really weird lately. This is my chance to figure out whatever is going on. I think this ** ** _Nemo_ ** ** metaphor is her way of asking for help."**

**ERIN**

**"Man, that was a good movie. Ellen-the voice actor-is all like ** ** _'i have short term memory loss'_ ** ** and Marlin tells this not funny joke, which is ** ** _funny _ ** **because he's a clown." Erin started laughing hysterically.**

~~~

Jan sat across from Michael, ignoring Michael and everyone else to pay close attention to her phone. The lighting from above gave her a faint glow. And although Michael wasn’t all too fond of religion,he thought she looked kind of like an angel.

Although, Michael was never the religious type. He definitely believed in God, because of course it's nice to think that there’s some dad up there who wouldn’t just leave, but the problem he had with religion was the fact that religion seemed to suggest that if you do good for others then they will have to love you. Michael tries his absolute best to be good to everyone, but sometimes they sometimes get mad, or tell him to stop trying to interact with them like family. It was false advertising. Also Angela is the most devout Christain he knows, and no matter how hot her strict attitude is, she didn’t seem very loving or kind. If being cold and distant and adhering to rules and owning a hundred cats is the meaning of Christianity then Michael didn’t want any part of it.

However, one time after Oscar was leaving his office, he could hear him mumble under his breath a silent prayer to the lord to strike Michael down. Of course Oscar didn’t mean it, it was just his jolly mexican sense of humor kicking in. (Oscar is one of Michael’s best bros afterall), but Oscar is  _ gay _ . Angela said God  _ hates _ gays.

It was confusing stuff.

His stepdad used to take him to the church, and each time he went he understood less and less what was going on.

Was God a loving bearded guy like santa? Or was he like the cop that stole money from his mom once?

Michael sighed and rubbed his head, slouching down. If he spent too much time thinking about why things are they way they are then he got overwhelmed with a sense that things _ were not _ okay. It was like a headache in his heart. It was like a tiny voice in the back of his mind who would say things like  _ they don’t love you. _

Michael laughed into his arm, which was now being used to prop his head up on the table. What a ridiculous notion. Michael is loved. His wife Jan loves him, he had made sure she said it in the wedding vows after all, and she agreed after he wore her down. Of course Jan loved him, she had a kid with him, she made him dress up as a cheerleader for a weird sexual fantasy, and she made them film when they had sex, so they could have the memory forever...that's love. (At least according to fifty shades of grey , and when has fifty shades of grey ever been wrong? )

Michael looked up at her, bored of his thoughts. She was still texting. She looked slightly nervous, or maybe confused. ( Pam once told Michael he should stop assuming people’s emotions because he’s rarely ever correct. )

It hurt, but Pam was smart) in a whiny kind of way, like his mother )so he listened.

Michael tapped the table, trying to get Jan’s attention. When he didn’t get her attention, he felt the headache in his heart and he did not care for the feeling.

(When Michael is not getting attention from anyone, then he feels as if he doesn’t exist.

Michael would prefer to exist.)

She continued to  _ tap tap tap away _ with her fingers, on her phone, in her own world. Michael would like it if she at least included him in the world. Or, she could come to  _ his _ fantasy world. It was filled with gummy bears and shirtless scarlett johanssons.

Michael sighed, she ignored him, Michael bitch-faced the camera.

**MICHAEL**

**"Sometimes Jan acts like a teenager. Which would make this marriage illegal, so ..."**

Michael hummed, annoyed. He was starting to get restless now. He hoped he wouldn’t scream or anything. Sometimes he screams when he’s upset and he can’t control it.

He sighed, long and dramatic.

Jan looked up from her phone. Her eyebrows furrowed. Michael was staring at her, unamused. She sumized he was mad about something irrelevant and rolled her eyes. She desperately wished she was back at home in her workspace so she could smell all her candles.

Michael narrowed his eyes when she said nothing.

**JAN**

**Jan held a candle in her hand, breathing in the smell deeply.**

**"Just pretend like we're talking…"**

~~~

Andy fideted in his seat, nervous. He had just gotten back from giving himself a pep talk in the bathroom and he didn't feel any better.

“So what was it?” Angela said, startling him.   
Andy jolted back to reality. “What?”

“What did you need to talk to me about?”

Andy gulped and looked at the camera for a second as if to signal for help.

“Y-you know, you’ve almost finished your apple juice, and I finished my drink, I’ll... go get us some more.”

“Oh it’s fine.” She smiled. “You’ve been so nice, I’ll get them.”

She stood up and walked away despite Andy’s protest. Andy let his head fall to the table.

**ANDY**

**“I haven’t broken up with a girl since 9th grade...She was cheating on me. It was horrible. Of course, it was probably more horrible for the school...She cheated on me with the teacher and her mom found out and took him to court. Overall it was a very unpleasant experience and I don’t want Angela’s mom to take me to court…”**

**ANGELA** **   
** **“I want to be married. Andy is simple, and kind, and most importantly he has been my fiance since high school.”**

~~~

Angela went up to the table with all the drinks on it. She poured herself a cup from the punch bowl.

“Hello Monkey.” a familiar and annoying voice said. It startled her.

“AH!” she spilled the drink on the table.

She whipped around to see Dwight standing there, looking widely,  _ inappropriately _ happy to see her.

“Dwight!” she lowered her voice. “ _ What do you want!” _

“I miss you. This-”   
  
“Dwight!” She looked around embarrassed. “Not here…”

“Right.”   
  
~~~~in some closet~~~~

“Well?”

“Well what?”

Angela sighed, heavy and annoyed. “What do you  _ want? _ ”

“I miss you.”

Angela let out another heavy sigh. “Dwight this is really not the time-”

“Why not? We’re alone.” He said  _ suggestively _ .

She resisted the urge to slap him.

“Dwight, listen to me very carefully. _ I do not want this right now _ . I would like you to  _ leave me alone _ so I can go back to my fiance.”   
  
Dwight laughed.

She hit him.

“What’s so funny?!”

“Your relationship with Andy is irrelevant.”

“Dwight...that’s not true.”

  
Dwight scoffed. “Sure it is. You’ve been  _ love making _ with me since about the duration of your relationship with Andy. ”

  
“Me and Andy have been together since high school, so that is just...factually inaccurate.”

“Monkey _ come on. _ You don’t love him, you love me. You don’t like being around him. Just give it up.”

“I...that’s not true. I...do care for Andy.”

“Oh really? Name one thing you like about him. I mean, have you even told him you love him? ‘Cause you told me. I remember because you said it mid-orgasm."

  
“I…” Angela licked her lips and looked down, unsure of how to respond.

Dwight smirked. She looked up at his smug face and slapped him, again.

“ ** _Dwight K Schrute _ ** if you are not out of my sight in ten second I will  _ scream _ and  _ kick you in your  _ ** _crotch_ ** and  _ damage _ that  ** _thing_ ** your so  ** _proud_ ** of!!”

He gasped.

He ran away.

**DWIGHT**

**“The penis is the brain of the crotch. Damage the penis and the crotch no longer has a brain. Also, you’ll grow a vagina because you’ll no longer be a man. Michael told me that.”**

**MICHAEL**

**Michael laughed hysterically. “Holly gave me that one.” He smiled fondly. “She’s so...great. It's a shame she’s not into pranking. She’d be a natural. Of course, Holly is good at everything, I’ve always said she should be a baker, she’d be a natural at that too.”**

**HOLLY**

**“He said what?” She grinned, blushing. “Michael’s always telling me I would be a great baker for some reason.” She flushed again. “I suppose it’s a compliment.”**

~~~

Pam and Erin were still docking on the dock.

It was the weirdest conversation about finding Nemo that Pam had ever had.

"And then Dory says-"

"You keep bringing up Dory." Pam said, as if she were pretending to be a therapist. ( Brian thought it was adorable. )"Why Dory?"

"Well...I like Dory because she doesn't remember anything, and she doesn't have a family, but she makes her own. She meets Marlin, and he's her new family. It's so nice." Erin smiled innocently.

Pam looked at the camera is if to say  _ got'em _ .

"So, you like Marlin? Why is that?"

"Well...his own family is at odds with him, but he found family in this other fish, and that's just a really nice thought, that two people can find each other like that."

"Do they like each other?"

"Well no, they're fish."

Pam looked at the camera in the same- _ I'm so much smarter than the people I work with- _ way that Jim often does. "Oh."

"Yeah, but if they were people they might like each other. They could even date."

Pam tilted her head at confusion into this peek into the strange entangled web of Erin's mind. 

"Oh..okay...how does that make you feel?"

"Well, it makes me feel happy, because they'll always have each other, they'll always…"

Erin trailed off and got this sad look on her face.

(She was thinking of Andy.)

"Erin?"

Erin began crying, covering her face with her hand. 

Pam tried to hug her, but Erin ran away.

Pam looked at the camera, confused.

**PAM**

**"The heck was that?"**

**ERIN (crying)**

**"I...I can't do it. I miss him too much."**

**ANDY**

**"I just got to do it. Rip the band-aid off. Breaking up with Angela should be easy, damn it , why is it so hard?" His voice trailed off. "Maybe because...there's nothing-** ** _no one left-_ ** ** for me after we break up."**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (yes there is a third part coming up)  
lmao these people should not be allowed on a booze cruise together

**Author's Note:**

> All feedback welcome and encouraged.  
God I hate Jan  
Erin is a blessing  
Michael /Holly ♥️


End file.
